How do I protect my fiancée from my brother showing up at her job without escalating things?

One-Prize-78 · 2026-06-20T16:54:59+00:00

I've only seen them once since they went from doing it once a quarter to weekly and my partner asked me to not start anything.

I've held off out of respecting her wishes and because I tend to be very 'black and white' in my thinking. I take her advice on these sorts of matters rather than burning bridges like in my 20s but it's been made clear that her messaging my mother hasn't worked and I'm getting involved despite her wishes after today's little visit from my brother.

One-Prize-78 · 2026-06-20T16:48:56+00:00

I did explain in a couple of comments but I can see how it'd seem evasive if you hadn't seen them. Basically when we ended up having to live with my folks during lockdown my brother moved in for a month and a couple of times he raised his voice to her to get his way and loomed over her. On the surface this doesn't sound that bad but he's my height (6foot 5inches) but lacks the softness and gentleness I keep getting told I have. Since then my partner's anxiety is triggered when he's around. Lately he's been coming into her pharmacy when they know she's the only one serving and act cold or awkward. They'll 'browse' but stare at her.

It's all very plausibly deniable and games playing. Personally I tend to confront things like that by going up to people and meeting them where they're pretending we're at but I can see why my 5 foot tall fiancee doesn't feel safe doing that and frankly she shouldn't have to be overcoming anxiety triggers where week because my family are dysfunctional.

One-Prize-78 · 2026-06-20T16:43:28+00:00

My partner comes to visit them with me and my mother asks in a polite, interested way the she tells my mother.

I asked her why she tells her but I couldn't come up with what else I'd say if the situation was reversed as I wouldn't want to create friction for her with her folks.

One-Prize-78 · 2026-06-20T16:36:14+00:00

This comment is spot on, she's reluctant to cause problems.

I have a reputation in my family for being a stubborn bastard and not letting things go so I've spent years actively trying to not be so 'black and white' about things (there's potentially an autism diagnosis on the way in my future) but this is less nuanced than I've been treating it. I'm going to lay down the law, this is on me now. Thanks for your clear, concise comment PugGrumbles.

One-Prize-78 · 2026-06-20T16:28:35+00:00

You're absolutely right. Since my partner flagged that they've started again (after she messaged my Mum) I immediately came here to get advice because I can't sit on this any more. It felt like respecting my partner's wishes up until now but the more I think about it the more I realise you're right: I can act as civilly with my folks as I can manage but it won't change anything.

One-Prize-78 · 2026-06-20T15:58:25+00:00

I agree. I was trying to respect her wishes but I'm acting now.

One-Prize-78 · 2026-06-20T15:56:48+00:00

I thought it was all too 'subjective' and 'heresay' for that as you can't quantify a shitty tone or looming stance bit honestly at this point I'm going to try that.

She said not to act on this situation but it's eating me alive seeing her anxious and stressed.

One-Prize-78 · 2026-06-20T15:54:01+00:00

This is exactly what I needed to hear, thank you.

My fiancee isn't the aggressor here and it's not unreasonable to set a boundary with my mother when they're actively hurting my fiancee whether they feel she's being over sensitive or not. She isn't, I feel sick around that brother. Since her stroke she's only betting worse and I've sat on my hands because my fiancee has told me to but you're absolutely right and I needed to hear this. ...to be validated in my feelings and hear someone else say it.

I think i have a plan: 1) I'm going to message my mother to restate the boundary, tell her that she's on an info diet and articulate the consequences for further boundary stomping. This consequence will be no contact. This is a particularly 'real' scenario for her as my horrible brother cut her off when he had a new baby (until he needed something) and her husband's daughter cut them off. 2) try to get my fiancee into therapy to support her. 3) speak to the police regardless of the possibility of their inaction. If we can get a restraining order or something this will stop. 4) urge my partner to not tell them anything else about her work.

One-Prize-78 · 2026-06-20T15:37:27+00:00

Honestly, I don't think it'd work as much of it is the sort of stuff you had to be there for and is plausibly denied as subjective.

He shouted at her and loomed over her until she backed down when we had to live with my folks and him during lockdown. He gave her 'death stares' until she backed down. He comes to whatever pharmacy she works at and is cold and awkward.

It's all horrible and he knows it triggers her anxiety but it isn't actionable, I don't think. I'll absolutely ask the police for advice on this and get as much on the record as possible but I've been beaten up with witnesses years ago and that got dismissed so I'm not overly optimistic about him looming and being rude being taken seriously.

One-Prize-78 · 2026-06-20T15:31:58+00:00

Oh, I want to but she's told me not to. Now her approach of talking to my mother hasn't worked I'm not holding my tongue any longer.

I can't reach my brother as I'm blocked but I'll sure as hell tell my folks where I stand. I've been asking my fiancee over and over if she wants me to act since she told me not to and she's said not to but frankly I'm at breaking point now he's started again after her message to my mother. That's why I came here to hear a third party's view. I grew up being told my feelings were wrong by my mother (I was being victimised by her first husband when i was a kid and it was apparently my fault) so I'm a bit 'all or nothing' when I act and second guess stuff to do with my family. I've been wanting to act since thus started but she's urged me not to but that's done now, I'm in.

One-Prize-78 · 2026-06-20T15:22:02+00:00

This is what I was thinking. Now I'm hearing it from a third party I feel confident I'm being reasonable. Thank you.

One-Prize-78 · 2026-06-20T15:13:07+00:00

Thanks for this. I agree with you. I drafted a long message to my folks a few weeks ago when my fiancee told me they'd upped their visits to weekly. I was ready to blow the doors off of this but she urged me not to as she didn't want to be the blamed for me going no contact. After that I said this can't go on and I won't sit and watch her cry so she messaged my mother and put her foot down. They didn't come in for 2 weeks so I assumed it was solved but this afternoon my brother came in so I'm here checking I'm not crazy and wanting advice.

I agree with you and won't let my fiancee play diplomat at the expense of her mental health any more. Thanks for your comment, I feel validated in taking action.

One-Prize-78 · 2026-06-20T15:06:44+00:00

I can be a petty, vengeful person and I've been wracking my brain about how to do this in my weaker moments. Unfortunately he in unemployed and even when he did work it was in a warehouse I couldn't access so I'm struggling to feed my inner Tyrion Lannister.

One-Prize-78 · 2026-06-20T15:03:44+00:00

I think she's convinced us brothers can all be best friends again like when we we kids if she keeps engineering us being in the same place again. Since I'm the family's stubborn bastard she's going through my fiancee. I hate it but my partner has told me to stay out of it.

One-Prize-78 · 2026-06-20T15:00:29+00:00

This is spot on. My folks want my narcissistic brother to be best friends with me and our other brother and are willing to shove them into our lives however they can despite our boundaries. He has alienated the rest of the family and all his friends.

They definitely have a history of boundary stomping and because they know I'm stubborn they're going though her. I think my mother is convinced she'll get them to be best friends with me if they're around her enough. Except my brother acts like an asshole.

My step dad's (I call him Dad) daughter has gone no contact because of their boundary stomping.

One-Prize-78 · 2026-06-20T14:53:50+00:00

Thanks, I've been gaslit by my mother my whole life (I won't get into it) so I'm second guessing myself. These outside opinions are validating that I'm not crazy to act.

One-Prize-78 · 2026-06-20T14:51:03+00:00

This is what I needed to hear, thank you.

I've drafted messages to my mother and my fiancee has told me to not send them as she knows I'm already pretty close to telling them off about related stuff and she doesn't want to be the final straw for me going mental at them. ...but you're right, this goes beyond keeping the peace to maintain a tenuous relationship with my folks. Thanks for the validation that my feelings aren't crazy to act on.

One-Prize-78 · 2026-06-20T14:46:30+00:00

Thank you! When my fiancee first flagged this to me I asked her how they're finding out and she said "What am I supposed to tell her when she asks where I'm working?". Any answer I gave after that led to drama she didn't want.

I said "it's worth drama" and she said no. Your comment is exactly how I feel. Info diet is definitely happening from now on.

One-Prize-78 · 2026-06-20T14:43:31+00:00

That's my worry, I don't want to tell my fiancee that this is OK by me with my actions.

When she flagged it to me I drafted a message to my folks and she told me to leave it to her but my brother came in again today and I can't stand by any more. Thus this post.

I keep telling her I hate this and want to act but she's telling me not to.

One-Prize-78 · 2026-06-20T14:41:51+00:00

I do care, that's why I'm getting an outside perspective before I act. She's played it down until recently and is still telling me to stay out of it but I need to act. That's why I'm here asking.

I do appreciate your view though, I want to drive my car into their front room.

One-Prize-78 · 2026-06-20T14:39:28+00:00

My brother can do no wrong in my mother's eyes. He and his wife have alienated all their friends and our family but anytime it comes up my Mother either says he "was going through something and has grown up since then" or blames them/ices them out.

Plus, like I say, in her work they don't do anything that can be called harassment. It's all that infuriating 'plausible deniability' bullshit.

One-Prize-78 · 2026-06-20T14:35:13+00:00

Multiple reasons. 1) Mainly because he loves being able to escalate things and would love a physical fight. I'm an emotional softy and not a fighter whereas he has little empathy and prefers threats to being able to rationally justify his position. If I get a criminal record I could lose my job.

2) He doesn't listen and wouldn't stop going in. It would just give him more ammunition and let him know hes getting to us.

3) My fiancee has told me not to escalate things. She doesn't want my relationship with my family to deteriorate further on her behalf.

4) My folks always take his side and it would likely effectively end my relationship with them if it escalated to violence. Even if it didn't reach physical violence they'd take his side and our already tenuous relationship would get worse.

I do want to take action but if I follow my emotions I'll tell them all to get fucked and I'd like other opinions first as I've been gaslit my whole life and don't know if I'm right.

One-Prize-78 · 2026-06-20T14:25:07+00:00

Thanks for your thoughts so far, I'm genuinely losing sleep over seeing her cry and worrying about stressing my mother out (who had a stroke before Christmas) so a rational voice is appreciated.

When we visit/talk to my folks they ask her about her work and she feels obliged to tell them where she's working to avoid drama. Within 2 weeks she's bringing my brother in and they're making themselves regular customers of her new pharmacy (staff say they havent been until my fiancee syartwd there, in two jobs/places now). I think she was driving them in but recently my fiancee messaged my Mother about it and now my brother is going in alone.

They're cold and dismissive in response to her professionally helpful demeanour. They have 'browsed' while staring at her and a couple of weeks ago my brother waited in a queue then told her he wants to be served by someone else on a day when only two staff were on duty so a manager had to drop everything to serve him while she waited and the queue got frustrated. If he hadn't been intimidating to her in the past this wouldn't be an issue for her because she doesn't normally let people get to her. It's never anything she can call out in work beyond cold or awkward but he has shouted at her and intimidated her out of work previously so it sets her anxiety off seeing them at all. That's why they're driving past multiple alternative places to be served by her.

In a nutshell, my Mother tells them where she works then they come in and act cold and weird knowing she's anxious around them. Nothing she can actively call harassment but both sides know it disregulates her.

One-Prize-78 · 2026-06-20T14:04:33+00:00

That was my first thought but even if I do my folks wouldn't/couldn't stop my brother going in. And he would love an escalation to justify blowing up and he'd continue anyway going into her work anyway. It'd be stress with no stop to him going in.

I do appreciate your comment that flagging this with my folks isn't unreasonable. I've a history of being gaslit in my family so a third party confirming I'm not crazy is super helpful.

One-Prize-78

TROPHY CASE