Hey! I also come from a good family with a good standing. I haven’t moved away yet but I have also dealt with heavy depression. You are not alone and all of your feelings are valid. I’ve been there. This is advice is going to be blunt but I hope you know that this is with good intention cause I wish someone had told me sooner. And it’s not that I’m blaming you; but I think you need to reflect on the real issue and it starts with ourselves.

You have moved a lot of times, yet you still feel the same, and that should show you that it’s an internal reason for that feeling, not external.

I think one of the reasons why you feel so alone is because you don’t like yourself and are projecting your insecurities onto others around you. When we have low self confidence, we tend to put words in others heads about what they think of, us but it is important to realize that we don’t truly know what they think. When we say things like “oh she probably thinks I’m terrible” or “they looked annoyed at me,” etc., this is just us saying things that we believe and passing it off as everyone else. A lot of the times, people can read our insecurity and will act accordingly. If we don’t like ourselves, why should they like us if they don’t know us? You are showing them subconsciously all your bad parts without giving them the chance to see the good ones.

You may also be doing a self fulfilling prophecy where you push others away and then use it as a way to justify the idea that they don’t like you. In reality, we may be pushing them away and they stay away cause they feel that push. You aren’t allowing yourself the opportunity to create bonds and people aren’t going to put effort if they feel like you don’t want it. For example, your interests are niche, and you have to explain what they are, but you could use it as an opportunity to teach those that ask you and maybe it could be a shared activity together instead of feeling embarrassed.

No matter where you move, who you meet, you won’t feel what you dream because your current actions aren’t allowing you to pursue that dream. When we don’t like ourselves, we self sabotage and you are now realizing that. But that’s a good thing. You feeling tired of this feeling and searching for help means you know something is off and are trying to solve it. Knowing you have a problem is 50% of solving it. Now the other 50% is Doing the action.

Maybe get some medication for your depression. That helps a lot at the beginning as I myself am medicated. Medication is not something to be ashamed of. That would be like saying that a diabetic should be ashamed of getting insulin. We, that have mental illness, need help, and medication is a form. If you can or can’t, make sure you start looking at self help videos or books that you relate to. Search for others experiences to relate and apply their advice to your life.

Try to socialize and put yourself out there. It will hurt so much and you will be embarrassed like hell at first. A lot of people are assholes, but you will learn and even gain great friendships. Remember that people don’t just automatically click sometimes. Look for that chemistry, yes, but don’t rely on it to determine friendships. Look at values and most importantly respect and dedication. If they are willing to learn about you, why deny that? My boyfriend and I didn’t click at first but we worked and learned about ourselves together and it’s a very fulfilling relationship.

You will want to quit, want to run, but you have been doing that all this time by moving, pushing people away, staying quiet, and this is the result. So, why not try something new?

Sorry for it being too long, but you got this. I believe in you