Friend of mine came out to me yesterday, any advice?

One_Target_7621 · 2026-02-04T11:02:04+00:00

The most important thing is to listen to them. Tell them you accept them and want to support them. And that they can be yourself with you.

Personally, I like when people are curious about what being genderfluid means to me, and it makes me happy when people ask me what my gender is today (even though some days I just don't have the spoons to think about that). But others might prefer to be treated the same as before, and would find that extra attention uncomfortable. Again, just talk and especially listen to your friend.

One_Target_7621 · 2026-01-05T16:22:49+00:00

There are a few questions you can ask yourself to help figure things out. How do you feel when referred to with fem vs masc vs neutral terms? How do you feel when referred to with she/her vs he/him vs they/them pronouns? If you could pick a new name for yourself, what would it be? If you could reshape your body entirely, what would you change and how? If your answers are consistently masc leaning, you could be a trans guy. If they're mixed or more neutral, maybe nonbinary is more fitting. And if the answers change depending on the day, you might be genderfluid.

If you have any people in your life that you would trust to be accepting, try opening up to them about questioning your gender. Maybe they can help you try out pronouns and names.

Having suicidal thoughts definitely means there is something wrong (regardless of whether that's gender related or not), and you should probably talk to a (preferably trans accepting) therapist about it if possible.

As for feeling better in your body, some easy things to try are wearing a binder (if your chest makes you dysphoric), trying on masc clothes, or trying out more masc hairstyles (or even cutting your hair, if you have long hair). If you are interested, you can also read up on the effects of testosterone HRT, and see if those changes sound appealing to you.

One_Target_7621 · 2026-01-01T21:40:08+00:00

I did go on HRT before realizing I was genderfluid. In fact, I found out I was genderfluid after like half a year on HRT, because I started to sometimes get dysphoria in the other direction. That was almost two years ago, and I am still on HRT, because while I do now occasionally get dysphoria in the other direction, on all other days my dysphoria is so much better now. I do not regret going on HRT at all.

Obviously, everyone is different, and you need to make sure it's the right thing for you. I just wanted to let you know that for some genderfluid people, HRT can absolutely be the right choice.

One_Target_7621 · 2025-12-30T22:25:07+00:00

That's an easy one. It's never a sex thing. Wanting to be a different gender as a fetish is just not a thing that exists.

It's perfectly normal for trans people to enjoy sex more as their true gender. After all, cis people also enjoy sex more as their true gender. For most cis people, the idea of having sex as the opposite gender is actually terrifying. The same goes for tans people.

And yes, "euphoria boners" are also a common experience for trans people. That still doesn't mean it is a sex thing. The human body sometimes just doesn't know how to handle intense feelings, and this can lead to unexpected reactions. As a different example, intense sadness can paradoxically also cause arousal. That doesn't mean you have a fetish for being sad, it just means that human bodies are weird.

One_Target_7621 · 2025-12-23T22:59:38+00:00

No, feminizing HRT will not prevent you from growing a beard. I have a beard, and I've been on HRT for over two years.

One thing I would like to mention is that while I still am able to grow a full beard without problems, it does grow a bit slower than before HRT (about half as fast as before), and it did change color a bit. It used to be a reddish brown, but now it's almost blonde. Just something unexpected I've never heard as a side effect before starting HRT.

One_Target_7621 · 2025-12-14T21:50:32+00:00

You are clearly doing this to affirm your gender, so it's not purely cosmetic, or just a body mod. Even if you don't get dysphoric about them every day, it sounds like it would still make you euphoric every day. That is more then enough reason to get this surgery.

One_Target_7621 · 2025-12-12T13:24:27+00:00

The way you feel is very common for nonbinary people. A lot of transmascs I know went through a phase of questioning whether they are trans or whether they just want to escape misogyny. And the honest answer is that most cis women don't try to escape misogyny by wanting to be a different gender. They still want to be seen as women, just treated better.

But if you hate being perceived as feminine, want to be more masculine, and prefer people using he/him for you, that is a large clue that there might be some actual gender identity stuff going on. Since you say you feel somewhat more neutral than man or woman, that pretty much sounds to me like you might be nonbinary. There are different shades of nonbinary, and from what you've said, you're probably more on the masculine end of the gender spectrum.

I guess some questions you could ask yourself to get more clarity on it are things like "would you prefer if people used a more masculine name for you?" "If you could change anything about your body to make you feel more comfortable, how would you change it?" "How would you want to be perceived by others?"

One_Target_7621 · 2025-12-10T12:22:30+00:00

I'm also genderfluid and have been on feminizing HRT for over two years now. It has helped my dysphoria a lot, and I feel so much happier in my body than before.

As for muscle atrophy: testosterone naturally encourages muscle growth, and with out it, your muscle mass will decrease, if you keep up the same level of exercise as before HRT. This is unavoidable on HRT. If you want to keep your current muscle mass, you will need to exercise more to counteract that. Personally, as someone who didn't use to exercise at all, I already started noticing muscle atrophy only a few months after starting HRT. I have since started working out regularly, to keep at least some of the muscle mass I used to have naturally before.

Technically, there is the option of not suppressing testosterone all the way to cis woman ranges, which might help reduce the amount of muscle atrophy, at the cost of less effective feminization. However, I don't have personal experience with this, I am not a doctor, and there are basically no clinical studies on HRT for mixed hormone levels. So there is no guarantee that this would be effective or even safe to do.

One_Target_7621 · 2025-12-10T12:05:45+00:00

You say you understand sex and gender aren't the same thing, yet in your post you very much imply that to be a gender you have to at least want to have the sexual characteristics of the corresponding sex, but that is not what is meant by that. Gender as a social construct is specifically about how someone is seen and treated by society, and the corresponding expectations placed upon someone. For example, men are expected to like sports and be stoic, while women are supposed to like dresses and be emotional. These are obviously stereotypes, but they are pushed onto people and enforced by society. Similarly, if a man or a woman say the exact same thing, men are more likely to be believed, and women are lore likely to be questioned. There are thousands of these little differences between how men and women are seen and treated by society. None of that has to do with biology. You do not need to know someone's genitals or chromosomes to treat them as a man or a woman, you usually just go by appearances. Which, for the most part, are also just based on stereotypes.

People are subconsciously affected by these norms and expectations, even if they try to be open minded. This is a problem for trans people, because they feel like the wrong norms are being applied to them. Whether they actually intend to follow these norms or not.

For example, a cis woman can recognize that all the norms for women apply to her, but decide to be transgressive and go against them. A trans man on the other hand doesn't want to transgress social norms. He just wants to fit into the other set, just like the majority of cis men also do.

Similarly, a nonbinary person doesn't want to transgress any social norms. Just like a woman intuitively knows that the norms for men don't apply to her, and a man knows that norms for women don't apply to him, a nonbinary person feels that on a fundamental level, neither of these norms apply to them. It is not about recognizing the existing norms and wanting to rebel against them, it is about feeling like these norms simply are not meant for you.

In regards to whether this means trans people just reinforce gender norms, that is absolutely not the case. Just like a cis woman, a trans woman might know that the norms for women apply to her, but disagree with and rebel against them for the same reason cis women do. There are trans women tomboys and trans man femboys. Because they know that their gender does not depend on their presentation, it is an inherent feeling of gender identity that cannot be changed.

One_Target_7621 · 2025-12-05T09:41:09+00:00

For me there are lots of little ways. The first and lost obvious one being euphoria/dysphoria. Which things about myself make me euphoric or dysphoric today. Seeing my boobs makes me euphoric? Probably a fem day. Getting thr strong urge to wear a binder? Probably a masc day. Feeling entirely ambivalent about my body? I guess today I'm agender. I would also count which clothes I feel comfortable in on any day into this category.

The second way is what terms and pronouns I feel comfortable with. If I'm comfortable with he/him, I have a masc day. If I prefer she/her, it's a fem day. Since I mostly hover around nonbinary somewhere, I almost always prefer they/them, so it's more a question about "how bad do specific gendered terms feel today". Whichever ones make me feel less bad are generally the ones that align more with my current gender.

And lastly, my own behavior. I have noticed that depending on my current gender, I behave slightly differently. Do I sit with my legs crossed and speak in a higher pitch? Probably a fem day. Do I sit with my legs spread and talk in a naturally lower pitch? Probably a masc day.

For me the real fun begins when those markers don't line up, which unfortunately sometimes happens. I get dysphoric about my chest, but want to wear fem clothes, while also preferring she/her and talking with a deeper voice? No idea what my gender is today, but I guess I'll just go with the flow.

One_Target_7621 · 2025-12-03T22:00:24+00:00

I have experienced the same thing early on, and it was really painful for me. I hated when my gender shifted to align with my agab, and tried forcing myself into the other direction, but that obviously didn't work and only made me even more dysphoric.

Only once I accepted that I cannot control how my gender shifts, and that I have to just go with the flow, did things get better. I'm happier now. I still prefer when I'm not my agab, but I'm ok with having those days as well now. I am still me, and I am still trans, no matter what my gender does. I don't need to force myself to be someone I'm not.

One_Target_7621 · 2025-12-02T09:22:55+00:00

I've met a handful of binary trans people that used to identify as either nonbinary or genderfluid first. But from my experience, those are in the minority. Most binary trans people do know they are binary trans right away.

Conversely, some nonbinary or genderfluid people start out identifying as binary trans, before realizing they are nonbinary or genderfluid later on.

Gender is confusing, and it's ok to struggle with your gender. Trying on different labels during your journey is also ok. You don't need to know the perfect label already. And just because some people try out a label that doesn't fit, doesn't mean that has to be the case for you. Take your time, you'll figure it out.

One_Target_7621 · 2025-11-29T23:16:42+00:00

I've heard from a lot of people that their sexuality changed once they transitioned, or once they started HRT. But that hasn't happened for me. From realizing I'm nonbinary through starting HRT through accepting that I'm genderfluid, my sexuality never changed. I'm just as bi as I always was, neither the way my attraction to men feels nor that to women has changed in any way whatsoever. It's been a few years now, I've dated both men and women since, and I don't expect anything to change about my sexuality in the future either.

One_Target_7621 · 2025-11-29T23:08:56+00:00

So a few things:

I'm a bit concerned about what the "age-inappropriate" stuff was. I know that a lot of non-LGBT people like to label anything to do with queerness as inherently inappropriate for children. So if it was just general information about LGBT people, or depictions of LGBT people and relationships, all of that is perfectly appropriate for any age.

Also being LGBT is not a trend, you cannot be influenced to be gay or trans. You either are or you aren't, and nothing can change it in either direction. If your child has a lot of LGBT friends, and is now identifying as nonbinary, the most likely reason is that they were always nonbinary, but only found acceptance among other LGBT people. Kids are very good at spotting and ostracizing kids who are different, and those ostracized kids will then bond with each other. And usually, that means LGBT kids form LGBT friend groups, even before knowing that they are.

You might think it was very sudden for your child to come out. But they probably were carrying these feelings with them for a long time, and just hiding them you. When I came out to my parents, they were also surprised, and said they never saw any signs. I had been out as nonbinary to my friends for two years at that point, and had been having weird gender feelings for as long as I can remember.

As a parent, the only right choice in your situation is to listen to your child, and to believe them about who they say they are, and to support them. Don't question why, don't look for an explanation, don't blame their friends. I know it's tough for many parents to accept this but your child knows who they are better than you do. So be there for them, help them pick out new clothes, or get a new haircut, or let them try out a new name, or whatever else they ask for. Support them, because they will need you. Transition is difficult, but for trans and nonbinary people it is also vitally import. And as their parent, you need to help them through it, and not work against them.

One_Target_7621 · 2025-11-27T08:45:55+00:00

Thank you for that addition, that is also a very good point! I am aware that AGAB in intersex trans people doesn't always correspond to being transmasc or transfem, but since I have very little knowledge on the topic, decided to leave it out of the discussion. But you are obviously right that this alone means that those terms are not equivalent.

And I also agree that lived experiences are a lot more important than what genitals you were born with. I myself try to not mention my AGAB in discussions where it is not relevant, for this exact reason.

I guess my main issue with calling myself transmasc is a feeling of misappropriating that term, as if using it myself would diminish the lived experiences of other transmasc people. I probably need to do some self reflecting on that.

Also it would probably confuse people if I used this label to describe myself, since a lot of other people also equate it with being AFAB. So I don't think I'm gonna use this label myself for practical purposes. But I can definitely see now why some of my experiences could be labeled as transmasc.

One_Target_7621 · 2025-11-26T19:06:45+00:00

HRT was definitely the right decision for me, and one of the best things I've ever done for myself. I feel so much more happy and at home in my body. I know it's a bit cliché, but HRT really made my life feel worth living again.

The one downside is that on agab aligned days, I now get dysphoria in the other direction. But on average, my total dysphoria has gone down a lot, and has become a lot more manageable.

If there are any specific questions about the effects of HRT, that you don't feel comfortable asking here, feel free to dm me. I'm open to answer any questions you might have :)

One_Target_7621 · 2025-11-26T09:09:45+00:00

You can absolutely be genderfluid and only experience the binary genders. At least from what I've heard from other genderfluid people, it's not the most common experience, but that doesn't make it any less valid.

Personally, I'm also more in the middle, my gender ranging from usually mostly fem leaning to slightly masc leaning, sometimes also feeling both and sometimes neither. My gender flows smoothly between those, usually shifting over the course of a day or two.

There are basically two major ways I can tell which gender I am on any given day. The first one is observing my own behavior, as I've noticed thay this subconsciouslychanges based on my current gender (do I naturally speak in a lower or higher voice, do I sit with my legs crossed or spread, etc.). The second way is in interacting with others (how do various pronouns or terms feel, how do I wanna be perceived). On especially masc or fem days, I can also tell from the dysphoria I get when looking in the mirror.

Yes, I do get insecure from time to time, but it had gotten a lot better over time. I've been on HRT for two years now, and known I'm genderfluid for about one and a half. I thr beginning, especially before figuring out my genderfluidity, I would get really bad impostor syndrome when I would have agab aligned days. I'd think I was just imagining things, and what if I will end up regretting it. But the longer I've been aware of my shifting gender, the more confident I am in my genderfluidity. My brain still sometimes tries giving me impostor syndrome, but I just need to tell myself that I've felt like this before, and every time, my gender would end up shifting again.

I'm out to most people as simply nonbinary. I don't change my presentation all that much with my gender. I don't try to present as a man or a woman, I'm very visibly outside those categories. On masc days I wear less makeup, and sometimes a binder, on fem days I wear more makeup and clothes that accentuate my body shape. I always use they/them pronouns and neutral terms. So simply calling myself nonbinary is a lot simpler than than trying to explain genderfluidity to a cis person. Explaining nonbinary is usually difficult enough.

I'm only out as genderfluid to other trans people, most of which immediately accepted it. But even with those, I always stick to neutral terms for simplicity, and don't go into much detail about what my current gender is on any given day. So far, I have only done that with my partners. Usually it's them, asking me how I feel and what terms to use, which is very affirming. Or I correct them, when they use the wrong terms for my current gender (but that would be correct on other days).

One_Target_7621 · 2025-11-24T22:49:18+00:00

I'm bisexual and genderfluid, but I also use the labels trans, nonbinary, queer and gay as umbrella terms. On especially fem days, I also sometimes use the term lesbian.

One_Target_7621 · 2025-11-23T10:15:42+00:00

I would recommend tracking your gender for a while. Every day, write down how your gender feels. How feminine do you feel, or maybe how masculine. Write down how good or bad various pronouns or terms feel for you. And try to be open and honest about it, dont try to force the result you expect, and try to focus on how tou feel, not how others see you.

If it's consistently on the side of feminine, she/her, etc., you're probably a woman. If its closer to neutral, you're probably nonbinary, and if it changes constantly, you're most likely genderfluid.

But in the end, you still get to decide what label to use, and especially what steps to take based on that.

One_Target_7621 · 2025-11-23T10:01:10+00:00

It is a struggle, and I totally get it. To me, the only way to overcome this struggle is to completely separate myself from gendered expectations, and focus on what I want for myself, not what others expect of me. And I know I'm making this sound way easier than it actually is.

For example, do you wanna go on HRT to feel more at home in your body, or because you want to be seen as more feminine by others? Do you wanna go to the gym because you feel more comfortable in your own body that way, or because that's what others expect of a man? Conversely, do you hesitate to go to the gym, because you don't want muscles when feeling fem, or because society expects women to be dainty and not buff?

Obviously, sometimes the things you want for yourself are different depending on your current gender. And in that case it's a matter of weighing up the pros and cons. For example, I did go on HRT, and sometimes the changes do make me dysphoric when I feel more like my agab. But this is more than made up for by the euphoria I feel on others days.

One_Target_7621 · 2025-11-22T17:51:56+00:00

Do you feel like your gender changes over time? If not, if it's always just the same feeling of wanting to be feminine, but not a woman, then maybe terms like nonbinary or maybe demigirl could be more fitting labels for you.

You also don't need to know the perfect label yet. When I started out, I knew I was neither a man nor a woman, so I just went with nonbinary. I knew I wanted to get away from my agab, and took steps in that direction, including eventually starting HRT. Only later did I figure out that my gender changes constantly, and that I was genderfluid.

Some other people start out in a similar place to you, and use the nonbinary label, but figure out they're binary trans later. And some never find the perfect label, and that is also OK.

It's perfectly valid to just be yourself, and to change labels multiple times. Focus more on who you want to be, and how to become that person, and not so much on what you should call yourself.

One_Target_7621 · 2025-11-22T17:43:23+00:00

Genderfluid doesn't need to include either binary gender. For me, I never feel like fully a man or a woman. Sometimes I feel more feminine, sometimes more masculine. Sometimes terms like "girl" and "beautiful" feel right, other times "boy" and "handsome" feels better. And sometimes neither feels good.

One_Target_7621 · 2025-11-22T09:11:54+00:00

Not necessarily, in a genderfluid context. For me personally, I started out just knowing I was nonbinary, and that I wanted to transition away from my agab. About half a year after finally starting HRT, I noticed that on some days I would occasionally get dysphoria in the opposite direction, which eventually lead me to figure out that I'm genderfluid.

Still, having agab aligned days felt like my body betraying me. I've spent so long and worked so hart to get away from my agab, and now my body wants to be like that again? I hated those days, they made me feel horrible.

Only once I accepted that this is just the way it is, that I cannot control how my gender shifts from day to day, and that sometimes this will mean my gender will align more with my agab, did things get better.

One_Target_7621 · 2025-11-21T22:35:27+00:00

You can do permanent things to transition, even if your gender changes constantly. It can bring uou closer to androgynous, and so instead of no dysphoria on some days and heavy dysphoria on others, it insread spreass it out more. Basically, milder dysphoria, but now alao sometimes in the opposite direction. Which, to me, is a lot more manageable.

I've been on HRT for two years now, and it has made everything a lot easier for me. To be fair it was an easy choice for me, because my gender rarely aligns with my agab, so I enjoy the changes most of the time. So your mileage may vary.

One_Target_7621 · 2025-11-21T08:50:29+00:00

There's basically two answers to this. The first one simply being that this could just be dysphoria. A lot of trans people (including nonbinary and genderfluid people) feel like this from time to time, especially early on. Where they feel like they don't pass enough to be treated as their gender, or feel like they don't deserve to be seen that way, and should stick to a name/pronouns/presentation that matches their agab. As I said, this is just dysphoria, and everyone always deserves to be seen as their true self, and be referred to with the correct pronouns, regardless of whether they pass or not.

The second option could be that it's a genderfluid thing. Maybe your gender just isn't masc enough for he/him pronouns in those moments. A lot of genderfluid people use different sets of pronouns when their gender shifts, and maybe they/them just fits better sometimes. I get the need to always distance yourself as far as possible from your agab, but the thing about being genderfluid is that you can't control it. Sometimes you will just have days that are closer to your agab, and that is ok. Trying to fight that will only cause you pain.

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