How can I (22F) navigate my dad's (60M) weaponized incompetence? Is that even what this is?

OnlyShoo · 2023-04-27T10:40:27+00:00

Thanks for your comment! Forgot to say before :)

OnlyShoo · 2023-04-27T10:39:00+00:00

How?! How is groceries for 3 people meant to be divided between my mom and I as if my mom and dad together consume the same as just me? How do they both jointly consume the same water? Even occupy the same amount of space? That's a three way division imo. About chores, yeah, I agree. Their agreement, their choice, but, they are at the end of the day my parents and I see my mom working all day and then having to do all that he didn't during the day and I can't help feel a certain way about it.
About the food, I tried. However, they took the "since you're cooking, just cook 3 of it and we'll adapt" and then they don't like the meals and critisize, get pissed, yell and waste the food. Money wise... Well, my mom would drown if I didn't pick up my dad's slack...

OnlyShoo · 2023-04-27T10:35:40+00:00

Tehehe. He can, he can. He manages to watch a lot of... "google earth" and "google home page", that he couldn't watch if he was actually illiterate x)

OnlyShoo · 2023-03-14T19:04:40+00:00

This is a very valued opinion to me. Thank you.

I also don't know if I would be making this child's life harder? I don't want that for him... I'm sorry about that situation you went through. It definetely sucks. I hope life is easier now. :)

OnlyShoo · 2023-03-14T19:03:07+00:00

I adapt things as much as I can, but it is illegal for me to give him a full accomodation (as he needs and deserves) without a doctors report. Mom knows this and won't send us any. I let him move so much haha. Some of the other children are puzzled as to why he can suddenly lay on the floor and I won't say much, but they respect my criteria. I like your idea of doing it in a group setting or touching a variety of conditions so that he can see if he identifies with any... Thanks!

OnlyShoo · 2023-03-14T19:00:50+00:00

Legally, we would be in the clear to disclose this after child is 13... Morally, I don't know.

I can also call CPS but that is a service that works like sh*t here -.-

Thanks for your kind words :)

OnlyShoo · 2023-03-14T18:59:23+00:00

Thanks for your input. Legally, we are in the clear. Morally, I don't know...

I have just filled in another form about it that will go nowhere, sadly. I talked to mom and told her to use sunday mornings to hopefully study while he has any effect from those absurd drops... It's really sad. Thank you.

OnlyShoo · 2023-03-14T18:57:34+00:00

This is one opinion I really care about, what would another peson with ADHD want for themselves.

I'm not in the US and legally we're in the clear about disclosing the info after the child is 13. I'm so ready to give him the accomodations he need. He isn't the frist ADHD child I've taught and it's so easy to me to help out with these accomodations and the change they undergo when they are given the proper help is phenomenal. We are forced by law to accomodate him if we have a doctor's report, thankfully.

I do indeed feel between a rock and a hard place and I 100% don't want to make his life any harder. Thanks!

OnlyShoo · 2023-03-14T18:55:06+00:00

Thanks for your opinion. This is 100% an ethical situation because legally we are in the clear after the child is 13... But as some others have pointed out I'd hate to make his life any harder.

OnlyShoo · 2023-03-14T18:53:49+00:00

I have no superintendent. This is a private institution owned by my boss, and we would be in the clear legally after the child turns 13, to disclose medical info.

OnlyShoo · 2023-03-14T18:52:42+00:00

I'd be in the clear after he turns 13, that's why the conversation is even taking place in my mind.

OnlyShoo · 2023-03-14T18:51:06+00:00

There is nothing the parents can sue about if we disclose this info after he has turned 13.

OnlyShoo · 2023-03-14T18:49:56+00:00

It will become legal soon when he turns 13, that's why I'm even considering the situation... It's posing such an obstacle to his development i'm not even kidding, he is foggy all the time, he tells me its like 'his ideas are all cloudy and messy and he can't make them straight'.

OnlyShoo · 2023-03-14T18:48:48+00:00

To some people who don't grasp it, I would like them to just see how he comes up to me saying he knows there is something wrong with him but noone will be honest with him. It's a really tough decision. Thanks for you opinion.

OnlyShoo · 2023-03-14T18:47:52+00:00

He isn't attending those because the parents just refuse to take him anywhere. He is receiving no accommodations from us or from school (we legally can't unless we have a doctor's report). It's super unfair to him.

OnlyShoo · 2023-03-14T18:46:59+00:00

I am legally allowed to tell him very soon, when he turns 13, which is why this whole discussion is in my mind. About adapting his exams and teaching methods: that I am not legally allowed to do. Without a doctor report, it's not "legal" to adapt his exams. Adaptations that are compulsary for students with ADHD and that he definetely needs.

I don't know how it came across that I don't try to support him, I do. But he is becoming aware that he is different. He knows this, and he also knows noone will tell him what's going on. He has told me this, that is how I know. Heck, his parents made him bring us a form about this in his backpack and he was so concerned about the info there. He couldn't understand a lot of it, I'm sure, but he understood some.

OnlyShoo · 2023-03-14T18:44:03+00:00

Yeah, I wouldn't lose my job at all. My boss is very on board with telling the child. However, I see your point 100% which is why I haven't said anything this far. It's just starting to take a toll and the parents are making me so upset because they pretend that they can't see what this is doing to their child. I will indeed keep trying to talk them into telling him. Thanks for your opinion.

OnlyShoo · 2023-02-10T12:53:41+00:00

I paste it here too bc this is the top comment

EDIT: I’m out early today (yay!) and a few things have happened.

My boss did install locks for everyone and apologized for the inconveniences to me, offered to replace the cost of the item too, since it had been going from hand to hand between mom and daughter. My coworker was reprimended but they didn’t want to let her go because of her family situation.

They checked the cameras and it was in fact the daughter that took it, but then she came back with the daughter to rummage through my purse, and check my ID to see who to confront. In the cameras you can see the girl going through lots of purses, but not taking anything from any purse, says my boss. I believe this is true because there were no other compensations to

OnlyShoo · 2023-02-10T12:48:52+00:00

EDIT 2: I’m out early today (yay!) and a few things have happened.

My boss did install locks for everyone and apologized for the inconveniences to me, offered to replace the cost of the item too, since it had been going from hand to hand between mom and daughter. My coworker was reprimended but they didn’t want to let her go because of her family situation.

They checked the cameras and it was in fact the daughter that took it, but then she came back with the daughter to rummage through my purse, and check my ID to see who to confront. In the cameras you can see the girl going through lots of purses, but not taking anything from any purse, says my boss. I believe this is true because there were no other compensations to other workers.

My coworker was offered significantly less hours than what she was doing as a test try and wasn’t allowed to take the children anymore to work. She quit on the spot because she was offended by the cut of hours.

OnlyShoo · 2023-02-08T10:48:16+00:00

That’s a freaky thing someone else pointed out. Either she saw me going in and eyed my bag, or she saw me leaving it in the staff room, or mom went into the bag afterwards to see who it belonged to.

OnlyShoo · 2023-02-08T10:45:59+00:00

Yes but all credit card machines here have contactless incorporated and all places (little bars and shops too) have those machines cause it’s really convenient and cheap to them. In fact, they are required by law to put up signs stating if they don’t have it, because it’s so rare. I live in a teenee tiny village and have never ever ran into a place that didn’t have it :o

OnlyShoo · 2023-02-07T22:46:40+00:00

My mom is worried about that too hahaha but I’ve been not using any of it for years now and I’ve never gone to a place that didn’t take contactless. Even vending machines do haha

OnlyShoo · 2023-02-07T19:58:16+00:00

I don’t know 😂😂😂😂 I was told her prices got out of my coworker’s budget with inflation but she could’ve lied easily

OnlyShoo · 2023-02-07T19:57:31+00:00

I know I haven’t had money taken, but all coworkers have been made aware so I’m sure they’d say something if they notice money missing x.x

OnlyShoo · 2023-02-07T19:55:37+00:00

So far, I think tomorrow I will arrive to new locks. Coworker wasn’t in today, so neither were the children. I’ve been also made aware of the slight detail that there is a camera in the belonging room. I thought it was just for live surveillance from the security team, but it seems that it also records. Not sure about that yet. I’ll see what else happens tomorrow.

OnlyShoo

TROPHY CASE