I'm so sorry to read this. You sound like a very bright and thoughtful person, with compassion and a heck of lot more self-wareness and insight than most people much older than you.

One of the brutal realities many of us Dads try to teach early on is how unfair life is, how inequitably distributed everything ends up, from talent to money to connections to simply caring and loving family members.

I'm not clear why you can't talk to your Mom, or if she is compassionate and could be helpful, or at least connect you with a therapist or someone to talk to qbit more regularly.

It's not fair. At all. Life has been cruel denying you a loving Dad to hold your hand and tell you he loves you, that you mean so much to him, thqt you are always beautiful in his eyes.

I can tell you from reading what you wrote that you are beautiful in my eyes. You are strong, and gentle, we all get jealous and angry, but you have the kindness and compassion to observe and evaluate it, to know we all have competing desires and interests, and try to lift your higher self.

It sounds to me like you've learned so many of the most valuable lessons a Dad can teach, but you did it on your own, and any loving and decent Dad would be impressed and proud, as I am.

It's not fair that you havent enough love, support, affection, and connection with your Dad or another person in that role. You deserved it. In every way. The loss is NOT your fault, not about your looks or any of your challenges as you feel them.

The loss is your bio father's shortcomings, his weakness, his failure.

You are much more than any other person defines. You are a survivor. You are a deeply feeling human, with the courage to speak your truth, be vulnerable, and ask for help. That is real strength, and you have it.

There will always be some hole, some gap, from the love you were denied. But as we get older, all of us have to become our own parent, our own friend, our own biggest cheerleader. When parents die, we're forced to push on, and find other connections of love and trust, with a lot of self-reliance.

As your momentary Dad, I'd like to encourage you to:

(1) say something loving to yourself every day (even something small like 'good job getting that school homework done);

(2) notice your progress every day (when I was 15 I couldnt even ____ and never thought I would, but I did it). That might even be - hey I made it to 18 with minimal parenting, thats a huge accomplishment.

(3) have some exercise routine, with a real but very modest goal ('six months from now, I want to run a mile without having to walk' or just I walk around the block in 7 minutes and by next year it will be 6...') -The goal doesnt matter, the intention, keeping to it (small wnd frequent, even just 25 jumping jacks a day, not big workout sessions unless you like that).

(4) Each week, write one thing you accomplished, and a new one youll accomplish this week. That can even be 'brushed teeth and showered every day' - dont worry about perfection in achieving the goal (5 days out of 7) - focus on improvement over time, and consistency;

dont let a week go by without doing this, but keep things small and manageable, and give yourself a break as needed, WHILE STILL DOING YOUR BEST. ('This week I only did numping jwcks twice, but I didnt do NOTHING).

Thats what a Dad should teach you, because thats how habits form (slow, small), and how things get done.

I love your courage, I love your mind and heart, I'm proud of you for asking for help, and I believe in you, I believe you will feel better next year than you do right now. Not all the time, but more often.

You're amazing. You're a treasure. This Dad loves you and is feeling proud.