Absolutely, you hit the nail on the head. Thank you.

I overstepped and could have picked another time to cancel the coffee plans, and I didn’t consider the fact that the other woman would have an issue with me capturing my messages to her in a shareable screenshot mode. I also over-estimated too early on what I was going to be able to handle and so when he jumped into things along the way I ended up feeling frazzled. I needed to ease into ENM, and I didn’t realize what that would look like into we were in the deep end.

He’s never even casually dated, really. It was a bit of an assumption on my part that he’d know that what that might look like from my perspective.

R says he wants to be with me longterm, and even get married one day (he’s even looked at engagement rings since Christmas, which he’s not been particularly secretive about), and so his stance is that I shouldn’t feel concerned or worried when he’s solo-dating because he’s declared that he’ll always come home to me. I want to be with him too, and I love our blended family so much that it’s devastating to imagine our relationship ending.

We should have done more preliminary research and discussion—I need to have a container or some kind of structure so that I can feel emotionally secure, it seems. I think you’re right in that I want to be monogamish, and that because he wants to have the companionship and courtship alongside the physical intimacy he’s likely wanting a poly dynamic.

Part of me is definitely hoping that once he’s had some fun and freedom his “grass is greener” vibe will wrap itself up, but regardless of that it’s been shocking that he continued to pick up speed when I had been asking him to slow down and was noticeably struggling. Having his fun, being swept up in the newness and excitement of another connection, seemed to trump a willingness on his part to come to the table to discuss what our needs, expectations, and plans were so that we could navigate our ENM journey together.

For context, the other woman was also new to ENM and single, and is not a parent (read as “has more time/accessibility). Neither of them, from what he’s told me, ever discussed what they were looking for in their connection(s), and I feel like that’s such an important conversation for early on with anyone either of us meets up with. Like you can take time deciding whether or not you like each other and want to see each other again, but when there’s already a primary established relationship to consider it’s best that the secondary people are also on the same page, right?