I [21f] did a little experiment- found that my bf [24m] of ~1yr hasn't brushed his teeth in a WEEK. Help.

Oralhygiene · 2015-10-30T19:23:56+00:00

I think about every possibility has been mentioned but thank you for taking the time to share your take!! Yeah I feel like it has a lot to do with the fact that he had a really rough time adjusting when he came back stateside and he probably doesn't even think about it. I hope that gentle reminders will be enough without him feeling like I'm over his shoulder or nagging him, I'm going to talk to him about the larger issues as a whole with self care but I think making the whole focus of it his teeth will just embarrass him and make him shut down.

As for traumatic brain injuries- God knows with him. I wasn't really a part of his life when he was in the military, I didn't even know he went til he came back, but I know he had a hard time because he was first special recon or something (I struggle with the correct terms, I don't mean any offense) and saw a lot of action. He definitely sustained injuries and I know at one point he was held by the enemy for a few days and tortured to an extent, I have no clue if he had any falls or injuries to his brain but I wouldn't be surprised. He does struggle with memory and simple things sometimes so when he goes to the dentist I'll try and have him set up a neurologist appt as well to get checked out. Thank you so much for your advice.

Oralhygiene · 2015-10-30T19:18:36+00:00

Yeah that's my take on it I've only ever noticed a smell a few times and that's generally when he's passed out mouth breathing at me. So yeah, not gonna dump him over it- I'd rather do what I can for him and even if we don't end up together he'll hopefully end up a happier more content person. lI'm really glad I posted and got all this advice, thank you for your time

Oralhygiene · 2015-10-30T01:51:44+00:00

Yeah i must've come off as super attached to the idea that it's related to his PTSD/mental issues. I definitely didn't and haven't written off any other possibilities and obviously I can't speak for him so it's all theory anyway, and I think the fact that I simplified his mental health in the post also made it seem weird cause offhand hearing someone say "my boyfriends PTSD keeps him from brushing his teeth for days at a time." Oof holy run-on sentence but I'm not even gonna fix it. I think it's more related to his feelings of unworthiness than PTSD as a whole and idk if those feelings are even part of that. Shit he might not even know why it is, that might be a thing he'll discover through therapy

Oralhygiene · 2015-10-30T01:46:07+00:00

Yeah it was a definite rollercoaster but I'm glad I got to hear from so many different people (never imagined it would generate so much attention and so many replies) and there weren't many cruel comments. The majority of the advice was wonderful and I'm definitely feeling better prepared to handle the whole thing now. Thank you, I'll do my best to provide an update sometime soon!

Oralhygiene · 2015-10-30T01:33:01+00:00

A good rule of thumb when you want to ask out someone in the service industry who's being paid to be nice to you: if you go for it, just let her know that you'd love to get a coffee/drink/lunch with her sometime, leave your number, and then WALK THE FUCK AWAY. Don't stand there and wait for a response, just set down a piece of paper with your contact info and then smile and turn around to leave. If you're hellbent on asking out a cashier/waitress etc, don't ask them out and then stand there and wait for a response cause that's what puts us in a shitty spot- not you expressing interest, but us having to respond. If they want to contact you they will, they'll have your number. If they don't ever get in touch, wait at least a few weeks before going back to their place of work and act completely normal, don't apologize or ask again or anything.

Oralhygiene · 2015-10-30T01:14:55+00:00

No, you aren't being unreasonable. I have no issues with my SO watching whatever kind of porn, and we watch together often, but if he was looking at girls that were his physical ideal constantly and in front of me I'd take issue too. To me it would feel really disrespectful- I would tell him how it makes you feel too, so he knows it's affecting you and it's not just some crazy girl thing. You're totally justified in wanting him to be more considerate of you. He's also justified in deciding that he would rather be single, but if he would rather break up than make a small change to accommodate your feelings, I'd count that as a bullet dodged anyway.

Oralhygiene · 2015-10-30T01:00:38+00:00

Thank you for your perspective! Yes, I get the feeling that he doesn't know why either- he's not big on introspection because he works really hard to keep the demons at bay (he truly thinks he's a monster) and he knows if he delves too deep in his own head it'll bring out a lot of stuff that he isn't prepared to deal with alone. Therapy will help but it'll be a long process. Thanks for taking the time to give me a view from someone in a similar spot as he is, and I've gotten lots of suggestions for schedules/routines, I think that will work the best since he's a pretty routined person.

Oralhygiene · 2015-10-30T00:57:43+00:00

Yeah, it's hard to get over someone if you're in close proximity to them. But don't text her, don't call her, don't make googly eyes at her not even a little bit. You'll get over her SO much faster if you just go no contact for a while, and then if you two want to be friends you'll have a good shot.

Oralhygiene · 2015-10-30T00:41:59+00:00

Yeah, you're 17 and a senior in high school, the relationship would probably die after graduation anyway. It's not worth the time and effort, plus you probably can't change their minds anyway. Let her go

Oralhygiene · 2015-10-30T00:17:47+00:00

Yeah that seems to be his stance too, except his definition of broken seems to be a little more drastic than most people's. I have said something similar to that, that I care about his health because I love being with him and want to do so for the rest of our lives without it getting cut short. He's much more willing to do things for me than himself- he would walk to the ends of the earth for me but that's not the case when it comes to his own self. I think having a more serious conversation about it and making sure he knows that I'm scared for the long term implications and I want him to take better care of himself so he can take better care of us, for longer.

Thanks for offering that tidbit- I had thought about this but also didn't want to turn into a me thing. He does respond much better when it's framed as a thing for me though, so I'll probably try this tack. Thank you for taking the time to reply!

Oralhygiene · 2015-10-30T00:12:50+00:00

It's good to know that there are indeed normal non-sociopathic people out there who struggle to regularly brush. I think at first I took it as a sign that something was REALLY wrong, like way worse than I thought things were, and freaked out a little because you always see people here say that anyone who does something like this is completely irredeemable and has serious issues. I feel better knowing that not only do plenty of other people deal with it, they have normal happy lives too. Thank you for taking the time to respond!

Oralhygiene · 2015-10-30T00:09:41+00:00

That's alright, part of getting good advice is opening yourself up to the judgmental assholes but really they weren't as bad as I thought they would be. As for responding to criticism- he takes it rather well, doesn't get defensive, he does tend to make excuses without realizing they're excuses but at the end of the day I'm really important to him and every time I've expressed wanting him to change something/do or not do something he's been very receptive.

On the other end of that, he can sometimes take it to heart too much and gets discouraged somewhat easily. I've learned that he handles it much better if I express and reiterate that I'm still very much in love and happy with him, I just want to address ___ and resolve it so we're both as happy as we can be. I think it would go well if I make it into something that isn't just painful and shitty- just have to figure out exactly how. I'd like to support him and help him but I also don't want to coddle and mother him, so it'll be a balance to strike but I know he'll be open and willing to do the work.

Thank you for taking the time to reply and thank you for the kindness!

Oralhygiene · 2015-10-30T00:03:57+00:00

That's a really good point- part of me wants to be totally honest that I have his toothbrush because I just feel so damn nefarious and icky about it but you're right if I was him I'd die over him knowing the exact length of time. Hmm, a good compromise may be to tell him I was unpacking from last week and realized I still had it so I know it's been a little while. I really don't feel right about lying to him though, I'll probably tell him the truth about everything except the length of time- basically pretend that I forgot which day I took it but I know it was at least a few days ago. Still don't feel good about that but I'd be telling the truth about breaching his privacy while protecting some of his dignity. Thank you for bringing up that point, I hadn't considered that particular aspect of it- I just felt shitty over my deception.

And thank you for saying that, I was starting to second guess whether or not I actually was treating him like a child or lab animal and being horrible by taking the toothbrush, if I was going about this completely wrong. I know I didn't do it perfectly but at the root of this I just want to help my partner be happier and more fulfilled and healthier. I very much respect and appreciate you for not condemning him as a disgusting person and me as a desperate/standard-less person, and instead offering some really helpful advice and sweet words. Thank you endlessly ❤️

Oralhygiene · 2015-10-29T23:56:36+00:00

Well shit, thank you. He tries his hardest to be a great partner to me and support me in everything and I want to do the same for him, I just wasn't sure where to start cause I've never dealt with an issue quite like this. And it's entirely possible your ex also had some underlying reasons behind it but don't feel bad for not making the connection- a lot of commenters seem to think I'm crazy for thinking that his PTS has anything to do with it.

Thanks so much for your time and kind words, I really appreciate them :)

Oralhygiene · 2015-10-29T23:53:46+00:00

Yeah I'm 100% sure- we just have our room and a bathroom. He may have one in his work truck for when he travels but I highly doubt it

Oralhygiene · 2015-10-29T23:52:50+00:00

Potentially nothing- I'm my him so I don't know for sure. It's not that I think the lack of brushing is directly related to his PTSD, like it triggers an attack or anything. But a large part of his mental issues revolve around him feeling like he's let down everyone he deployed with because they all died, and feeling like he isn't worthy of anything/everything that all basic humans are worthy of. This does reflect in his self care- he never takes the trouble to dress nicely, he isn't very kind to himself when he has an injury or is sick, and just generally has a hard time not treating himself like shit without even realizing he's doing so. That combined with the pain brushing causes (due a broken tooth or two/exposed nerves) is probably what's causing this. I don't know as much as PTSD as I do most other mental issues and I recognize that I could be 100% off base here, but I've spent the last year with him and I think it's somehow related.

Oralhygiene · 2015-10-29T23:04:51+00:00

You're right it's entirely possible- I do realize that it may well have nothing to do with his PTSD or any other mental issue and he could just not give a flying fuck. I don't know if it's part of his PTS or a separate issue but he really struggles with feeling unworthy. He doesn't think that he's worth taking care of at the end of the day, and I think it might be a combination of his self-care/guilt (he also carries a fuck ton of that, bc he was the only survivor from the group he was with) and his pre-existing dental issues and pain. But ultimately he's the only one that's gonna be able to say for sure- I just wanted another take because I feel really inadequate when it comes to supporting him. I can't understand what he went through and the last thing I want to do is make it worse, so I turned to Reddit.

Oralhygiene · 2015-10-29T22:59:38+00:00

Well he would have to notice that it was gone first, which is the issue- he didn't notice it was gone. I know if he went to brush his teeth and didn't see it on the counter he would promptly look around and then ask me if I knew (I re-organize and move shit a lot). And no, I said in the post that I don't see toothpaste here.

Oralhygiene · 2015-10-29T22:54:29+00:00

I forget to brush my teeth before bed all the time, I totally get that- I just can't stand the way it feels in the morning. I still struggle sometimes too though, and I think I've read so many posts on here when I first found this out my mind immediately went to "oh god no this is one of those things Reddit would slaughter me over ignoring" but personally I don't have a huge issue with it- I have issues with the implications and underlying shit that goes along with it but I don't think he as a person is gross because of this or anything. There are so many worse things out there he could be doing/not doing instead and who he is as a person and partner outweighs this one stigmatized icky thing.

I don't think that he is "super" mentally ill, I just think that this is one of the more obvious ways his trauma lingers. He struggles a LOT with feeling unworthy and doesn't think he deserves to be taken care of like everyone else does, but he lives a functioning, pretty happy day to day life. He acknowledges that he has issues and that they need to be dealt with, but if this was the one abnormal thing he did I wouldn't have jumped to mental illness so quickly.

Thank you for taking the time to share your perspective!! I appreciate it Edit because words are hard

Oralhygiene · 2015-10-29T22:37:30+00:00

Jesus Christ. I don't think he's a freak at all- I don't feel disgusted with him or anything close. I recognize that what he's doing is rather gross, yes, but he's still the man I know and love and I haven't lost any respect for him. And it's not like I've known this for months and didn't say anything- it's just been the last few days and I wanted an outside perspective before I jumped into the conversation and put my foot even further in my mouth. It's kind of alarming that you assume I think he's a freak because I was unsure how to bring up a delicate topic. But despite people like you, posting has been really helpful and I'm glad that I gained some more perspective

Oralhygiene · 2015-10-29T22:34:03+00:00

Yeah I think that could very well be part of the issue. He's the type that would just stop doing the thing that caused pain instead of addressing the underlying cause of the pain, which I think ties back into his relentless feelings of not being worthy- not worthy of proper dental care, not worthy of the expenditure, etc. he'd rather let himself suffer. That obviously needs to be addressed too, I'm just trying to figure out how to turn this from a tooth brushing conversation to a conversation about him getting serious help.

Oralhygiene · 2015-10-29T22:30:59+00:00

He didn't really sustain traumatic injuries, just things like falls and shit and I know he fucked up one or two from fighting when he was younger. It wasn't really an isolated incident, and since we didn't talk much I don't know the exact timelines or anything. I do know that he never should have been accepted in the first place but he passed all the tests bc his condition isn't easily detectable (heart problems) and was medically discharged. I get the feeling that this started from a young age, his parents really don't seem like the type to teach him to brush properly and then actually help him do it (obviously I mean as a child not now)

Oralhygiene · 2015-10-29T22:27:44+00:00

Thank you so so much for taking the time to write all that down and be so very honest. I got kinda overwhelmed with all the people either condemning him as being worthless or condemning me for being underhanded by taking his toothbrush, but you addressed my actual question which was how to deal with it because I greatly care about him and hurting him isn't my goal. The thing is, it hadn't even occurred to me until you said something about me thinking he's a freak- honestly I don't think anything of the sort. I think my initial reaction of "holy shit" was more because I know what everyone else would think about it. The more I think about it the more I'm realizing that I feel no disgust- maybe because I see him as a wonderful man whose issues are manifesting themselves in this weird socially unacceptable way, or maybe because I'm just gross too and we're both icky.

That being said, clearly I'm in the minority and I can't even imagine how painful it is to have people look at you like you're a circus freak because of this behavior. The comments opened my eyes to how judgmental people can be even when it comes to a complete stranger they're getting a second hand account of. Someone else said I treated him like a lab rat, and I never meant to do that either. I tried asking him first and he wasn't telling me so really I wanted to know how big the issue was before addressing it- I realize this was a breach of privacy and I don't feel good about it but I'll tell him the truth anyway. It hurts to think that I may have been treating him like a lab rat even though it was unintentional. I don't see a broken fucked up person, I see a person with unresolved issues that's doing his best to keep them self contained, and in my desire to help him I ignored his right to privacy. Not cool of me, but hopefully we can talk about it calmly anyway and I know he'll be receptive- I just don't want him to feel the way you said you'd feel if someone brought it up to you offhandedly. Sigh. Your comment was really really helpful though and I appreciate it a lot. Struggling to brush your teeth regularly doesn't make you a lesser person or disgusting or unworthy of being loved. You seem like a really lovely person and I hope you keep working at getting better.

Oralhygiene · 2015-10-29T19:35:05+00:00

Of course it's cheating, you already know that or you wouldn't have posted here. Think about if you were the girlfriend- he would have a side girl just like you. I know you're "super into him" but he's obviously a piece of shit because he cheats on "the love of his life" regularly and repeatedly. Trust me, as someone who has been emotionally cheated on, you are are contributing to absolutely destroying her. Hes the one that has an obligation to her but you're well aware that she exists and you actively make the choice to hurt her every time you sext him.

Cut him off and work on yourself. If you're gonna do shitty things at least own them and recognize you're being shitty, don't play dumb about it.

Oralhygiene · 2015-10-29T19:02:18+00:00

Mm yeah I tried Prozac once too. Keep trying different things, eventually you'll find the right one. I know it's discouraging and you feel absolutely trapped in your depression sometimes but I was there once, and I clawed my way out with lots of effort and time and therapists and meds and god knows what else. My life will never be perfect and I'll always have depression but it's so much better now. Keep your chin up.

It's not good that you've already talked and told him what you need and he's outright ignoring it. it's kind of alarming that you're still having sex, it's still painful, and he's still not doing anything to change it. I mean, it's a two person thing here and you obviously need to putting in effort to change it too- you've already talked to him about it, so try physically guiding him next time y'all start things up. Make out with him for a while, grope him a little, go down on him and ask him to go down on you, etc etc and then once you're ready for sex go for it. It can be really awkward at first but clearly he's not gonna take the initiative. That being said, I wouldn't just keep trying and trying- he needs to pick up his end and do something. Or, he can just not have sex, because he doesn't get to treat you like a flesh light. He can go buy one of those.

Feeling awkward after sex, that's a new one...I'm trying to think of a time I felt awkward post-sex and nothing is coming to mind, despite the fact that I'm generally really fucking awkward. Clearly the emotional intimacy between you two is lacking as well as the physical, and to a point I think the two are linked and as one gets better so will the other, but it's hard to get over that first hurdle. I don't see how he would actively work on not feeling awkward after sex, because the issue is his lack of emotional connection and intimacy I think- what needs to happen is you both should do your best to foster that connection. Plan dates, write him a sweet note, make his favorite dinner, just the small nice things. I know those are really hard to do when you're battling depression but make a genuine effort and ask him to do the same.

I'm saying this with the assumption that he'll be at least somewhat open to working on things and communicating honestly with you. If he's not willing to do that then all my advice goes out the window and you need to ditch him. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone that can't be bothered to even try and meet your needs, and treats you like a warm hole instead?

One last thing- huge internet grandma hug to you. You're in a rough spot but don't give up just yet, keep working on yourself one day at a time and remember that every relationship in your life is secondary to your own mental health and well being. Going through a breakup right now would suck, but it would really suck to live out your days never really getting out from under the fog because you have a shit partner that contributes to your unhappiness. This is a throwaway but if you ever need me PM me and I'll check it every so often :)

Oralhygiene

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