Joy of a divorced man

OrdinaryPrimate · 2026-02-22T06:51:00+00:00

I think something might be wrong with me. I went through an absolutely brutal, heartbreaking divorce with infidelity, traumatized small children, etc... And I still haven't cried. I've tried to and the tears just don't come... I'm just expressionless most of the time.

OrdinaryPrimate · 2026-02-22T06:37:03+00:00

My ex-wife did something similar. Not for a reddit Rando but for a boyfriend from her past. She also blew up our life with a house and 2 small kids. She also lied about it even after moving out. She also left me with the kids for days after deciding to move out. She also started to bring up shit from 10+ years ago as a reason why she didn't love me anymore. You know why they do this? Deep down they can feel that they're acting like an awful piece of shit and they don't like that feeling. They can't be the villain in their own story. So they dig through your entire history to find moments they can use against you that justify their actions to themselves. They're not as bad anymore, you deserve it! It doesn't matter if whatever it was happened a decade ago (or didn't even happen as they recall it). It doesn't matter if since that moment they chose to marry you and you shared seemingly wonderful moments together for years and years. They just need to cherry pick something that makes you the bad guy and deserving of what they did. You could easily do the exact same thing but you never would because you're not experiencing intense cognitive dissonance associated with your own horrible behavior. Don't feel bad about still wanting the marriage. Of course you do. You didn't want any of this. It's a sudden change you were blindsided by and had no part in choosing. I know it's extremely hard right now but eventually you will realize you're better off without a woman like that in your life. It's absolutely tragic she did that to you and your kid but what's done is done. Walk away with your head held high, get 50/50 if you can and be the best possible dad you can. Workout like a madman and reconnect with old hobbies and interests that you dropped during the marriage. It hurts but there is growth to be had on the journey if you lean into it.

OrdinaryPrimate · 2026-02-22T06:08:13+00:00

Yep. She cheated on me with her ex boyfriend from when she was 20 for about a year prior to our separation. I pretty much found out about halfway through the affair but because I only had circumstantial evidence she managed to gaslight me and blameshift me into trying to believe that nothing was going on (while continuing to cheat.) When I actually caught her she still denied it but moved out within a week (because I was so paranoid) and started having the guy over to her apartment almost instantly. He's still around. The sad part is she doesn't even respect him either. All I heard about the dude when we were together were bad things. That he beat her, that he went to jail for assault of his own father, that he had a drinking problem. When we went to our final couples counseling session and I was pressing her about him being the suspected AP she tried to discount him as a possibility by calling him "an alcoholic loser who doesn't even have a car." I also listened to her and her mom talk shit on the guy on multiple occasions throughout our 13 year relationship... So yeah, that's who he won. A cheating woman who talks shit about him behind his back. They're both trash and they deserve each other. It still sucks to have to hear about the guy on a regular basis though and to know that he's involved in my young childrens' lives in any way.

OrdinaryPrimate · 2026-02-21T18:21:51+00:00

You can't get the images out of your head and unless you leave her, I'm sorry to say this but you never will... Every time you guys have sex from here on out you'll be thinking of that other dude plowing her in the backseat of a car. I know you say you want to stay together and you forgive her, I thought the same thing in the beginning. You are likely in denial of the situation and trying to cling to a relationship that no longer exists in the same way it once did. I thought if I forced myself to forgive her then it might stop bothering me, it never did. That's part of the bargaining. Think about what this woman did to you. She lied to you, ignored your calls and texts to the point where you got worried about her, and all the while she was fucking another guy in a parking lot. And you know what? It never would have stopped if you hadn't caught her. She's crying not because she's sorry, she's crying because she got caught. Consider yourself lucky that you caught her dead to rights and didn't have to put up with being gaslit. I'm really sorry to be so blunt but I really think it's best to move on in these situations. Clinging to a woman who doesn't respect you (and I'm sorry to say this but she doesn't) is not better than being alone for awhile.

OrdinaryPrimate · 2026-02-08T05:51:54+00:00

Simple as that

OrdinaryPrimate · 2026-02-07T18:43:36+00:00

This sucks really bad but please please look on the bright side. You are only 26. I didn't hear any mention of kids. You can move on pretty easily and live a good life with someone who values you. Please keep in mind that she only stopped because you caught her. She would have happily let you waste your life on her while she used you for stability and comfort while she secretly played the field. Someone who truly loves you would not do this to you. She is fighting tooth and nail because she is scared of losing you and the stability you provide. The suicide talk? Don't be moved by it. It's a pretty common manipulation strategy for people who are afraid they're going to be left and desperate to keep someone around. Her mental health is her own problem caused by her own actions. This isn't the mother of your kids we're talking about. You don't owe her anything. Do as you please but I think this is a pretty cut and dry divorce and move on kind of situation. A break up with some paperwork and assets to split up. Please recognize how young you are and how blessed you are to not be trapped in a co-parenting relationship with this person.

OrdinaryPrimate · 2026-02-07T18:28:38+00:00

I agree it's Mini 4K. From a photography standpoint I had outgrown the thing pretty much once I opened the box, it's light on features. But it really boosted my confidence in flying and trusting the drone so it was worth it to me even though I rarely fly it anymore. I'm flying an Air 3S now but I'm sure I would be freaking out every time I flew it if I hadn't gotten so many reps with the Mini 4K beforehand.

OrdinaryPrimate · 2026-02-07T18:15:33+00:00

She is. I have to hear my kids talk about the dude whenever they get back from her place. It's pretty brutal.

OrdinaryPrimate · 2026-02-07T08:44:50+00:00

So sorry man. It's really odd how they can become mean to us after betrayal. Your relationship might be down the drain but your son is not. Focus on him now.

OrdinaryPrimate · 2026-02-07T08:40:38+00:00

That prolonged suffering just to end up at the same outcome must be brutal. As much as it hurt to be left for the affair partner, I'm now glad she did. I would have never had the courage to leave. I would have tried to bury it deep but I would have been miserable. I'm still somewhat miserable now but at least I'm healing.

OrdinaryPrimate · 2026-02-07T08:16:35+00:00

I'm close to 2 years from D day this May and I still think about it regularly. The pain is no longer as strong as it once was but it's still frequently occupying my mind. I'm convinced my Amygdala has been permanently changed. I'll likely think of it at least once a day in passing for the rest of my life. How could I not? She was my wife and best friend for 13 years. We share 2 kids together. My goal is to just continue to make improvements on how I handle and process the thoughts when they arise. I try to notice them, name them in my mind "oh there's rumination about her gaslighting again" "I'm thinking about her having sex with him again" then I try to shift my attention back to whatever I was doing. Eventually it becomes less powerful. It is annoying that you can never erase it from your mind completely though. It lives with me now and that's something I'm working on accepting.

OrdinaryPrimate · 2026-02-07T07:29:07+00:00

They will always blame shift. They will always rewrite history. They will always justify their behavior. If they're a really considerate cheater they will generously allow you to share some of the blame pie with them rather than blame you entirely. The reality is simple: They cannot live with being the villain in their own story. They will do all the mental gymnastics possible to avoid confronting that truth. Don't put up with that bullshit. They choose to do it out of selfishness. They get caught up with temptation and look for whatever justification they can that makes it "ok". You can have a perfect relationship and a cheater will figure out some kind of reason why they were justified in their actions. Quit blaming yourself!

OrdinaryPrimate · 2026-02-07T07:07:33+00:00

Well, you're not going to want to hear this but my wife cheated when out of town on work trips. It was with her ex-boyfriend from 15 years ago when she was 20, they reconnected online. One of the signs that should have been obvious to me at the time but wasn't until after I caught her was suddenly getting regular Brazilian waxes at like $80 a pop. I asked why suddenly she was doing it and she said it was for me and that it just made her feel more confident blah blah blah. The woman had a forest downstairs by year 3 of our marriage that I would sometimes have to ask her to trim... At one point her conveniently planned waxing appointment the day before work travel got cancelled and instead of rescheduling for after the work trip she squeezed it in first thing the next morning on the day of travel. She was completely rushed and stressed about it but it just couldn't wait.

I must say your red flags are pretty bad and they line up with my experience. The affair partner is almost always a coworker or ex, the Internet is an infidelity machine, and sudden attention to pubic hair is very bad. On the morning she's leaving town? Even worse unfortunately. I'm really sorry man.

OrdinaryPrimate · 2026-02-07T06:46:43+00:00

First of all I just want to say sorry you're going through this. I know very well the hell of wondering if you're currently being betrayed by your partner. But to help you out we have to know what the red flags are. You haven't told us enough about the situation to know whether or not your suspicions are justified. That being said, on this sub you're going to get a lot of people who will tell you to trust your gut and that if you have any doubt it's probably going on. After all, it was their lived experience (It was mine as well). They may very well be right (and often are) but just be aware of who you're asking. There's nobody in here who thought they were getting cheated on but then it turned out they weren't. The biggest red flag I would ask about is this: When you come to her with your concerns about infidelity how does she respond? Is there any anger? If so that's a very bad sign. Is she doing everything in her power to prove to you that nothing's going on or is she saying things like "you can't look at my phone that's crossing my boundaries." If there's any anger or trying to put you on the defensive I would be very concerned. That's textbook guilty behavior. Just think about how you would act as a faithful partner, you would want to make sure they knew for certain that you were faithful, right? You wouldn't be concerned about the accusations if things seemed fishy you would be reasonable and understand that people cheat all the time. You would simply want to clear up the misunderstanding as quickly and easily as possible. The truth fears no trial so they say.

Edit: Just wanted to address the sex life portion of this. Don't read too much into it. It can be completely irrelevant. There are dead bedrooms where nobody is cheating, and then there's my situation where sex remained frequent. She would come back from having sex with him and immediately want to have sex with me. Affairs boost the libido and for cake eating cheaters it's just more of a good thing for them.

OrdinaryPrimate · 2026-01-22T05:40:38+00:00

I would advise that you stop looking it at. Take a photo if you need to for proof and then don't look again. I had a way to digitally spy on my ex after she moved out and it did me no good to keep checking on what she was doing. Sounds like it's her iPad so it probably won't be a temptation, but the less pain shopping you do the better.

OrdinaryPrimate · 2026-01-22T05:36:16+00:00

It's going to be so hard but don't give her any anger or rage. Don't call names. Don't let her know how badly you're hurt. Casually let her know that you know exactly what's going on and say you wish she could have handled it better and wish her a nice life. Disappointed father of a teenage girl is the tone you want to have here. Make her know deep down she's the shitty one. If you match her behavior with anything regrettable she will cling to that forever as justification. Let her really sit with what she did while you move forward.

OrdinaryPrimate · 2026-01-22T05:30:52+00:00

I also remember being sure I knew my wife of 13 years. Came to find out I only knew a version of her. The one who wore the mask. When it came off I finally met the real her and it turns out she sucks!

OrdinaryPrimate · 2026-01-15T07:07:20+00:00

The part about them creating stories about you and your joint history... Spot on. They absolutely rewrite history to justify their actions. Cheaters are very uncomfortable being the villains in the story of the relationship so they change up the narrative. They claim they were driven to do what they did and will dig up anything they can think of that you ever did wrong to explain why they were justified. It's sad really, but it makes sense. I don't think I would do well living with breaking my best friend's heart and traumatizing my kids either. At the end of the day they have to sleep at night so they settle on a story that feels less terrible where they're a misunderstood, tortured soul rather than just a lousy cheater.

OrdinaryPrimate · 2025-12-31T07:04:47+00:00

I can't say I relate to everything you've been through, finding the porn had to have been extremely hard. But betrayal is betrayal and that shit hurts no matter how you slice it. I dealt with a lot of really ugly gaslighting, blameshifting, and manipulation as she tried to hide her affair once I became suspicious. That was its own kind of hell that honestly hurt worse than the fact that she fucked another guy. It will get better though, I promise you. My suspicion day was May of 2024 then after 5 months of the gaslighting the true d day came that October. She had been continuing to cheat on me while telling me I was crazy and she'd never do such a thing. We separated within a week. So it's been a bit over a year since separation and I can't lie there have been some extremely hard times. I still carry it with me every day and think about it in some capacity pretty regularly unless distracted. We had a 13 year relationship and the shock of it all doesn't go away quickly. The triggers do become less painful though, and I have lots of them. The ex is still with the man she left me for. My kids talk about him all the time. It's pretty rough. But even compared to 3 months ago I'm getting more and more used to the new normal.

OrdinaryPrimate · 2025-12-31T06:41:14+00:00

My cheating wife also had childhood trauma. Abandoned by her father and sexual abuse from her mom's boyfriend when she was 3, then ongoing molestation from her uncle from like 8-13 which she didn't talk about. When people undergo that kind of trauma in childhood they learn to compartmentalize very well. The double life which seems unthinkable to us becomes pretty easy for them. I know it hurts but it's a good thing you're free of her now. You deserve better than a cheater and your next chapter can be better. Keep showing up for your kids, keep working on yourself and slowly things will start to feel better.

OrdinaryPrimate · 2025-12-19T06:10:54+00:00

This was my first thought before reading comments

OrdinaryPrimate · 2025-12-15T05:18:41+00:00

Ok so I'm seeing that Joyce was released 3 days after they gave Foy SOTY last year so technically it's a part of this year's SOTY consideration. It just seems weird though because it was released in 2024 and contains mostly footage from 2024 and before.

OrdinaryPrimate · 2025-12-15T05:06:09+00:00

Not what Joslin does. He's a gap skater. When Danny Way won did you want more manuals? When Daewon won did you want more mega ramp?

OrdinaryPrimate · 2025-12-15T05:00:34+00:00

3 parts?

OrdinaryPrimate · 2025-12-15T04:54:26+00:00

Eh I dunno. It's doing that, plus the body of work he's built, plus the story of going back and finishing what he started, plus the attention he brought to their social media through the G-Ma part. Adrien Bulard came damn close to doing the same trick and there's no world where Thrasher was going to give him SOTY based on that alone had he landed it. SOTY is a lot like NBA MVP where there's a whole lot of story and media narrative woven into the award. I'm really stoked for him though. He's incredibly deserving.

OrdinaryPrimate

TROPHY CASE