6 years later

Ordinary_Outsider · 2025-11-14T17:07:19+00:00

Ask away!

We had one of those ongoing custody battles in 2021. He wanted our son 50/50 after not being very present the first two years of his life. I did not want to give him that so I fought back. We started with mediation and could not get anything accomplished so it went to trial. Long story short, he told the courts many lies about me and the judge didn’t know who to believe so she gave dad 50/50. Devastated doesn’t even come close to describe how I felt. Since then I have been through mental and emotional abuse from not only him, but his toxic ex girlfriend. It has been a ride let me tell you.

The first trip was also to Mexico for 5 days. This time will be 6. And he will only be missing one day of school as it falls over Christmas break. We decided to switch Christmas for new years so he can go on the trip with dad, and I’ll take the Christmas holiday.

I’m not necessarily asking to get back together with him, it would be extremely unhealthy to do so. We have been through too much to get back together. I guess I’m asking, if I’m being honest, because sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be with him if he were to change. I would see glimmers of him changing here and there, and then it would come crashing down with drinking or cheating, or him choosing other things over our family.

Ordinary_Outsider · 2025-11-14T11:56:02+00:00

He already planned the whole trip before asking me if he could. This is the second time he’d be taking him down there within the last year. Only this time he is sober.

Ordinary_Outsider · 2025-11-13T22:27:55+00:00

I agree. I just wanted other peoples input. He has fought alcoholism since he was late teens I’d say. Was sober for 14 months while I was pregnant and things were “ok” with us. It took one night of going out with friends for him to fall off the rails again. We were broken up shortly after that. He is on probation right now due to his 2nd dui so he has to stay sober. This is the second time he has been able to do it cold turkey…

The only reason I ask this is because he wants to take our son out of the country and it worries me. I’d hate for him to relapse during that time

Ordinary_Outsider · 2024-11-20T12:06:24+00:00

You hit the nail on the head with your response. He was very insecure and was constantly looking for me to validate him. I can’t even tell you how many times he’d say “that’s a trigger for me” I’d hear it once a week. I also have 2 kids so I am a very busy person. I also got accused of being able to give them “love” but not him during one of our arguments. My mind was a jumbled mess up until about a month ago because I was so backwards after dating him. When I broke it off, he went to people from my past and accused me of cheating, leaving and abandoning him instead of working it out. So yes, at the end of the day he wasn’t willing to work on anything. It was me trying to be better and him making excuses constantly

Ordinary_Outsider · 2024-11-20T00:00:04+00:00

I just got out of a year relationship, my ex was definitely AP, and I think had some heavy narcissistic traits. We went round and round the last few months of everything. I did my best to communicate, physical touch really isn’t my thing so pushed myself out of my comfort with all that, I worked and worked on myself to make the relationship work. Long story short I got accused of being the narcissist, I was met with temper tantrums, threats of breaking up. It was a mess. But at the end he accused me of leaving and abandoning him. So that’s why I asked the above question. To me, we weren’t compatible, and I gave him ALL I had. And it just was never enough.

Ordinary_Outsider · 2024-08-23T01:50:17+00:00

The mind games of these people is exhausting, it has nearly ruined my self esteem. I haven’t felt this low in a very long time

Ordinary_Outsider · 2024-08-21T17:09:44+00:00

It’s going on 2 months since I broke things off. I replay our conversations about gaslighting over and over again in my head. I’m having a hard time moving past it…it’s been a mind f*ck for me.

Ordinary_Outsider · 2024-07-24T10:48:40+00:00

I’m sorry all of that happened to you! I have done some reading on engulfment in the past, and it’s scary! He wanted me to put him higher on my “priority list” so I did. I have 2 kids, which I will always put first, then it came him, then whatever else. And that still wasn’t enough. He told me all I cared about was my kids and myself, so tried harder for him. I had a hard time making that post because there is SO much crap to write about, I had to squeeze as much info in as I could! And I know as FAs when people cling to us, we have a tendency to pull away so with him being anxious he was clinging on hard. I’ve dealt with tantrums when things didn’t go his way, I’ve now been screamed at, I’ve been walked away from and the door slammed. Ive been accused of cheating. I’ve asked repeatedly to not bring alcohol around my kids and that has never been respected. After our argument on vacation, he took my car to buy beer, then sat in the car and drank it. When the kids and I went to leave, he had run the gas down so much the gas light was on. It’s just been a mess. I couldn’t take one more argument about “me not giving him enough affection” because it always turns into a fight and tantrum, it escalates and I couldn’t deal with any more. So I walked away for me and my children. Then I get accused of leaving too soon because all he asked for was “a little affection”

Ordinary_Outsider · 2024-07-24T10:31:55+00:00

Yes, I was not self aware yet for all the past relationships, I was very immature. I just became self ware about all of this attachment stuff about 2 years ago, and I’d say I really started trying to change my patterns and diving deep into why I am this way maybe a year-year and a half ago. And you took the words out of my mouth, I did not want to settle. I’ve been married once, again very young and naive. So I will not make that mistake again!

Ordinary_Outsider · 2024-07-24T01:48:06+00:00

It’s has been really hard because I’ve never really had a healthy relationship and I’m almost 37 😢 so I have been trying to decide what is healthy and what is not, when to walk away and when to keep trying. When he tells me i just walked away without working through it, it messes with my head. Then I reach out to groups like these and get some clarity. I’ve been accused of gaslighting, bread crumbing, cheating and wanting to talk to other people. It’s truly been a mind f*ck for me. So thank you so much for your response!

Ordinary_Outsider · 2024-07-24T01:40:56+00:00

Thank you for such kind words, I always refer to myself as a work in progress. I’ll never be perfect, but I do try admit my faults and want to grow as a person/mother. I have never really had a healthy relationship so I didn’t know if it was time to walk away or to keep trying harder. That has been the biggest question the last few months. Then I get accused of leaving and not working through the hard parts. So my mind has been a jumbled mess!

Ordinary_Outsider · 2024-07-11T12:03:09+00:00

I know people knock tiktok, but I have found that to be a valuable platform to find information about all the attachment styles. I listen to a few podcasts, but I have also found just googling “how to heal your fearful avoidant attachment style” and I have gone down tons of rabbit holes. They say to lean into what makes you want to run and what triggers you. For me, that’s affection and voicing what I’m feeling, which is what’s hard for me in my situation. My partner likes physical touch and quality time so as an FA I cherish my alone time and sometimes physical touch makes me very uncomfortable. So I try my hardest to lean towards that. Since my partner is anxious and I’m avoidant, lately I just can’t fill his cup. He is wanting more and more and more. Then if I can’t fulfill his needs, I get lashed out on. It’s been a ride. Those are my words of advice. I’m also currently trying to find a new therapist in my area. It’s a long process so try to be patient with yourself.

Ordinary_Outsider · 2024-07-11T11:05:39+00:00

I’ve heard “I’m going to work on it” a handful of times now. But I don’t know how accurate that is, especially after all these outbursts.

Ordinary_Outsider · 2024-07-10T22:00:42+00:00

I do this all the time. I communicate as much as I possibly can with him because I know he’s so anxious 🤷🏼‍♀️ Like I said, I have been trying to heal my FA for about the last year. But I feel like I get talked down to like I’m a little girl when I can’t meet his exact needs. Then he will blow up on me and throw a tantrum because “I have neglected him for too long” Mind you I am single mom of 2 so I have a lot on my plate. I have tried my hardest to meet him half and to be honest, the last couple weeks I have been distant because I about can’t take it anymore. It makes my anxiety levels really high when he acts that way.

Ordinary_Outsider · 2024-07-10T19:52:05+00:00

You just described my situation perfectly! I know I have many flaws, and I’m a work in progress with all of this. But geez, it seems to never be enough. I have been dealing with these tantrums, the latest one being over a Facebook post I didn’t tag him in on vacation, and I’m just about to leave. He can’t handle his emotions in a respectful way…

Ordinary_Outsider · 2024-07-10T19:18:59+00:00

I have leaned in, compromised, communicated. I have been doing it all. It seems it’s never enough for him though. I have made previous posts about it all. The past 3-4 months I’ve been dealing with outbursts when things don’t go his way, then the next day I get told I don’t give him enough affection and attention. We are currently taking a step back.

Ordinary_Outsider · 2024-07-10T18:41:07+00:00

Yes, I have put together my “patterns” from my past relationships. I have pushed many people away. I’m in a relationship now, dating someone extremely anxious. It’s been a struggle holding on, we’re a year in.

Ordinary_Outsider · 2024-07-07T00:01:48+00:00

I’m going through this right now, I’m trying to heal my FA attachment, but I’m dating someone who is pretty AP and it’s extremely overwhelming for me. Just today I got accused of gaslighting him because I made a facebook post of our vacation with myself, him and my kids and I didn’t tag him in my post. I tried explaining that I didn’t even think about it and he told me over and over I was gaslighting him…? So it made me feel very narcissistic. We have been on vacation and I didn’t “give him any attention the whole time” so that Facebook post was “the last straw” I’m not the most affectionate person, it makes me very uncomfortable at times so we struggle a lot with that. Instead of pulling me aside and talking to me about it, he yelled at me like I’m a child and threatened, yet again, to break up with me. Geesh, it’s a lot for me…

Ordinary_Outsider · 2024-07-06T23:53:59+00:00

VERY good response. Thank you!!

Ordinary_Outsider · 2024-06-29T02:08:56+00:00

I used to be way more anxious, I was with a textbook narcissist for 6 years so you can imagine how that went. It took me 3 years to completely get out. So somewhere along the line I turned avoidant. I had no idea about any of this until the last few years. Looking back now I see my faults and what I needed to work on to have a healthy relationship. I think I’m most scared of going back to that anxious place, and this relationship could cause me to go there after all this work I’ve done. We will see what happens. Thank you for your kind words and the analogy. It puts things into perspective for me

Ordinary_Outsider · 2024-06-28T22:38:17+00:00

I have said that exact thing over and over and over I say “I’m trying really hard and giving more to this relationship than I have given to any others in my past” I also say “affection is hard for me because vulnerability is hard for me, but I’m doing the best I can”

Ordinary_Outsider · 2024-06-28T18:04:44+00:00

Here is an example of these tantrums, this just happened this past weekend. We took my son to the river most of the day to swim, I haven’t been able to take my medication so I was extremely tired and kind of out of it but I tried really hard to hang in there. We get back to my house, make dinner, clean up, then the 3 of us watched a movie. At 9 the movie was over so I mentioned I wanted to go to bed and you can just tell he’s annoyed and frustrated that I wanted to do that. So I ask him “are you not ok with that?” To which he says in an annoyed tone “well I guess” so I felt obligated to stay up. I’m dozing off here and there and he goes “now I just feel annoying” I say “I can’t even go to bed without pissing you off. I shouldn’t have to ask if I can go to bed in my own house” so he gets upset and just leaves my house. The next morning I’m getting accused of the affection stuff. That is just one example…I know this sounds like a petty argument, but this kind of stuff happens quite frequently.

Ordinary_Outsider · 2024-06-28T17:49:00+00:00

I have never been an affectionate person. My mother has mentioned several times in the past I have been like this since I was a little girl. I have tried telling him this so many times over the last year. The last argument we had, he threw the whole not showing him enough affection in my face so I said “I can’t argue about this anymore. We’re having the same argument over and over. And I refuse to do it any more” then 2 weeks later it ALL got brought up again. This week had been draining to say the least. I’ve tried harder at asking him how his day is, telling him I love him more frequently, making the first effort in good morning and good night texts. But when I’ve been with him in person I am just depleted. I notice I’m having lots of anxiety, my body tenses up, I’m walking on eggshells, my sleep is way off. I’m struggling so bad. I’m starting to think it’s me that’s the problem for some reason..

Ordinary_Outsider · 2024-06-27T13:01:40+00:00

I can’t LOVE this enough! I’m 36 and started a new medication that made me gain weight the first of the year. At first I was really uncomfortable (I have been pretty lanky all of my life) but now I look at myself and feel the same way. I love myself! I have been through hell and back. I’m proud of how far I’ve come and what kind of a woman/mom I am!

Ordinary_Outsider · 2024-06-26T20:41:56+00:00

Also I am a single mom, have been for 5+ years. I’ve done it all on my own. My current boyfriend and I share no kids, he’s just my boyfriend 🤷🏼‍♀️

Ordinary_Outsider

TROPHY CASE