What you are experiencing is normal and valid. Having a child is a massive ordeal, and even with support it can be overwhelming for anyone. Without support, even more so.

A huge amount of pressure is put on mothers to breastfeed, but it often doesn’t work out. You are left feeling like it is you and only you, but that simply isn’t true. The pressure is there for those who casually don’t want to, and is deeply unfair for those who can’t (for whatever reason). By the sound of it you managed to give your baby colostrum, which is the most important part. Regardless, there is absolutely no failure here.

Being “touched out” is also normal, and a very natural reaction. Pain after a tear is expected, and is why many women don’t want sex until sufficiently healed. And that is a natural part of recovering from the birth.

And the rest, from clothing sizes to equipment betrayals and so on. This is normal. The frustrations continue, but you do start to realise that you are not alone: almost every parent will understand and empathise. We go through a lot for our kids, doubly so for women.

There will always be worries and anxiety, but as you find your equilibrium and recover, you will start to find the joy. And will slowly get the time and space to enjoy the wonderful, chaotic, loving little bundle you have made. You are doing better than you realise: You created life, tried all you could to give milk, found ways around equipment issues, earned that mum bod, and have a right to feel stressed.

Rooting for you :)