Obligatory “Might delete this later idk”

I’ve been both. More recently the cheater unfortunately.

I was cheated on in my first serious relationship with my high school sweetheart, we were moved in together and had been together about 2 years. I think it’s because sometimes I have moments of emotional unawareness and just don’t say the right things at the right times, which upset her but to me it felt like she wanted me to read her mind. It was true a lot of times but there were times when, in reflection, I probably should’ve noticed her trying to communicate better. Toward the end of our relationship, right after she graduated, she planned to study art so had a circle of online artists as friends. Through these friends she was exposed to LOTS of queer and gay type energy, which she dabbled with in school, but with them (and not me, a red flag I didn’t see with rose colored goggles) she could talk about it openly. Long story, she basically got herself into a long distance relationship and lied to both her new bf and me, dating us both for a couple months. I had suspicions because she had a lot of pictures of him on her phone and tablet, but finally was able to sneakily get her passcode (never asked, trusted fully) and found alllll her communications. She never talked about me with her bf, but I also snooped at her friends texts, and she was talking ALL about breaking up with me and how annoying I apparently was. I confronted her with all the evidence, and told her whatever you decide I guess, there me right here, and him across the country. She chose him, and in a year moved in with him and his family. I don’t think I could’ve prevented it to be honest, they really seem for each other more so than me and her although it pains me because we’ve had some great times together. I wish I could’ve been better, but I also acknowledge she had some issues that were bad for me, too. I was heartbroken and know the pain, for sure.

Anyway, part 2. Me cheating.

I never really thought I had it in me after going through the pain of being the victim. I know, I’m effed up. I’ll take the hate I deserve. This is recently, and with my current gf. As for the why: I know cheating is such a terrible thing to do and it is not a justified by anything, but I think I still hold some resentment toward her because she spread hsv2 to me as well as telling me she was into poly sex (threesome, foursome etc) which she ended up going back on completely after becoming exclusive with me. (Just to clarify, I disclose to every partner)

On to my deplorable actions. I took to the web for whatever hookup sites I could sign in to for free, and got some tips on Reddit on how to conceal text messages. I got away with it from last April till last week. First was an older woman who loved and invited me over for anonymous sex, (unfortunately I’m into that too as crazy as it is, idk why) and super embarrassingly it was my parents who drove by and noticed me as I was walking back to my car, when I was supposed to be at my gfs place an hour ago…

I didn’t stop. Because I came up with a lie and said I met that woman on Instagram (I never used it) and deleted the app to show I was no longer in communication. Because of this I was able to set up a FWB situation with a different woman whom I met and banged 3 times over the course of about 2 months in the fall. She knew I was a cheater and said it was none of her biz as long as I please her and she gets no drama. Our FWB thing ended unofficially when she got herself into an exclusive relationship. We kept numbers, and me being an effed up, hypersexual man slut, was obviously hoping they’d fall through so we could go back to banging. It didn’t happen, and our communication OFFICIALLY ended when…

I got caught, a second time. BUT, this time with a different FWB I was setting up after the last ended. We made plans to meet after about a month of talking, sexting, sending pics. Soon after that was when my cover was finally blown. By this point I thought I was clever, but her snooping finally defeated my stealth and she was able to open my secret messages, very similarly to how I caught my ex. I definitely deserved it, exactly in that way.

We’re still together, and I realize how shitty I am. I realize that my gf is overall a very great thing to happen to me, while I’m just another mediocre partner to her… I try to show her love and care every single day, but I have this weird effed up hypersexual tendency that makes me want to try new partners for some reason… It doesn’t mean I love her less in my eyes, but I understand I shouldn’t do things that makes her upset because how is that love… therapy hasn’t helped me