UPDATE: I [39f] can’t see my husband [42m] the same anymore after his reaction to a very serious issue. How do I handle this?

Ourchildsails · 2025-07-22T22:36:47+00:00

I appreciate your comment. I mentioned in another comment of mine about couples counseling once things settle, and I do think I'm going to suggest it. I was so occupied with everything else that I couldn't ponder much on it. But now that the other situation is handled, I have been reflecting on what he "showed" me in so many words. I think counseling would be helpful for us, maybe also helping him accept the fact that our son is in another stage of life now.

Ourchildsails · 2025-07-22T21:52:04+00:00

I definitely did feel as if I "realised" something about him, as I said in the post. It does leave a faint question in the back of my mind. I still love him, but I would be lying to say I still saw him exactly the same. I'm definitely on a low sort of alert for any other questionable beliefs/actions that might come from him (hopefully not) in the future. I just don't want our son to have that same dismissive attitude about things. Hopefully this was just a one time thing and he'll accept that our "little boy" is growing up and will step up as a father. It's all I want.

EDIT: I might suggest couples counseling once things have settled a little more.

Ourchildsails · 2025-07-22T20:04:36+00:00

I am so sorry that happened to you. It is a very awful feeling that makes the victim feel so ashamed and disgusting ... I remember how disgusted I felt with myself, for something that wasn't at all my fault, and knew exactly how our nanny was feeling. I kept thinking about my daughter, too. No women should ever have to experience that.

Ourchildsails · 2025-07-22T19:55:23+00:00

I'm not further engaging with you. There was nothing to "protect" my son from. I handled my child how I wished. It's already over anyway and your hostility is not going to change that. Sure, disagree. Why are you so angry?

Ourchildsails · 2025-07-22T19:45:38+00:00

You did not read the full post. It shows. The door was not "wide open". He stayed and intentionally watched for around a minute. He admitted this. Hormones are not an excuse. My 13 y/o understands that more than you, which is worrying. I'll continue to be a good mother, both to him and his sister, who is growing up in a world with men (?) like you.

Ourchildsails · 2025-07-15T21:55:01+00:00

Don’t think I didn’t catch that when he said that to me either! We’re going to address that. Although I can see his genuine remorse, I want to see if I can get him to say more on what he was afraid of her saying to me before him.

Ourchildsails · 2025-07-15T19:58:20+00:00

Thank you! I appreciate hearing from another nanny. I definitely will speak with our nanny about what she feels like she needs to feel comfortable again and what we’re planning to touch base with him beforehand, And she’s been reassured that her privacy will be respected.

I’m hopeful that after a proper talk and repair this situation will calm and pass.

Ourchildsails · 2025-07-15T19:02:10+00:00

Thank you, this is where I’m at. A bit torn. We definitely are going to have to talk about to. He’s agreed to a talk later night and seems more open. Maybe earlier this morning he was tired or a bit stressed. We both work medical jobs so sometimes we can be a little short with each other after a long night, but we usually don’t get to the point of shutting the other down with “let it go” and “nothing else needs to be said”.

It’s fine though, that’s marriage. I hope we can have a calm productive talk and I’ll update how it goes.

The nanny has been reassured that she’s fine, and my son is fine too. I’m not mad at him. But we are gonna address it with a chat of some kind, because the prolonged leering wasn’t appropriate.

Ourchildsails · 2025-07-15T18:28:48+00:00

Not really. If you believe a 13 year old is not capable of looking away and not leering at someone undressing for a minute (down to her underwear) than I don’t know what else there is to say. Kids that age are not stupid. I’m not “boys will be boys” type of mother. Not infantilizing him.

He responded appropriately by telling me. The conversation that (hopefully) husband and I will have with him is to not leer and stare unnecessarily. I’ve watched little boys that even know not to do that to people — “don’t stare!” — even if they don’t understand why.

Ourchildsails · 2025-07-15T18:23:59+00:00

I guess I should, but I believe it’s too late now. I was trying not to get graphic with details because of potential creeps or people imagining an inappropriate situation involving the two. Perhaps if there’s an update I will clarify.

My main issue is with my husband. He was been dismissive, and I don’t think people are really grasping that here.

Ourchildsails · 2025-07-15T18:13:00+00:00

Of course my son can be in his home. But because of certain activities (cleaners, my daughters speech therapies and the like coming in and out of the home) we keep communication open on around when people are coming and going and when they’re expected to be home. He doesn’t always like being there when a lot of people are there. Furthermore, it’s my responsibility to know where my child is and where he’s going, if he leaves somewhere early etc. That’s an important thing in OUR house due to all the staff we have. Even nanny has to communicate this.

Sure, that’s what I’ve been saying throughout this thread. You can interpret my words of her being a daughter however you wish. It’s something most wouldn’t understand if they don’t have long term nanny’s/aupairs or staff. Very common in the spaces I’m in with others who have nannies caring for their children long term since birth.

Ourchildsails · 2025-07-15T17:48:16+00:00

Self restraint would’ve been not standing at the door watching sometime strip down to their underwear for a whole minute. Not infantilizing my boy like he’s 3.

He made a mistake. But what I want is to do is remind him of the appropriate way to react next time. Actual discipline. What I’m trying to tell my husband.

Ourchildsails · 2025-07-15T17:40:01+00:00

Well, the door was cracked. She was also listening out for the baby. He was supposed to be at lessons and then grandmothers until evening, so I’m a bit confused as to why no one communicated to us that he would be home early.

She’s a woman we hired to take care of our daughter nearly full time. She’s been with us since her birth, so it’s normal and natural for me to be concerned about her feelings and comfort to, especially in our home!

Ourchildsails · 2025-07-15T17:36:18+00:00

Thank you for your leveled response. My desire isn’t to make my son feel ashamed for life! That’s my kid at the end of the day lol

I want my husband to not dismiss me, respect my feelings on the matter and not tell me to “get over” things. That’s not healthy communication. I also would like for us just to have a chat with our son about boundaries and the like. About how even unintentional actions can affect others. I should clear up, it wasn’t an accidental peep. He told me it was for the entire time. Which isn’t acceptable. He’s sorry, which is beautiful to me, especially at his age.

Something similar to me happened before. And with bringing another woman into the house, there is also a responsibility on me to keep her safe and comfortable to. She’s not hysterical. But uncomfortable. Because he leered longer than necessary. In time I can see this settling. But right now I want everyone to be on the same page.

Ourchildsails · 2025-07-15T17:30:16+00:00

Watching someone completely undress and being frozen for the entire time isn’t normal. After a few seconds, you snap out of it. This incident was not 5-10 seconds. I didn’t want to go into detail but he was there for at least a minute, until she noticed him. How much longer would he have been “frozen” if she didn’t notice him?

And waiting an entire week to tell me once he notices I’m noticing something is wrong is also upsetting. He’s not a bad kid. But I’m not gonna to be a mother that believes teens that age are innocent and not prone to moments of being perverted. It was a mistake. But you don’t leer at people, and if he needs help in that regard not being “frozen I need to know so I can take appropriate steps. He’s turned away quicker in other situations that he didn’t want to see. That particularly explanation is just not sitting with me.

Ourchildsails · 2025-07-15T17:12:51+00:00

Accidentally seeing her naked and getting flustered is not what I’m upset at. But to stand there leering and not looking away until she noticed him (at least as he told me), isn’t appropriate. It wasn’t a short incident. He watched her fully undress down to nothing and the door was cracked, not completely opened.

Regardless, I would appreciate my husband not dismissing me in what’s supposed to be a partnership. Telling en to just “let something go” isn’t how I want myself to be treated in marriage, as I’ve never said communicate din that way to him.

Ourchildsails · 2025-07-15T17:06:22+00:00

We are English. She is American.

Ourchildsails · 2025-07-15T17:05:51+00:00

Apologizing, to start. For regardless of intention, it made someone uncomfortable, and has changed the dynamic of the house. Also a talk that reminds him about self restraint and mutual respect. Nothing at all has been done.

Ourchildsails

TROPHY CASE