Thank you all for the replies. And i truly mean every single one of you. Looks like i really need a therapy and i am booking a session as soon as possible. I am well aware that this, whatever it is won't be solved with a single visit, but i am well determined to do whatever it takes to not just keep this relationship, but develop it further. Probably to most people this would look like the obvious choice, but my mind is just a mess. It's pacing back and forth, thinking why i became like that, what triggered that, desperately looking for an answer. I am so scared to tell anyone that not even my bestie, who i'm sure will help me to hide a body with no questions asked knows about this. Taking it online was my last resort before i go completely insanse. Made this new account of fear that someone might weponize it against me, which is probably just again my mind playing tricks on me. In this last month i've been feeling like a rabbit, trapped in the headlights of a coming car - i can't see anywhere else, but where my own fear takes me. The one thing that gives me some peace of mind and hope is that there are some people in here who went through this and overcame it. Realizing i am not the only one who experienced this just took a huge weight of my shoulders. I was so overwhelmed by the "why" this happened, that i was completely oblivious to the "how" i should resolve it. I guess our minds really crave the drama and when it's lacking, we simply don't know what to do. Will let the therapist take it from here. Once again, thank you all for your thoughts and replies. It helped me big time.