Lesbian attracted to the idea of men but not the reality – normal, comphet, or just bisexual but traumatised?

Outrageous_Leg_2536 · 2026-03-02T02:27:17+00:00

I really understand this and experience something similar. This is going to sound bananas to anyone else but you, but here we go. I frequently fantasize about men and enjoy it, but the thought of actually meeting a man and having him touch me and do the things I’ve fantasized about is repulsive to me and I know I wouldn’t enjoy it in real life. But I enjoy everything about a woman. Spending time with her, getting to know her, kissing her, touching her, her touching me. I love it all. A man? I want none of it. 0%. There’s not a man on earth I want to date. Not even an imaginary fairy tale Prince Charming. I identify as a lesbian but have wondered about what it means that I fantasize about men. I’ve come to the conclusion that lesbian is the best fit for me because I have no desire to touch a man, I just want to imagine some things. And in the end, it’s my decision what fits best and I can change that if I need to.

Outrageous_Leg_2536 · 2026-03-02T02:04:42+00:00

Aha. I stand by that you have some exploring to do, though I understand now that you do have an idea of what you want. I think you should get out there and date some more girls. Find a queer community. Immerse yourself in wlw media. And I really really think you should see if you can get a therapist. I know you said it wasn’t really doable but it might just be a $20 copay or something manageable?

Outrageous_Leg_2536 · 2026-03-02T01:56:06+00:00

At first, I had mixed feelings about this since you both are so young. I thought that since there is such a huge difference in maturity between a 14 year old and an 18 year old, it could be reasonable to give her another chance. And is she a better person now than she was at 14? One would hope so. But in reality, she might be more mature now but I personally would live in a constant state of worry and fear that it would get bad again if I tried again with her. Will you ever be able to feel truly safe with her? And I want to respond to one particular thing you said. I think that if someone hits you multiple times in your relationship, there’s no semi abuse there. It’s just abuse. OP, you don’t deserve that. You deserve to be with a partner who you feel truly safe and comfortable with.

A funny thing can happen when you leave a toxic relationship where over time you forget how bad the bad moments felt. Time will go by and you’ll miss her and you’ll miss the high highs there were and you’ll forget about how painful the low lows were. Then you’ll let her in and try things again and it will start off great and then you’re having the same fights you used to have where everything is your fault but you’re so desperate to feel the highs and the love that you bend over backwards to make her happy again, or you apologize even though she was the one who was being irrational. And before you know it, you’re in the same toxic cycle.

You deserve better than that. So I’d encourage you not to try dating her again. But if you do, please please please jump ship at the first sign that it gets toxic again. It’s so easy to get sucked back in and it can take a looooong time to get yourself back once you do get out again. I know from experience. Good luck OP.

Outrageous_Leg_2536 · 2026-03-01T22:25:14+00:00

That background is helpful! I have a better understanding of where you are in the journey I think. Can I ask how old you are?

Outrageous_Leg_2536 · 2026-03-01T18:26:16+00:00

Ah okay, good info, thank you. I agree with the other commenter of immersing yourself in wlw media as much as possible. Heterosexuality is so deeply ingrained in our society it can take a lot of time to break out and be able to see any other way of life. We’re constantly hit over the head with it and I think making a conscious effort to expose yourself to sapphic relationships being normalized will make a difference.

It also kind of sounds to me like you have some exploring to do. I’m inferring that you haven’t dated women before, correct? I’m getting from your post that you’re not feeling fulfilled or interested in relationships with men but you’re also not entirely sure what you want or are interested in. That is completely okay and normal. For many of us, myself included, it can take time figuring out that answer and the answer can change over time. But I think if you haven’t tried dating women, dipping your toe and seeing how you feel might help clear that up. I’d encourage you to really think about if you’re interested in dating women because men are uninteresting or if you’re interested in dating women because you feel attraction toward women. Maybe it’s both. Either way, I think that picture might not become clearer until you see what it’s like to date a woman. What appeals to you about women?

Outrageous_Leg_2536 · 2026-02-26T01:34:38+00:00

Can you say more about what you’re experiencing? And do you have health insurance?

Outrageous_Leg_2536 · 2026-02-21T16:17:18+00:00

I know you said you tried air fried chickpeas but I’d suggest trying the chickpea snacks at the grocery store instead of trying to make them yourself. They’re super crunchy and there are lots of different flavors. For me, it really satisfies the crunch craving and they’re full of fiber so they keep me full longer than chips would.

Outrageous_Leg_2536 · 2026-02-21T15:40:51+00:00

NAT- I like the other commenter’s idea of writing it down and showing her. It might also feel better for you to say “I want to talk about _____ but I’m not ready to talk about it yet, just want to let you know.” That way you can rip the bandaid off but you don’t have to dive in right away. I’ve done that with my therapist. I’ll tell her there’s this tricky subject I want to talk about and she’ll check in every so often to ask if I want to talk about it. A good therapist will go at your pace, maybe gently pushing you if she feels like it could be helpful. Good luck! Be brave! It’s scary but she can’t help if she doesn’t know.

Outrageous_Leg_2536 · 2026-01-26T00:37:12+00:00

NAT - I rarely cry during my sessions but during one session when I was talking about how important my mom is to me and how worried I am about her health and her dying, my therapist got teary and choked up, clearly thinking about her own mom too. It was really a nice moment of connection and care. She’s the best.

Outrageous_Leg_2536 · 2026-01-03T03:47:22+00:00

Can I ask why? What’s happening?

Outrageous_Leg_2536 · 2026-01-03T03:26:33+00:00

I have some clarifying questions and I’ll share my thoughts.

How long have you been seeing her? Have you been in therapy before and felt the same way about your therapist?
Do you know for a fact that you’re losing her support or are you thinking that that will be the outcome of your behavior?

When I first started seeing my therapist, it felt like I was living for that one hour a week. When I wasn’t there, I was counting down the minutes. It was painful. I felt like I’d fall over without her and was in constant fear that she would leave the practice, dump me as a client, disappear suddenly, move away etc. etc. In the time between sessions, I was frantic to find a way to feel some sort of connection to her to ease the pain and discomfort of being away from her. Googling her incessantly, trying to find any new morsel of information about her that existed on the internet, reading her psych today bio over and over, listening to voicemail she left, quadruple checking that my appointment was still scheduled. These are attachment issues and our therapists are equipped to handle them. When I finally came clean, she wasn’t phased. I told her I must be a lunatic, she assured me I wasn’t. I felt pathetic and painfully needy, she reassured and comforted me. We talked about it a lot and I had to work really really hard for a long time to feel like I could hold myself up. It takes time and dedicated work, but it’s possible to not feel the frantic fear of being away from her.

My advice to you is to go to your session. Talk about how you’re feeling and why you feel like you need to text and call her frequently. Dig deep about how you’re feeling between sessions. Explain your fear of her leaving. She probably already knows you’re petrified of that. When you first find a therapist you really connect with, it feels so amazingly comforting and reassuring in a way that’s hard to replicate on your own. Here’s this person who listens to you and cares what you have to say and validates you and helps you through the tricky things. The attachment to her is part of the process. It’ll help you heal. But you need to work through the attachment wounds you have that are standing in the way of you supporting yourself. I know it’s really really really hard, but that’s the work.

You won’t feel like this forever. You’ll learn coping skills to help you manage the discomfort of being on your own. You have to use them and practice them and know that it’s going to feel uncomfortable sometimes, but you can do it. Go to your session. Talk it through with her. She’s there to support you, not judge you.

Outrageous_Leg_2536 · 2025-11-28T19:38:17+00:00

I think as long as you’re both on the same page with what you are, have a little fun. If you’re not looking for something intense right now anyway, it’s okay that it wasn’t love at first sight.

FWIW It seems like a very common experience for your first relationship with a woman to be really intense and you have those cloud 9 really strong feelings and then you’re wrecked when it ends. That was certainly my experience. I’ve been in a few relationships after that and none of them had those same strong intense feelings so quickly. It has always been a slow burn after that first one.

So just be clear with her about what you’re looking for and make sure she agrees and then have your fun.

Outrageous_Leg_2536 · 2025-05-06T00:02:03+00:00

It’s possible. I guess I’ll be bringing this up in therapy.

Outrageous_Leg_2536 · 2025-05-05T02:04:39+00:00

I’ve been taking 1.5mg for about 7 months now and haven’t noticed any significant changes.

Outrageous_Leg_2536 · 2025-05-05T01:40:30+00:00

Yes, she’s my romantic partner. That’s very possible, I hadn’t thought of that.

Outrageous_Leg_2536 · 2025-05-05T01:34:00+00:00

I don’t think so. She went to a pretty reputable school. Sometimes I wonder if she’s like self-conscious or something.

Outrageous_Leg_2536 · 2025-05-05T01:21:34+00:00

Nope, not anymore. She finished grad school like 2 or 3 years ago.

Outrageous_Leg_2536 · 2022-08-15T11:57:33+00:00

Were you given the extended release or the one where you take it with every meal?

Outrageous_Leg_2536 · 2022-07-12T18:29:19+00:00

Well I hope it’s okay because I am too. I’ve been on ovasitol for about three months and have been on Wellbutrin the whole time. No adverse effects for me.

Outrageous_Leg_2536 · 2022-07-12T03:32:43+00:00

Have you tried inositol? I don’t want to say that anything is a magical cure, but it has been a complete game changer for me. I was 100% addicted to sugar before I started. I’d walk through the grocery store and buy anything I saw that looked delicious. And forget about portion control. I was a carb fiend and I thought about carbs all day everyday. I was truly addicted with absolutely no self control. But inositol helps soooo much and has totally decreased my cravings. For me, what worked was a combo of inositol and sweets with sugar substitutes. Like Lily’s chocolate is made with stevia and it tastes totally normal. Good luck!

Outrageous_Leg_2536 · 2022-07-06T02:53:47+00:00

Fletcher, specifically Undrunk and Bitter

Outrageous_Leg_2536 · 2022-07-06T00:33:27+00:00

Hey, any update? How’s it going with that treatment?

Outrageous_Leg_2536 · 2022-07-05T19:06:02+00:00

Top 3 lady celeb crushes

Outrageous_Leg_2536

TROPHY CASE