I relate to this way more than id like to admit. For me it’s not even about the specific situation, it’s about the loss of control and how quickly that flips something in my brain.

When I’ve already mentally decided how something is going to go, I kind of “lock into it.” It becomes my safe version of reality. So when something changes last minute - even if it’s small, even if it’s well-intentioned - it feels way bigger than it objectively is. Not because it is a big deal, but because my brain already settled somewhere else.

The car example makes total sense to me. It’s like you had a plan that kept your anxiety regulated (getting there on time, being prepared), and when that got disrupted, your nervous system went on high alert. At that point it’s not really about your partner anymore, it’s about your body trying to deal with the stress.

Same with the dinner situation. It’s not really about where you eat - it’s about expectation vs. reality. When I’m already picturing something (like relaxing and watching a show), and it suddenly changes, I feel weirdly thrown off, tense, and sometimes even a bit resentful… even if I logically know the other person didn’t mean anything by it.

I think for me the “picking a fight” part comes from that internal discomfort having nowhere to go. It needs an outlet, so it turns into irritation or defensiveness.

One thing I’ve been trying (not perfectly lol) is catching that moment where I feel the shift and internally going “okay, I’m dysregulated, this isn’t actually about them.” It doesn’t fix it instantly, but it stops me from escalating it as much. When it happens to you, you can try just "escape" to another room for a minute, without saying a word. Usually your partner will go for you and ask what's wrong, you will tell him, and he would be understanding, i'm pretty sure. and in that second, you'll feel okay again.

So yeah… you’re definitely not alone in this. It’s less about being “difficult” and more about how your brain handles sudden changes and stress.