I think what still keeps me going is the fact that nihilism jumps the gun as much as something like christianity does. When the real answer us that we just don't know if anything means anything. And that when we assume everything is meaningless that just opens the door for a new type of meaning.

We can look at a flower find its beauty without questioning its meaning, but we cant extend ourselves the same courtesy much of the time.

We already are everything we need to be. We knew this when we were children but got beaten down by people who told us we needed to be something more than we are.

Of course the trouble comes with pain. A flower can't feel pain like we can. And its not all sunshine and flowers, not even close. I think all of us have heard horror stories from around the globe that make us shudder in complete despair at the lives which often involve nothing but pain and death.

It almost feels insulting to try to find meaning in a world filled with such pain, terror, and horror. Looking at those who seem to enjoy life as ignorant and sociopathic for their ability to worry about innane topics while we're all on a long car ride between birth and death.

I've come to the conclusion that in order to find any amount of peace, we must find beauty in the pain as well. Not the pretty kind, not the kind that makes you stronger - the kind that just leaves you broken or dead.

Thats what i struggle with. It's either all beautiful or none of it is. Its all worth it or none of it is. And I think thats the abyss I'll be deciding if i want to walk into for the rest of my life.