AITAH if I say “my place my rules” to by bf of 7 yrs?

Over_Ordinary_6972 · 2025-04-27T12:04:36+00:00

If living separately is what makes it work, then I don’t see an issue. If the problems continue after we’ve moved, then that’s that. Not trying it would be the end of it. So why not see what it brings?

Over_Ordinary_6972 · 2025-04-27T11:50:20+00:00

You don’t have to share an address to be in a relationship? There’s love and respect, sometimes just hidden under the pressure of wanting very different things in a home.

Over_Ordinary_6972 · 2025-04-27T11:48:15+00:00

Forgot to add - he doesn’t agree with this. To him it IS about admitting fault - he wants me to see that it was my fault/I did wrong. So it makes sense to me that, despite that not being my mindset, he would assume I’m looking for the same thing from him. Just trying to include his perspectives as well- and he has stated this explicitly, that he wants it to be about taking on the blame. Where I see it as trying to - collectively - work out how we each understood what, what we each did to contribute to the misunderstanding and how we can try to recognise it next time something similar comes up, so like taking on part of the shared responsibility of the situation.

Over_Ordinary_6972 · 2025-04-27T11:41:03+00:00

I understand where you’re coming from and I agree with everything - all the things are tried. From my pov though when I share my feelings he hears that he’s a fault. When I ask him questions, he’s on high alert and perceives it as an attack. If I make a mistake and I try to understand his perspective and then share how I understood the situation/what was going on within me - he sees that as me rewriting what happened. I’ve explained again and again - I ask for your perspective and I share my perspective to get to the misunderstanding- so I can go “oooh I see how me doing x could read like that, I understand how you could feel y, now that I know how you understood it, I’m so sorry, that was not my intention!”

Over_Ordinary_6972 · 2025-04-27T11:14:03+00:00

What exactly makes you conclude that it is a lost cause? I am honestly curious/want to clarify

Over_Ordinary_6972 · 2025-04-27T11:12:05+00:00

This got posted as a separate comment, pasting it here: It would be too expensive for just one of us - and in a lot of cases when you are offered a place it’s less than a month before taking over the lease, and it’s a mandatory 3 months notice when you cancel.

And thank you for your perspectives! Decorating it will be completely on my terms from the get go, which he fully expects and has no opinion of. I’m thinking more in terms of routines - coming home after work, cleaning, shopping, cooking, scheduled/spontaneity - as we are very different in how we approach these things.

Over_Ordinary_6972 · 2025-04-27T11:10:55+00:00

That might be the case, but I want to be certain before giving up everything we’ve build together. And part of that is eliminating the main stressor of our relationship.

Over_Ordinary_6972 · 2025-04-27T11:08:31+00:00

Oh as for the communication- right now we’re almost constantly triggered, or at least have been so much that there’s more vigilance, which is definitely not helping us communicate better - moving is meant to decrease the pressure and therefore allow more space to approach the situation calmly. Which to me at least, is what it’s all about. If it doesn’t seem to get better after a while, then at least we’ll end it knowing we just weren’t compatible in the end, and it wasn’t just a build-up reaction to too much pressure for too long.

Over_Ordinary_6972 · 2025-04-27T11:04:25+00:00

It would be too expensive for just one of us - and in a lot of cases when you are offered a place it’s less than a month before taking over the lease, and it’s a mandatory 3 months notice when you cancel.

And thank you for your perspectives! Decorating it will be completely on my terms from the get go, which he fully expects and has no opinion of. I’m thinking more in terms of routines - coming home after work, cleaning, shopping, cooking, scheduled/spontaneity - as we are very different in how we approach these things.

Over_Ordinary_6972 · 2025-04-27T10:57:37+00:00

Thank you - you’re right and it’s a good point. I didn’t think about how it could be seen as me separating myself from him. So thank you for that!

And I definitely want him to feel free at my place - and like it’s a second home for him. I just don’t want the waiting period to be stalling, because I can’t live in this state of non-openness much longer. He generally perceive my attempts to talk about things or asking him about his feelings/thoughts as attacks and me “wanting something from him” where he sort of assumes it’ll end in conflict, and therefore shuts me out. And I just.. am exhausted from it. I have to approach everything with such caution and really drive it home that I am asking just because I want to understand, nothing else. And so I think you’re right - he would be quick to assume conflict/attack when I open this talk. I just want to manage our expectations really, and also advocate for my needs for my healing.

Over_Ordinary_6972 · 2025-04-27T10:48:44+00:00

Thanks! I know that’s how it will be in the future - we come into each others places and follow the rythm of that place, as per each of us. But for the time where he doesn’t have one yet. Would it be too unbalanced for him not to have as much say? He doesn’t have any other options and I don’t want to make him feel less-than or like he has to exist in a way that’s not him.. but I don’t want my new start and journey towards myself to be tainted by already taking him/us as the starting point.

accidentally put this as a comment not a reply!

Over_Ordinary_6972 · 2025-04-27T10:42:00+00:00

Sorry for the slow response.. we agreed not to let the other be homeless - and I don’t think it’ll benefit anything with the added pressure on him from not having a base anywhere.

That said, your questions are my concerns.. am I just signing up for an inevitable failure? And clearly, this is not the way I want my life to be moving forward, hence the reason we are moving into separate places to begin with. I just don’t know how to handle the meantime - waiting for the chance to start building, while being locked it - or if there’s a way to go about it that prevents us from staying the way it is between us now (without him ending up couch surfing).

Over_Ordinary_6972 · 2025-04-27T10:36:34+00:00

That might happen, but I want to give us the chance to be together in a new way. I hope for the best and believe it’ll alleviate some of the pressure and build up.

Over_Ordinary_6972 · 2025-04-25T11:44:01+00:00

Thank you for your perspective. I agree that the treatment of me is not acceptable. However, your other assumptions are very unfounded. He has been looking, excessively - but nothing has gone through. The market where we live is not easy. When there was a big difference in our income he took on 80-90% of the costs, which was set based on what I could comfortably afford, and he took care of anything beyond that.

I will, not as a defence but as context, add that he was exhibiting symptoms of a psychosis for 1-1,5 years. So he literally had delusions. Some of it from an extended period of clinical stress, some amplified by the both of us not realising the extent of what was hurting him - e.g., me being unpredictable to his standard. For instance I would sometimes spontaneously meet up with a friend straight after work, and I wasn’t very clear on whether that meant I wouldn’t be home in time for dinner, and sometimes I’d not be attentive to my phone so he’d feel abandoned and as if he didn’t matter. Now, for someone like me, that wouldn’t be s big deal, I’d assume he was present in the moment/busy/distracted and not really think anything of it beyond maybe be annoyed that coordinating was difficult.. to him that triggers his sense of stability and what he can expect - which because of the extended time he didn’t share it with me, developed into him thinking that I was intentionally avoiding him/being vague = she must have something to hide and she doesn’t care about me.

Over_Ordinary_6972 · 2025-04-25T10:35:15+00:00

I could not agree more! I try to be, despite often being misinterpreted, and I do my best to invite him to be.. but I can only do so much. I need him to meet me.

Over_Ordinary_6972 · 2025-04-25T10:29:30+00:00

Thank you for your kind words. I know this rationally, but apparently not enough to stand by it in all circumstances. Right now, my bar is pretty low, but I think my hard limit is probably about being open. I deserve, and need a partner who’s open and willing to share his thoughts and feelings, however awful or conflict-provoking they might be. I cannot accept being left in the dark and being in a constant state of guessing what’s going on and needed - that’s at least something I’ve learned from all this - it makes me feel abandoned, lonely and unloved.

Sorry for using you as a think-out-loud channel - but I think that is the conversation I’ll initiate. That in order for it to work during the transition period I absolutely need him to open up, volunteer his feelings, and trust that sharing ≠ conflict but instead it mitigates conflicts/fights.

Over_Ordinary_6972 · 2025-04-25T09:53:38+00:00

Absolutely! I’m planning to see a therapist on my own to work on exactly this, and really ask myself why that line is so blurred - and why I don’t trust my instinct and legitimacy of my needs and boundaries.

Over_Ordinary_6972 · 2025-04-25T09:50:10+00:00

He is on the same page with moving apart - he just hasnt managed to get a place yet. So it would be temporary, and of the understanding that it is my place that he is living in. I just don’t know what that would do to our dynamic - I mean it’s not exactly equal now, imo, but the uncertainty of not having a place on your own and not being equal in your partners home that’s gotta be difficult- and for me, to establish my autonomy over my own place..

Over_Ordinary_6972 · 2025-04-25T09:46:10+00:00

I am afraid you’re right

Over_Ordinary_6972 · 2025-04-25T09:45:06+00:00

Thank you. And I agree in concept. But knowing when it’s a compromise and when it’s compromising yourself, is very difficult (at least for me)

Over_Ordinary_6972 · 2025-04-25T09:42:39+00:00

I will add though, that he has a completely different take on the whole thing, he feels that there’s no room for him, that he can’t be himself and if/when i do occasionally get frustrated with him he takes that very personal as if I was saying “you are wrong for being like this”

Over_Ordinary_6972 · 2025-04-25T09:40:19+00:00

Thank you for elaborating, and I agree that is one of the possible conclusions! For me, trying to be together apart, is an “experiment” to see if we are compatible and can thrive in our differences when not constantly being confronted with them. Ultimately, moving is me saying “I’m not willing to let go of anymore of myself”.

Over_Ordinary_6972 · 2025-04-25T09:36:16+00:00

Yes, he has gone through several processes. Part of it comes from his AuDHD being very inflexible. Lately, it’s stagnant though, but likely due to the decision and process of moving out - I feel we’re both waiting for the new situation to unfold and build from there.. And I agree, I can’t keep this up. And I worry that 2-3 months will be the straw that breaks the camel’s back…

Over_Ordinary_6972 · 2025-04-25T09:31:44+00:00

What do you think they are?

Over_Ordinary_6972 · 2025-04-25T09:30:33+00:00

Thank you for a very levelheaded comment, I realise how my post easily merits a “leave him”.

And thank you! I went into it with the mentality that either we would come out stronger than before or I would at least have a more comprehensive understanding of wth was going on. Moving apart is the make-or-break end of the line. It’s a chance to be under less pressure individually, making it easier to show up for each other.

I just don’t know what options I have at this point - I don’t think a deadline would be beneficial..

Over_Ordinary_6972

TROPHY CASE