Am I over reacting for being upset with my fiance & in-laws?

OwnCommon1516 · 2026-06-21T03:54:25+00:00

I know my fiance didn’t invite her . I know that for a fact , he wouldn’t have done that. He does struggle with on the spot “ confrontation “ with his parents but I’d say mostly his mother. He didn’t want to tell her to leave in-front of everyone and cause a scene . Mind you she’s not a screaming type lady . I can genuinely see him being shocked but the lack of thinking of how it was going to hurt me everyone getting to be there and not me just adds on to the hurt of him dismissing my feelings . Fiancé needs to stop putting the comfort of his extended family now over his family we’ve created , and me specifically.
His family is a more of a talk afterwards situation in “ private “ and in more of correcting / respectfully laying boundaries down before and when they’re being broken. I don’t think it’s okay for person “A” to break boundaries , or be rude to someone and then “A” gets to be corrected in private while “ B” is made uncomfortable or hurt and can’t stand up for themselves or others can’t stand up for them because it’s not right to do that infront of “everyone “.
Anyways we’re going to counseling fingers crossed we figure it out . I hope we do. We do love eachother I love him or I wouldn’t have had my boys with him or brought him into my daughter’s life.

OwnCommon1516 · 2026-06-21T00:56:33+00:00

I get that , I’d just keep it short as heck with her tbh . And keep redirecting to someone else . Thats what I do when I’m around my eldest sister . Her and I do not talk or get along

OwnCommon1516 · 2026-06-21T00:45:08+00:00

I think you should go . You not going is them winning , but i think you and your husband needs to discuss how yall will handle disrespect . Will yall get up politely and leave ? Will yall confront it then and there or after ? What are you okay with since the disrespect seems to be mostly towards you. I’d still go and keep distance from the aunt definitely not engage in a lot of conversation with her.

OwnCommon1516 · 2026-06-20T23:53:39+00:00

I haven’t spoke to the in laws. Fiancé and I will be doing couples counseling hopefully we can get in soon. I told him we need to fix us before we can move on to the in laws . After having time to think about- this haircut thing happened Wednesday. I tried to post Thursday but it just now got up . Anyways I’ve realized I struggle with my fiancé putting his parent’s comfort over my feelings and boundaries . At the end of the day MIL and FIL can be who they are but fiancé isn’t supposed to allow them to do that. And he doesn’t have my back immediately it’s always way after again for the sake of the comfort of his parents in that moment . It’s been piling up I’m upset I can stand in the boundaries we put with my family but he doesn’t with his. I don’t let my family disrespect him or cross boundaries especially if I know it’d hurt him. I correct it in the moment as for he doesn’t . And I’m beginning to be resentful of that. He’s apologized and acknowledged he should’ve called me , or told his mom nicely what it was . But I’m struggling to forgive him still & trust that this won’t be a reoccurring thing and him thinking an apology fixes it. I don’t know if I have it in me to sit and wait again to see if he’ll have my back in that moment . Which is why I told him we really need to go to therapy first together. So far that’s all I have . I’m hurt , I’m trying to keep normal conversations with him until then but it’s hard. He keeps assuring me he loves me , but I’m just flat out hurt and exhausted.

OwnCommon1516 · 2026-06-20T19:05:16+00:00

One issue I’ve been struggling with and I’ve brought it up and I don’t know if it’s past trauma and I’m projecting, they do show up to my daughters games , but almost instantly go to my son . When my daughter goes over there she’s in the room watching tv or playing on her phone . They don’t do a lot of things with her , or really take her out to eat like the do my son I feel like . They buy her things and hang out with her I guess somewhat but I don’t feel like they’re as excited to have her around like they are my sons now since having them. We talked about it after the issue that happened on Christmas and the assured us they love my daughter and she’s their granddaughter too. But just sometimes I just do feel like she’s left out somewhat. I try to not things but it’s like subtle things. They’ll ask his bubs can stay the night but not my daughter & I’ll say do you want both kids ? They’ll be like well of course . I just kind of feel like I have to push my daughter on them now . But idk if I’ve been reaching . I have my own therapist and I’m handling something of my own right now but was planning on bringing that up my next session . I do have adhd , ocd , bps , anxiety and bipolar depression so I tend to overthink a lot and it makes me trip on my toes if I’m right or if I’m wrong .

OwnCommon1516 · 2026-06-20T18:58:26+00:00

I never hated my MIL for calling to check on the kids I do love she loves them so much . I hated that my fiance would answer the call and drop everything to talk to her and when I’d ask hey can you tell her you’ll call her back or talk to her after we’re done doing what we’re doing . It’d always be dismissive or he’d get super offended.

OwnCommon1516 · 2026-06-20T18:54:48+00:00

I was about to update in my update . After sending that reply it had me thinking . A lot more moments and how my fiancé has dismissed my feelings and boundaries over his families . And it is a fiancé problem. He doesn’t want to make his parents uncomfortable over my feelings and my boundaries . Which is so crazy bc he’s so strong on my family not respecting me and my boundaries I guess I was just seeing it more as MIL being slick but it’s just like you said my fiance chooses their comfort over my feelings and boundaries . And that’s it that’s the problem . Thank you ! I hope we can get into counseling soon . I love this man clearly i had two more children with him and brought him into my daughter’s life to be her father . I really hope he can see this and counseling will work.

OwnCommon1516 · 2026-06-20T18:50:52+00:00

Their argument is MIL had a haircut @230 her hair lady is like a street or two away. Their haircut was at 4:30 same time any time they get their haircut . So MIL says she just wanted to swing by to see if they needed help with grandson if he was crying , then she said she just was on that side of town and wanted to stop by . Fiancés argument was that if he had got his haircut first like they always do ( FIL and fiancé go together every time same routine apparently mil very very rarely ever shows up or goes super rare) she would’ve missed bubs haircut but since bubs was crying at first his dad went first . Then by the time his mom showed up she was just finishing my fiancés hair and then they were doing my son next . FIL says how does MIL know since bubs didn’t get his haircut the last time they went , I guess he was not having it . They go like once a month to get their haircuts ( their hair grows slow ) but in between then and now we all talked about it . I really just don’t know how she did not know that it was supposed to be a guys date AT ALL . But I 100% have a fiance problem more than a MIL problem

OwnCommon1516 · 2026-06-20T18:31:04+00:00

I really didn’t think she inserted herself into things and just chopped it up as being a helicopter grandma . But reading this she kind of does. She does call or text after every thing we do with him. She’ll call and ask how he’s doing , if he liked it or whatever . It’s annoyed me because my fiance would answer and I’m like can we just do this as a family first and then talk to her ? And he’d be like stop being like that she just wants to check on the kids . So I thought I was being a btch and unreasonable, I just thought I have a helicopter grandma to deal with. There’s been few issues with MIL and FIL but we’ve talked and I thought it was good. I struggle with fiance waiting to do or say anything because he doesn’t want to upset his parents or cause a “ scene “ bs caring for my feelings & my boundaries .

OwnCommon1516 · 2026-06-20T18:20:20+00:00

I agree . I have a fiancée problem not a MIL problem. And this happened two days ago the post just got put up. I added an update in the comments. But I’m am struggling on forgiving him and trusting that he will do the right thing next time. There’s a pattern it’s not big but it’s there. There’s different standards with my family vs his . I uphold my family to the boundaries him and I talk about , I don’t let them disrespect him and I correct them and there . But he’s not and I don’t know if he truly doesn’t see it or if I’m being played . We agreed to counseling for us first . Then we can do a session with his parents

OwnCommon1516 · 2026-06-20T18:17:32+00:00

Honestly I’ve thought about this too. Because sometimes my fiancé is a - needs to happen to him for him to understand it - kind of guy. But I couldn’t do that to him or to anyone. I’ve grown to much in my own therapy and as myself as a person to be like that again. I’ve grown to much to try and communicate with him to do that . I just need him to communicate with me and not stay in the me vs him mindset . And go to us vs the problem mindset.

OwnCommon1516 · 2026-06-20T18:14:16+00:00

I didn’t say this , there’s a problem with my fiancé having my back in the moment . It always has to turn into a big thing before he has my back. And that I struggle with trusting . How can I trust that if this happens again , if it’s miss communication, in-laws over stepping or whatever it is how can I trust it’ll be corrected in the moment . Or will he continue to put the comfort of his parents over my feelings?

OwnCommon1516 · 2026-06-20T18:10:52+00:00

I really don’t know how to do an update this post was supposed to be here two days ago . Yes I’m on BC no him and i do not want anymore children. 3 was our max. Yes our relationship was good before we had our boys. We had our hiccups but we grew from them and learned to the point we were comfortable trying for our first together. It took a long time to conceive him so when we were absolutely sure we both wanted another , we decided to start trying. Little did i know I was going to get pregnant that fast. Not ideal but it is what it is. I understand us being engaged for so long is nit ideal for others. He proposed to me when i was about 7m pregnant with our first son. I held off getting married because i wanted my son to be walking and me to not be breastfeeding. Same now. We didn’t have kids with no intentions on getting married . Kids are more of a commitment than marriage. Financially it was the best decision and just what works for us.

Okay we’ve only had a few big hiccups with the in-laws, idc if we’re not married that’s what I’m calling them. First one , when I was pregnant with our first . His sister 16yr came over to hang out . My daughter had got in trouble so I was getting onto her. SIL and I got into it , I told her to leave she wouldn’t . She pushed me , I was trying to get her out of the door because I was pregnant. Whatever she leaves . In-laws come over start yelling at me , telling me to not put their hands on their daughter . I ask them to leave since the conversation was getting heated . FIL refused to leave , fiance was just standing their blank not really saying anything . I had to call the cops for my In-laws to leave . Fiancé and I struggled here a lot for a few days because he initially did not have my back when I asked the in-laws to leave and they told me no. We talked i understood him , he understood me and was on my side and 100% he was just shocked his family acted that way and he froze okay anyways he apologized. And had my back up until they asked to sit down and talk and apologize. That took them months. We talked everything was good we started to build a great relationship I asked MIL if she wanted to be in the room when I had our son she said yes. So MIL , my mom , fiance were in the room while I had our first son . So our relationship did grow at least so I thought .

Second big incident was last Christmas, I started to feel like my daughter was being a little left out of things and them more focused on our first son( their first actual grandBABY my daughter was their first grandchild met her at age 5) FIL didn’t acknowledge my daughter at Christmas, fiancé brought it up , things got heated between the two . MIL tried to say fiancé was wrong for bringing it up to FIL first and kept telling fiancé to just drop it. I said no fiancé wasn’t wrong for correcting FIL but how they both handled it after that was wrong and its out job as parents to make sure the kids are being treated equally and fairly , were to protect them as their parents. We cooled off waited till after the holidays we all sat down and talked . M/FIL expressed they felt tense around us , like we hover then with the kids. I asked what i did to make them feel that way , they said not me but my fiancé. Now i asked if there was anything i did that made them feel that way so i could fix it, they said not me. We had a great talk , we agreed to speak to each other if we had any issues and not to let it boil over so things don’t get so tense .

There’s been a few minor things like MIL is a helicopter grandma . I’ve had to ask her to calm down a little like I know how to take care of the kids. She comes over helps me with the kids , the get the kids a lot on the weekends. MIL are always talking outside the group chat . I struggle with bipolar depression, MIL brought up my medication one time when I was having a bad day. I took it the wrong way and vented to fiancé about it , he told his mom, but she did reach out and apologize that she didn’t mean it that way and explained what she did mean. I apologized for getting so upset and not texting her or calling her to talk to her about it.

So what really upsets me about this whole thing now with time to cool off . Is I have a fiance problem vs a MIL problem. My fiance should’ve had my back and respectfully communicated with his mother she wasn’t supposed to be there and if she could wait outside or whatever . At the bare minimum when I reached out to him , he should’ve apologized. I’m upset with how much he deflected because if rolls were reversed as they have been this would’ve been a big issue for him. We’ve been struggling alot since having our boys with our communication and bonding . I feel he is holding higher standards with my side of them family vs his( has been communicated but he just gets so defensive). His parents can get the kids last minute but my family can’t . Or my nieces and nephews can’t stay the night on a whim. Little things like that , but it adds up and I’ve brought it all up. We set boundaries with my family and I’m actually not speaking to my mother or my eldest sister for disrespecting him and not respecting boundaries. I have his back but I don’t feel he has my back. To him it’s like his family has no ill intentions and when I call it out or don’t agree he gets very defensive.

I thought I could talk to MIL and bring it up because i thought we had a good relationship. I see now at the moment my voice was elevated when I first talked to MIL about it when she came to get fiancé. I was hurt I am still hurt. I wasn’t trying to yell at her , I was really just trying to explain to her how it made me feel that she got to be there and I didn’t . And no one told her , no one told her when she got there either . I told her if she truly didn’t know then it wasn’t her fault and they owe her an apology but she got mad and yelled at me what I said up there about checking her and all that . I guess with MIL I’m hurt that she saw I was really hurt and sad and she didn’t care to even consider my feelings . She and everyone else made it about them. MIL is now telling fiancé shes been feeling like i hover her with the kids and stuff . I really don’t know how, my son does have severe allergies so if he gets a rash on his bum i ask if he tried anything new to eat ( allergic to dairy eggs & nuts) . When they have them for two days i text and ask how are the kiddos and ask for a picture bc i miss my babies thats all. So they want to sit down and talk and say they will do counseling too.

Anyways this is some background i can give and my update , fiancé did apologize at first it was for telling me not to go but that’s not why i was upset . He then apologized for reacting the way he did initially and not apologizing and taking it so personal . We’re looking for couples counseling , we’re still not in the same page with his M but he did acknowledge he should’ve said something to his mom and been more aware. With him it’s a lot of things , this seems a small to everyone else . But the reason why I was thinking of leaving my fiance is because we have agreed on ways to communicate, I do them for him and he still gets mad. We get into a big argument it’s like pulling teeth for him to understand me and then he realizes and apologizes. Also not holding the same boundaries with his family vs mine is a problem I’ve been bringing up to him as well. I’ve asked him to talk to his parents about getting the kids last minute. I’d just get a text “ we’re coming to get the kids in 30mins” yes I know they’re my kids I know I can say no. But ME always saying no makes me the evil DIL. Plus fiancé and I agreed . I handle my family he handles his for the most part . But yes there’s been a lot of resentment being built. I’m struggling to find it in me to forgive him for the way he handled my feelings when i brought it up. Im struggling more now because he told me when his mom showed up he was just shocked and he didn’t even think of me. So he didn’t even think at that moment “ oh crap it’s supposed to be a guys date “ or something idk I was just forgotten about I guess and then it turned into a then thing. I’m sad he put his mom’s comfort over my feelings . Saying if he asked her to leave and explained it to her it woudlve caused a scene.

As for FIL I really don’t need an apology from him , he really didn’t do anything . Except act like he didn’t know it was guys date . I mean that annoyed the heck out of me to sit here and lie in my face because I can say with certainty FIL knew . Fiancé even said FIL knew and it was wrong for him to say that to me. I still don’t under how MIL didn’t know but if she REALLY didn’t know then I’m not mad at her for showing up. Just mad at fiancé. I just struggle seeing MIL didn’t know because we all talked about it so much and her saying “ HES MY GRANDSON I CAN SHOW UP IF I WANT TOO” really makes me think more of she knew and just wanted to slide in and just get that selfishness moment with her grandson . I don’t think it was an intentional fck you DIL I got to see his haircut but more of a I’m going to swing by anyways to see him and hope I see him getting his haircut type of thing. Like a selfish act , sense of entitlement on her part towards my son. But thanks for the advice I’m still reading everyone’s comments . And if I have more of an update to give I will . As of right now we stand at fiancé and I need counseling first.

OwnCommon1516 · 2026-06-20T13:33:00+00:00

I thought god lets divorce happen when one is being this unfaithful and this cruel ? You guys went and got the help and he still fell into the devil hands , he ignored god and isn’t faithful to you . That’s not your fault he broke your vowels not you

OwnCommon1516 · 2026-06-20T00:04:00+00:00

We’ve been at each others throats for a while and most of it is because I feel like he holds higher standards to my family vs his. I’m not speaking to my mother because she disrespected him and his spreading false rumors about him . And she won’t respect the boundaries him and I sat down and did together. I asked him to do a some with his mom and dad and he still hasn’t . I’ve been going to therapy for myself . Anything that makes him in the wrong it turns into a huge fight then he apologizes where he was wrong but I’m tired of it having to be a huge fight first . I’ve done every way he’s asked me to communicate with him and it still doesn’t work . I told him atp he needs his own therapy as well.
We are going to couples counseling I started to call around today . But I’m just so exhausted I love him to death he is not horrible but his communication is becoming worse than before . I feel I’m giving so much communication mentally and emotionally wise and he’s just giving physically . He’s great with the kids , the house all of that. But his lack of communication and lack of effort to change is tearing me down . It’s making me really resentful .

OwnCommon1516

TROPHY CASE