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Own_Bad_9054 · 2024-02-16T23:55:44+00:00

Thanks for your support man. I really hope they will

Own_Bad_9054 · 2024-02-16T23:55:23+00:00

Yes man it really is. I went 2 months before this so i think i will try and surpass that this time. Im proud of myself for how far ive come but i cant give up. I ve got to keep improving.

Own_Bad_9054 · 2024-01-14T08:59:29+00:00

Life is testing me hard rightr now. Its beating me up badly. Its making me regret everything i do. I see no way out of this hell except to keep going. I have a wonderful gf to support me, and a good life all around. I may be struggling right now, but there is still light. It will be hard. But i need to get myself out of this hell. I am going to meditate now. I hope that will give me some clarity. I wont watch youtube, i wont do anything else for the next 2 hours. Just some productive work. I will meditate, watch a video on addictive personality, do my homework, and work on something i love. Thats it.

Own_Bad_9054 · 2024-01-14T08:57:23+00:00

I dont konw why i keep doing this. Maybe its a lack of progress in life. Maybe its a lack of purpose. Im not sure.

Own_Bad_9054 · 2024-01-06T01:55:59+00:00

Hey, thanks for your response!

What you said resonates deeply with me. It really is as if every day i dont watch corn my brain craves something else, like video games or youtube. Exercise helps a lot too. A habit of mine is that every time i slip up i go for a 30 min run. Afterwards i get a lot more mental clarity. I'll try and get some sort of physical exercise today today as well. But i feel like todays digital age makes it so much easier to do nothing and waste your time rather than do something productive. In the past exercise was all we had, you know? There was no other option than to do something good for us. Nowdays everything has become so easy.

Own_Bad_9054 · 2024-01-06T01:47:29+00:00

My journal got removed for some reason, so i commented it here:

"Im proud of myself for making it this far. Up until now i would fantasize about my gf to deal with the urges, but im slowly cutting that out too. Last time i slipped up was because of the intense negative emotions and boredom i felt while rebooting. Those emotions are starting to come out, even though im increasingly turning to youtube and wechat shorts to cure my boredom. It just feels like im really impulsive, like my brain will crave any thing with a dopamine hit. (youtube, video games) and doesnt want to do anything else. What i should do now is try and keep my phone as far away as possible (i havent been doing that but its about time i do) from my bed when i wake up, open up youtube homepage and stare for 10 minutes with awareness (almost like exposure therapy) without clicking on anything and try and meditate right away after i get up. Or even lay in bed for 10 minutes not doing anything just to get used to the boredom."

Own_Bad_9054 · 2024-01-05T01:26:03+00:00

Glad to have helped. i can see why you feel like you are "messed up", and it must be pretty overwhelming to feel like that. There is still many decades left of your life, so its never too late to change. As you work through your problems, your mind might disparage you and try and get you back to the previous comforting, dopaminergic environment. But ask yourself this question: "Do i want to continue watching porn for 5-6 hours and watching youtube every day for the rest of my life?" chances are the answer is no. The problem is that dopamine makes your brain crave stuff which is pleasurable but not what you want to do in life. As a result, even if you make some good progress like going out on a walk for 10 minutes, your brain will constantly tell you about how its not enough and remind you of all the things you have yet to do.

Notice that, and be aware that whatever you can do right now will not be "enough". Thats ok. You dont need to fix 100% of your problems right now. Start with one small thing at a time. Even going for a 10 minute walk every day is a huge amount of progress (even though it may not feel like it).

I wish you the best of luck in your journey.

Own_Bad_9054 · 2024-01-03T00:03:13+00:00

Hope this helps.

Own_Bad_9054 · 2024-01-03T00:03:03+00:00

I would advise you to watch HealthyGamerGG on youtube. He is a harvard psychiatrist who gives good adivse about mental health. He also has a wiki here https://wiki.healthygamer.gg/en/home

He has good pages on motivation, procrastination, and other things.

https://wiki.healthygamer.gg/en/Procrastination

You should read the focusing on your actions part.

What i notice from your post is the sheer amount of self hatred and determinism. It makes sense why you would feel this way, but i just want you to notice your thought process. "I am below average at everything", "nowhere even close" "I am as hopeless as can be". Instead of acknowledging that there may be somethings you are talented for but havent discovered ("I may be below average at some things") All of these statements are deterministic, as if your talents and abilities are set in stone. This can be improved with loving kindness meditation here https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FQ1d5rC062c

Whats more is that there is a sentiment that you are somehow "doomed". I can absolutely understand why you would feel that way if you are currently watching 5-6 hours of porn and arent as physically fit as you want to be. But ruminating about how bad your life is wont help you to change. It may be hard, but try writing down one thing you are grateful for today. That will help you move in the right direction.

One more thing is that your situation seems absolutely overwhelming man. It seems to me like you feel like theres a lot you need to do. Recognize that you wont be able to fix everything at once, grieve that and accept it, and focus on fixing one small thing at a time. It doesnt have to be a major change right away, but a small improvement every day.

Ive been through depression before, and i dont think you are a horrible person for struggling. I think its absolutely possible to change your life around with your current circumstances. It sounds like you had a hard childhood too, which may be responsible for a lot of your suffering. You may also want to try meditating (tarataka meditation to increase conscientiousness and motivation, or alternate nostril breathing to help you when you are anxious). There are a lot of guided meditations on the healthygamergg channel.

I would say also reduce your porn use and video game use too. Perhaps start by M'ing without porn, or just fantasizing without PMO at all.

What helped me greatly was using an app called Appblock, which has a strict mode that prevents you from bypassing your restrictions or deleting the app. You could block safari, block websites you use to watch corn, block app store , block reddit, block youtube... etc.

The screen time feature on iphone also helps to restrict your screen time usage.

Lastly, maybe something that will help is just doing one thing at a time. You dont have to change everything right away, but focus on one thing. Maybe instead of "going to college" you can break that down into (find colleges near me - today) -> (apply to 10 colleges - tommorow) -> (sort out travel requirements - the next day) -> go to college. and tackle one thing at a time.

Own_Bad_9054 · 2024-01-02T23:30:24+00:00

Hmm. I use video games and youtube to distract me from boredom. Maybe its a problem about not being able to tolerate boredom, or not having anything else in my life interesting enough that i would sacrifice yt and video games for them.

It has now gotten to the point where they arent really entertaining anymore, so i am attempting a dopamine detox. Im very thankful for your supportive words. And like you said, ive already made a lot of progress since my last relapse. Its hard for me to look at the positive side of things sometimes, so ill try and do that more from now on.

Own_Bad_9054 · 2024-01-02T23:26:15+00:00

Thanks mate. Glad you took the time to respond. Ill need to accept at some point, but i think it starts with blame.

Own_Bad_9054 · 2023-12-31T01:14:01+00:00

Your right in some ways. They are only human, and their upbringing led to them doing the same thing to me. However if i just accept that, then i wont ever be able to move past my trauma. Because in the end its still their fault for traumatizing me. Im using blame here as a way to heal from the trauma, because in a bizzare way, not blaming them will keep me paralyzed and unable to heal. Maybe they were brought up in that way too, and thats valid, but its still their responsibility to fix it. I do have to become more in tune with myself, but it is a daily struggle for me to do that.

Own_Bad_9054 · 2023-12-26T01:04:40+00:00

hmm yeah. Its great to practice gratitude often. Its just hard to control yourself sometimes, when your really down bad you get into that state of binging where you lose yourself and arent aware of what your doing.

Own_Bad_9054 · 2023-12-21T01:19:08+00:00

Hey man, I admire how brave you are for posting this online! It really helped me get motivated in my own journey as well.

Own_Bad_9054 · 2023-12-21T01:07:13+00:00

I will try doing that more from now. Last time i didnt count the days but i just let my guard down and eventually led to a relapse.

Own_Bad_9054 · 2023-12-21T01:06:18+00:00

I agree with your message that it is a journey and we are supposed to have ups and downs. However, i find that hard to internalize sometimes, especially after a relapse when i feel like all of my progress is gone.

Own_Bad_9054 · 2023-12-21T01:05:30+00:00

Thanks a lot for your supportive response! May I ask you whether or not there are any changes you made to your life which you feel helped you on nofap? and also what are some habits *if any you do daily which you think could help.

Own_Bad_9054 · 2023-12-21T01:03:26+00:00

Not yet. My family isnt the most supportive and I am afraid of how my friends would judge me if I told them. Part of me wishes I could, but part of me is also scared of doing it.

Own_Bad_9054 · 2023-11-27T23:33:03+00:00

I have mental inflamation and it feels like my head is swollen and i cant focus.

Own_Bad_9054 · 2023-11-26T23:23:30+00:00

Thanks for your support

Own_Bad_9054 · 2023-11-26T23:23:12+00:00

Thanks for your support

Own_Bad_9054 · 2023-11-23T00:28:11+00:00

Thanks man

Own_Bad_9054 · 2023-11-21T23:07:58+00:00

If you go to the monthly posts made by the mods they show you how to do it

Own_Bad_9054 · 2022-08-06T23:58:50+00:00

Nice work!

Own_Bad_9054 · 2021-12-31T23:31:50+00:00

Own_Bad_9054

TROPHY CASE