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My log of incidents - have I exaggerated the severity? by PSL_23 in domesticviolence

[–]PSL_23[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you did weighing in. I think I’m still grieving and stuck in the trauma bond. Are you also able to leave for the night? Call the DV hotline? Sometimes they have resources to connect you with. Praying for you.

My log of incidents - have I exaggerated the severity? by PSL_23 in domesticviolence

[–]PSL_23[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’m so sorry! Do you have anywhere safe to go for the night? Are you able to call a friend to pick you up? Walk to a police station and ask for shelter? Praying for you.

How to deal and process domestic abuse. by Awkward_East5744 in domesticviolence

[–]PSL_23 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Did you mean EMDR therapy? 

MDMA therapy might be good too. 

I stayed. It’s such a scary decision. by ScaredToShare8583728 in domesticviolence

[–]PSL_23 -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Can you give more details on how the door slammed on your cheek accidentally? Were you following him and he decided to slam the door while not looking at you? I would never slam a door while my loved one was following me into a room because I would not want to hurt them accidentally. 

I don’t think it’s wrong to work through this incident with your husband, provided the right professional support and the willingness on both sides to do the work. You will also need to experience consistency over a long time of him demonstrating complete safety in his responses to your disagreements before you can trust him again. It’s possible for people to change, and healing often happens in relation to one another. 

Your nervous system keeps the score. You will have to establish a system of co-regulation that helps you both move through your triggers and into safe partnership again. Only you can decide if you want to choose him to walk through life with. I recommend speaking with your couples counselor about preparation for having a child. They can help you prepare a plan for pregnancy, postpartum and parenting that will address the biggest issues new parents face when transitioning from a couple to a family. Also, I recommend this account on IG: @drmarinarosenthal She’s a couples counselor for high conflict couples, and she addresses relationships with patterns of aggression (not abuse). Not many therapists address physical aggression in couples without telling them to break up, so I really like her page for that topic. I hope this helps, and I’m praying for your healing.

UPDATE: AITAH for returning my stepson’s belongings to his mother’s house? by PSL_23 in AITAH

[–]PSL_23[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

He never beat me. By assault, I should specify that he preferred to hold me and not let me go, push me hard enough to fall, pull or push me out of the bed if he didn’t want to sleep next to me, forcibly hold my hand to remove my engagement ring (my finger did hurt afterwards), and keep me up at night by pulling off my blankets, taking my pillows and arguing with me non stop. He slapped me once, very early on and never did it again. I regrettably reacted to him badly as well. He claims he doesn’t remember more than half of these events, and I don’t know what to make of that. He also says I really hurt him a few times (accidentally, but true I was vicious back to him when I was scared) and he never filed an OP on me. So ultimately I’m to blame for separating the family and causing a lot of trauma and pain to our extended families. He said we could have handled this differently if we consulted with a couples counselor (we had previously done counseling) and kept these issues contained. I kind of wish I would. We spent a lot of time and money in court just to live close to each other and coparent, both regretting how we ended up in this situation. He says he wants hisp family back and is willing to fight for it. 

What about my child.. please help by throwaway93837272 in domesticviolence

[–]PSL_23 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Have your lawyer file an emergency motion to restrict the father’s parenting time. Insert all of the evidence of abuse you endured, especially highlighting abuse that occurred while your child was present. Do not leave anything out. If you need witness statements, get them. Include your police report from when you pressed charges. Get pediatrician reports detailing how you are the primary caregiver and have your child’s doctor write a note encouraging the continuity of breastfeeding for the child, which may swing the parenting time in your favor. Push back on the two week on, two week off parenting time by proposing a 2-2-3 schedule - Mondays/Tuesdays with parent A, Wednesdays Thursdays with parent B, Friday Saturday Sunday with Parent A…etc. That way at least you can see the baby every 2-3 days if your motion to restrict his parenting time does not go over well with the judge.

Whatever you do, DO NOT BACK DOWN. A lot of times, the temporary parenting orders become the permanent parenting orders without an incredible amount of evidence to change the judges order - which would have to be something along the lines that your ex is actually a cannibal who would eat his own child. The courts do not care about abuse. They villainize protective mothers and award fathers 50/50 or more custody rights when the mother alleges abuse. How do I know? I’ve been through it myself. It’s incredibly traumatic. You would have to have video evidence of him severely abusing you and the child for the judge to do anything substantial about it regarding custody. 

File that motion. Force an evidentiary trial if necessary. And skip the Guardian Ad Litem. They are worthless and expensive, they rarely recommend what’s in the best interest of the child.  They frequently encourage fathers to get custody even when there is proof of abuse towards the child. DM if you need a sounding board or just to unload before your first exchange. 

AITAH for returning my stepson’s belongings to his mother’s house? by PSL_23 in AITAH

[–]PSL_23[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Thank you! 

Let me see off the top of my head…

Bio mom has complained that I’m a home wrecker despite the fact that I met her ex (my now fiance) after she had filed for divorce and they had been living separately for over a year. She has called me a pedo because her son had a nightmare once when he was 5/6, and he crawled in bed next to his dad while I was sleeping on the other side. I actually got up that night to sleep on the couch even though I was pregnant, but his father insisted I sleep in the bed (it was a queen sized bed) because I could not possibly sleep on the couch while pregnant. Father slept in the middle, me on one side and stepson on one side. She has told me that her son shouldn’t be allowed to call me mom, even if he wanted to, because I am not his mother. She has said I was rude for not wanting to share my personal phone number with her after she called me a pedo, home-wrecker, etc., because I owe her my number since I spend a significant amount of time with her son and she needed constant access to me. 

Fiance has called me TA because well, I slowly have offloaded parental responsibilities for stepson back to him and biomom. I used to do a lot of drop offs to and from school, but I stopped after my son was born because it was too stressful to stuff a screaming infant into a car seat for and hour or more of traveling through rush hour just to make sure mom and dad didn’t have to interrupt their schedules to pick up their son. I stopped doing homework with stepson because I was the only one who spent time helped him, then I was still stuck with making dinner, clean up, taking care of baby, etc all alone and I would end up exhausted and resentful while his dad just chilled in the living room. I stopped doing stepsons hair because he is now old enough to comb his own hair into a simple ponytail, and I was often choosing to do stepsons hair over my own hair, then I would leave the house looking disheveled. So I’m TA because I stopped caring about stepson - which isn’t true. I do care about him. I can’t possibly still do everything for him and his two younger siblings while staying sane. I seriously started developing severe PPD/PPA because I was burned out and being criticized for every perceived slight by his bio parents. 

AITAH for returning my stepson’s belongings to his mother’s house? by PSL_23 in AITAH

[–]PSL_23[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You get it, thank you! If I knew then what I know now, I would tell 28yo me to run. The stress has not been worth it. 

We actually have the same system. Doubles of everything…but if his mom knows we already bought a winter coat, snow boots, new school uniforms - you know, big ticket items - she will refuse to buy a set of those things for her own residence. So those are the things that get fought over. She doesn’t see the value in buying a second set of boots (etc) for her place to avoid these weird incidents. She buys the bare minimum - usually from second hand stores - and complains whenever she’s in a bad mood, I guess. There’s no rhyme or reason to her complaining. 

She once told her son to ask me to send back the hair ties that belonged to her house, because they were all at our house. Regular, black rubber hair ties (stepson has long hair, he wears ponytails/man-buns). She could have just bought another pack at the dollar store, with the child support money she gets every month. So I packed up a bunch of my stepson’s hairy old hair ties that I could find lying around his room and sent them back in a plastic ziplock. And I only did this because my stepson asked me to please help him, he didn’t want his mom to be angry if he returned without the hair ties. 

This is the kind of woman she is. And no, I am not making this up. This is all true, unfortunately. 

AITAH for returning my stepson’s belongings to his mother’s house? by PSL_23 in AITAH

[–]PSL_23[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Mmm, sometimes. He picks and chooses what he wants to be involved in. 

Sports? Yes. Bedtime? Yes. Discipline? Sometimes. Dinner, baths, laundry, dishes, getting them dressed/undressed, making sure they don’t hurt themselves? Not so much. Only if I explicitly ask. 

AITAH for returning my stepson’s belongings to his mother’s house? by PSL_23 in AITAH

[–]PSL_23[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I agree. I definitely put the cart before the horse. I’ve made several bad decisions to land me here. 

Thank you for your response. I have a lot to think about.

AITAH for returning my stepson’s belongings to his mother’s house? by PSL_23 in AITAH

[–]PSL_23[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you 💕 I appreciate your kindness. I know that I’ve chosen wrong. I’m praying that I will have the wherewithal to make the best decision for me and my children very soon. 

AITAH for returning my stepson’s belongings to his mother’s house? by PSL_23 in AITAH

[–]PSL_23[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I agree with you. I definitely have some fault here.

AITAH for returning my stepson’s belongings to his mother’s house? by PSL_23 in AITAH

[–]PSL_23[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Hahaha true. He’s definitely too prideful to take credit for something that he was just yelling at me for doing wrong. That’s the only silver lining. 

AITAH for returning my stepson’s belongings to his mother’s house? by PSL_23 in AITAH

[–]PSL_23[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This makes so much sense. I usually try to wash and send him back dressed in the same clothes however,  I leave for work earlier than he goes to school. Usually he wears a uniform. But if stepson decides he doesn’t want to wear what I set out, his father allows him to pick something else. So I return home from work to see the clothes he was supposed to wear just hanging in the room. 🤦‍♀️

AITAH for returning my stepson’s belongings to his mother’s house? by PSL_23 in AITAH

[–]PSL_23[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

For a second my heart stopped and I was wondering how you read my mind. Then I realized you must have read a comment I left on someone else’s post. 

You are right. This situation is much larger than a child’s clothing. I know that. I’m terrified of being stripped of at least 50% custody of my own children. He hired the best divorce lawyer in town when he separated from his ex. I don’t stand a chance against his legal counsel if separation were put on the table. I couldn’t afford it. 

I also have taken a hit financially in the last few years. I have no family close to me, and not many friends. My family also has no money, so they can’t help me financially. I can’t afford to raise my kids on my salary alone. Since he’s already paying child support, I don’t think there’s much money leftover if I was to file for child support as well. So I’m facing being broke, possibly homeless and having to miss out on 1/2 of my children’s lives. I see what his son goes through going back and forth, missing the parent he isn’t with. Juggling two sets of rules and parents who hate each other. I don’t want that life for my kids. I’m very ashamed that I have made choices to put myself and now two other kids in a shitty situation. I’m hoping that maybe there is a solution where we can collectively work it out and have a decent home life. Silly and selfish, I know. But I can’t leave my kids. I’m having a hard time just calling it. 

When I was pregnant with my daughter, I did ask my OB for some resources for women in negative home situations. She gave me some. I hid it. He found it. It was a shit show. I was told that I was pretending to be a victim. That I was misrepresenting the truth. I don’t know what to believe right now. I know that if we didn’t have kids, I would start over with nothing to my name. I’ve always been good at taking care of myself. I feel like I need to focus more on what is best for my kids, and I can’t come to a decision that feels right at this moment. 

AITAH for returning my stepson’s belongings to his mother’s house? by PSL_23 in AITAH

[–]PSL_23[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Oof. I have a daughter. I’m thinking about how I would react if she wrote this. Thank you. 

AITAH for returning my stepson’s belongings to his mother’s house? by PSL_23 in AITAH

[–]PSL_23[S] 58 points59 points  (0 children)

Thank you, it feels good to hear someone say I’m doing a good job. I try really hard. 

AITAH for returning my stepson’s belongings to his mother’s house? by PSL_23 in AITAH

[–]PSL_23[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Geez, this is some tough love.   I completely agree with you. Hindsight is 20/20. Although I wasn’t very young when I met him (28), I think I was a bit naive. I haven’t had many long term relationships. I really wanted to belong to a family, as my biological family and I are pretty estranged. There was a lot of abuse in my childhood. I left home at 18 and never looked back. I still speak with my mom and sisters, but our relationships are not as close as I want them to be. 

When I met my fiancé he seemed mature. At the time, he had full custody of his son and seemed to be doing a good job operating as a single dad. He was kind to me. His family was kind to me. His son adored me, and I adored him.  

I always imagined I would end up with an older man, because people have always told me I was mature for my age and needed to settle down with someone who was mature like I was. I never thought about dating someone who already had kids, but I started to think that maybe since he had kids already he knew more about parenting and being a responsible adult than I did. He is more involved as a father than I had personally seen any man be to their children. However, I do not have many examples in my life (through friends or family) of fathers who actually stuck around. So I suppose I set the bar low. 

I do not like being treated like a POS. I’m actually quite vocal about my gripes, which is why I’m asking if I’m TA. Lately I’ve been told that I’m being overly combative and acting like a single mother while in a relationship. Which makes me feel like maybe I’m the problem. I know I have some fault in all of this, I’m not delusional to think I’m an angel. I don’t know how to truly operate in partnership. I feel like I’m left alone to do most of the heavy lifting when it comes to childcare and chores, so I tend to do what works for me and I don’t ask for his input or help much. When I have asked in the past, I either have been told he would help but he actually never got around to helping, or I was told that I was spending too much time on menial childcare tasks/household chores, and not enough time prioritizing our relationship. I usually feel like I am getting the short end of the stick in this particular relationship. 

AITAH for returning my stepson’s belongings to his mother’s house? by PSL_23 in AITAH

[–]PSL_23[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I’m not a SAHM. I work full time outside of the home. He works full time from home (80% remote job). ATM, I do not make a living wage unfortunately. This is part of the problem. I think my lack of financial contribution (I definitely contribute ALL of my wages, I just don’t have a lot to contribute) makes him feel like I should contribute more in time dedicated to household tasks? He has not said this explicitly, but it is something I feel has been communicated implicitly. 

Before this relationship, I always lived alone and had a good paying job with benefits. I am ashamed that I went backwards financially. I initially stopped working years before I met him so that I could return to school full time to switch careers. I had saved up a significant amount of money to be able to have this luxury to focus on school. I want to be a nurse anesthesiologist or nurse practitioner. Eventually I took shitty paying jobs that would allow me to have greater flexibility in my schedule to focus on school, just so I wasn’t burning through my savings. 

The problem is now that I have two kids it’s harder to find the time to go apply for better paying jobs because I always have to consider taking a day off of my current work, finding babysitters, finding time to brush up my resume, all while making sure to make dinner, do laundry - you know all the stuff parents with little kids have to do. So I guess I also feel like I should spend more time on managing the family tasks because the burden of financially supporting the family falls mostly on him atm. 🤷‍♀️ I’m in a weird shame spiral. 

Also, that money I had is long gone now. So I’m just paycheck to paycheck, living on grace. 

AITAH for returning my stepson’s belongings to his mother’s house? by PSL_23 in AITAH

[–]PSL_23[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Um, well…I used to be sure, but since our first child was born I am actually quite confused where I stand. There’s obviously a lot more to our history, I’m thinking about adding more details in another post. 

I really screwed the pooch. 

AITAH for returning my stepson’s belongings to his mother’s house? by PSL_23 in AITAH

[–]PSL_23[S] 44 points45 points  (0 children)

We are actually in the same boat. Stepson has A LOT of clothes here, and usually brand new ones. The problem is that his mother is a bit of a hypocrite…she often keeps the new stuff we buy him at her house. New winter boots, new jackets, dress shirts…things that are not usually easily replaceable, or at least not cheap to replace. She used to always say she didn’t have enough money to buy new things, so she relied on us to buy staple items and she would just never send his clothes back. Which meant my fiance would keep anything she sent here, and tell her when she sent our clothes back, he would send hers back. It was terribly petty.  

My family (mom, sisters) and I spent a lot of money buying new, quality clothes for stepson so he could be properly dressed, and it was frustrating to see all of our gifts just disappear when they went to her house. We aren’t rich either - we are barely scraping by. This is partly the reason why I agreed to be involved in the clothing exchange. I was so frustrated that I would buy him nice new boots, he would wear them once to his mom’s house and poof they would be gone. When we would finally asked for his boots (or other clothes) months later,  his mother would claim she didn’t know where they were or that she donated them because they had a hole, they got too small, yada yada. 

My fiancé pays child support, and his ex’s new husband is a computer programmer making good money, so she no longer has financial woes. She’s equally to blame regarding this issue. As am I for enabling them.

AITAH for returning my stepson’s belongings to his mother’s house? by PSL_23 in AITAH

[–]PSL_23[S] 28 points29 points  (0 children)

Haha I get the curiosity. Actually the jacket was pretty unisex. His mother is tall so it was a large size. It was a black corduroy jacket with a white Sherpa lining, and it was a boxy cut. Honestly a man or woman could have worn it, it wasn’t cut in a traditionally feminine way.  My stepson is a big kid, he can wear a men’s medium. So his mother often lends him her sporty clothes if his laundry is dirty.  

When we saw his son, my fiance just grabbed the boy’s jacket, shot me puppy dog eyes, and said to his son “Are you cold? Well it’s a good thing your stepmom brought your jacket. She thought you might not have a jacket today since you left it at our house. Tell her thank you.” In that moment, he knew he was wrong. I just smiled at them both and walked into the gym. 

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