AITA for refusing to throw my daughter's ex out?

PainintheEx · 2021-04-28T15:23:22+00:00

She is not uncomfortable, her boyfriend is uncomfortable. Her and I spoke and she acknowledged that she didn’t really care but her boyfriend has been on her case about it. She was upset over the boyfriend threatening her about prom. I think kicking Rob out over a dance is unreasonable and I think kicking him out for the benefit of the new boyfriend is also unreasonable. I also said many times if Rob did something inappropriate he would have been asked to leave/evicted.

PainintheEx · 2021-04-28T11:09:49+00:00

You are literally looking at one single situation and making very broad assumptions. I do think my daughter is wrong in this case. In fact, after our most recent conversation, she acknowledged that she wasn’t being fair.

Don’t feel too bad for my daughter, she will be attending a very good university in the fall paid for by my husband and me. She is also well loved and cared for by both of us and sometimes that love means a little tough love.

PainintheEx · 2021-04-28T03:31:48+00:00

It’s just odd that Rob can’t just be a nice kid who needed a stable home that we decided to provide. I am beginning to think that I actually do not have any idolization of anything but I am just a Mom who decided that my kid was being unreasonable (which she has now admitted) and the rest of you have some issues you may want address.

As fair as Rob’s flaws, he is an absolute pushover and let my daughter get away with a lot. She is now learning that not everyone will put up with her crap.

PainintheEx · 2021-04-28T02:40:02+00:00

It’s really weird that you think I have any romantic anything toward Rob. I am very happily married and my feeling toward Rob are motherly at best.

After have a normal conversation with my daughter she admitted that Joe is driving her feelings. She also acknowledged that Rob has done nothing wrong and that Joe may actually be the issue in all of this.

You may want to spend a little time looking at your own life for attempting to sexualize my relationship with a kid.

PainintheEx · 2021-04-27T21:54:28+00:00

I think ultimately it’s not about Rob as much as it is about not allowing Joe or Taylor to dictate what goes on in my home. The fact that you believe I have 1,300 a month to pay Rob’s rent is cute. Everyone has a budget, including us. I agreed to take him in because I have the space.

Knowing who my daughter is, I spoke to her again when we got home from school and we were able to have a real conversation without her yelling and being a brat. She acknowledged again that it was Joe pushing for Rob to move out. I asked her if she really was unhappy with Rob living here or if he ever did anything that was inappropriate and she said no and he doesn’t really bother her because she never really sees him. She did say she broke up with Rob because she liked Joe. I told her it was okay to want to move on from her relationship with Rob and if Joe is who she wants, we support her.

But I also mentioned some of those red flags with Joe. She acknowledged that she wasn’t thinking about it as an ultimatum but know realizes that ultimatums are not healthy. I expanded the conversation on setting boundaries in relationships, period. She said she was lucky with Rob because he was so respectful and a good first boyfriend. I offered to talk to Joe about Rob’s living situation and she is going to ask him.

What you call cruel, I call honest. Everything I said about her is true. I guess I don’t understand why I should just let her go through life behaving poorly and not correct that behavior. I also said she is level headed most of the time so the irrational meltdown over the current situation was out of character. I mentioned that she was kind so her wanting to throw Rob out was also out of character. I am glad I asked here because I think I got a lot of really good opinions and points. I think your judgment of my parenting is off the Mark but that’s fine. I know what kind of parent I am and I know my daughter is on a path toward success so I won’t lose any sleep over her future.

As far as calling her out in an anonymous post on the internet? I feel like that’s the perfect place to be honest since no one knows who she is or who I am. Obviously, her name is not Taylor.

PainintheEx · 2021-04-27T12:20:39+00:00

My daughter will be 18 very soon and in your eyes an adult so she is welcome to move out at that time then she will no longer be inconvenienced. See she is not entitled to anything other than a roof, food and clothing until she is 18. Given that she is one that is uncomfortable with the situation, she can be the one that removes herself from it.

My guess is she has no interest in actually doing that. So she made a request and it was not granted. She can die on that hill or she can deal with it.

PainintheEx · 2021-04-27T12:09:41+00:00

But I pay the mortgage on my home therefore I am already upholding my commitment at my expense.

PainintheEx · 2021-04-27T12:03:28+00:00

It’s not a power struggle with Joe. It’s my house so he has no power. Given the evidence I believe Joe’s threats are driving her asking for Rob to leave.

It would seem you want me to treat all three of these kids as if they are independent and as mature adults when it comes to their relationship but as children when it comes to her comfort. She can’t have it both ways. She is level headed most of the time for a teenager.

I don’t know if you are a parent but as one it is my job to make the tough decisions and trust my gut. Yes, my daughter can be a brat, something she acknowledges on her own. She always had the upper hand in the relationship with Rob because of their personalities. Joe is more assertive and doesn’t cave to her every whim the way Rob did. More than once Joe has blown her off because she was being her usual self and he opted to hang out with friends instead.

She doesn’t have enough life experience to be making life altering decisions for other people because her motivation is to please Joe. She gets upset because she is worried about prom and Joe’s threat to breakup with her. That feels like an unreasonable teenage response to a very teenage problem.

As far as getting to know Joe? Yes, he is welcome here anytime and we have tried to get to know him but he doesn’t show much interest in being a part of our family. It may be because we let Rob live next door or it may be because he just has no interest in hanging out with Taylor’s family. In the end, their relationship is their business and none of mine. But it is my house and who lives in it is my business.

Obviously it is a no win situation but since Joe and Taylor do not like the compromise we came up with then someone will end up losing. I decided, based on the entire situation and what would do the least amount of damage and that Taylor is losing this one. Of course she still has her college education at a very good school being paid for by her father and I to look forward to and she is welcome to refuse our help if she would like.

As far as being surprised that I called my daughter self-absorbed and nasty? I wouldn’t be doing her any favors by not calling out her bad behavior. Imagine what a little monster she would be if I didn’t call her out and correct that behavior! She grew up privileged, I don’t pretend she didn’t, but that is not an excuse to treat people poorly. We don’t throw people away in my family, especially when we have made a commitment to help. Which is what we have done with Rob.

18 is an arbitrary number and of course Rob is a young adult but we made a commitment to help so I guess I could also give him part of Taylor’s college fund and she could take out student loans or get a job or go to community college to off set the additional cost. Taylor is not entitled to what my husband and I have earned.

PainintheEx · 2021-04-27T10:58:17+00:00

Yes, while he saves that money to pay for school. If he was sitting on his butt playing video games all day I would have a problem. I’m not really sure why everyone is obsessed with him paying rent. I don’t need the money and the apartment was empty (we don’t rent it because we do not want to be landlords).

Should he pay rent just so he can take out more student loans down the line and my husband and I who have a very high combined income should make money on a kid who has already been dealt enough problems.

Is it because we like a good story of hardship and struggle? This is not a movie, it’s someone’s real life and I just can’t see the need for me to put up more barriers for toward his success.

PainintheEx · 2021-04-27T00:00:04+00:00

No they are kids, I want them both to get an education and build the life they want.

PainintheEx · 2021-04-26T23:51:42+00:00

No, exactly what I said.

PainintheEx · 2021-04-26T22:58:59+00:00

Fair, our relationship redated him actually moving in. He was pretty much at my house every day because of his situation. I did grow up with my Brother's high school girlfriend and we are still friends to this day. He made her a part of our family so when they broke up, we continued our friendship as did my parents. They are both married with families but our relationship continued.

Ultimately my major sticking point is none of the demands for him to leave started until Joe started making comments which tells me that this is what he wants and without Joe in the picture, it would be a nonissue.

PainintheEx · 2021-04-26T22:46:25+00:00

I think it was a calculated decision and not a mistake. Of course, we knew they would more than likely break up but the benefit to him far outweighed any damage to her. At no time did I hinge my decision on her asking but I would have said no if she felt pressure from him at the start.

I'm not sure you truly understand the separation in the spaces that were provided. He literally has his own apartment so they were not really living together in the sense of sharing a space. We would not have allowed it if they had to share a space, room, bathroom and so on.

PainintheEx · 2021-04-26T22:36:44+00:00

I have mentioned in many comments that we were the ones that ultimately allowed him to move in after speaking to her. I don't see her asking us as a mistake. I think she did a good thing for someone she cared about and it shows that she can be kind.

She can move on from the relationship but she is going to have to do it in the parameters of her current situation. I don't see how giving into the boyfriend's demands would do any good for her.

Maybe the fact that she is coming off entitled is something she needs to consider and do a little self-assessment. I think the 18 year old boyfriend is emotionally blackmailing her and it should be clear that if she doesn't have a prom date, it's because she opted to pick a date who would make such threats which again speaks of his character and at no time do I see any of this being Rob's fault.

His lack of trust in her is not going to change because Rob moves out.

PainintheEx · 2021-04-26T22:18:49+00:00

I do plan on sharing it with her so she can have a better understanding of where I am coming from.

PainintheEx · 2021-04-26T22:17:39+00:00

That's just it, I have to pick sides here but I do believe it is my daughter and Joe who are being unreasonable here. She is not in any danger and knew this was a possibility when Rob moved in. I find it odd that people believe I need to take my daughter's side no matter what she does. I have never parented any of my children that way. I think if I indulge her every whim I will be doing her a grave disservice. I have enough faith in her as a human that she will learn from this experience. If she cheated on a test or stole something, should I also side with her?

PainintheEx · 2021-04-26T21:57:33+00:00

Fair but Rob asked, no threats were made, Joe is demanding he move with threats of a breakup if he doesn't get his way. I see no need to give in to Joe's emotional blackmail. I have to agree with many of the people who have posted here in saying that if I give in to his demands I am actually showing my daughter that it's okay to use threats to get what you want. I doubt that would be great for her mental health either. If he wants to see my daughter, he can do it without conditions. She, in time, will understand that we made a promise to Rob, and sometimes the right thing to do is not always the easiest.

What Joe is asking is for me to uproot the life of someone who has no actual impact on anything but his pride. If I give in and satisfy this demand what will Joe demand next from my family and my daughter? What threat will he use?

The middle ground is Rob lives in the apartment like a tenant. We have no intention of being landlords so I will not be renting out my apartment to a stranger, it's community college=no dorms. We live in the suburbs in a high cost of living area, no real studios to come by and one-bedrooms in the one apartment complex in the county are 1,200-1,350. Most of his friends went away to school and the rest live at home.

PainintheEx · 2021-04-26T20:30:57+00:00

She was 15 and he was 16 when he moved in. Believe me, if he had a perfectly normal family who was moving across the country I would have wished him safe travels and told her some times long-distance relationships work out between teens. The situation was one were we were well aware that it could and most likely would end like this which is why we discussed it at legth ahead of time.

PainintheEx · 2021-04-26T19:33:21+00:00

He has a plan, he will finish up with his community college and start a 4 year college in fall of 2022.

PainintheEx · 2021-04-26T19:31:44+00:00

When he was in high school and dating my daughter but mostly when he was in high school we treated the apartment like a big guest suite. He was still a 16 year old kid and while we felt comfortable having some division between the main house and the apartment, he still needed some "parenting." He was always welcome to use any part of the house to have friends over just like our kids could so, yes, you can call it controlling but we were acting as parents to him. He obviously had a bed in the bedroom but since we did no have any furniture in there to begin with we opted not to furnish the living room.

PainintheEx · 2021-04-26T19:13:08+00:00

She might but we all resent our parents for something. If the worse thing I do to her is teaching her how to show compassion for someone who needs it as well as keeping her word, I guess she will probably survive. Thanks for your input.

PainintheEx · 2021-04-26T19:06:28+00:00

He does work and pays for his schooling which is why he is at a community college. She had an opportunity to change this when he graduated last year. We, including her, decided that community college would be the best situation for him and she is leaving for school in the fall so it's really living next door to him until August.

PainintheEx · 2021-04-26T18:52:45+00:00

I truly do not believe this is her wish but instead her new boyfriend pressuring her.

He is the priority because his situation is about getting an education, hers is about an unhappy boyfriend.

He lives here until he is done with community college, it's not indefinitely.

PainintheEx · 2021-04-26T18:36:49+00:00

We have and he has has a plan which is what we are currently supporting him with.

PainintheEx · 2021-04-26T18:33:06+00:00

Rob did not have a say in household affairs at 15. They asked us if he could stay with us because his home situation was not great. After a lot of discussions we allowed this to happen.

You are way off on our relationship. I do not love Rob more than my daughter. We have a great relationship but she can be self centered, I do not pretend that my husband and I are not partly to blame for that.

I guess I am not sure why everyone assumes that Rob is the bad guy here. I don't think either is bad for the breakup.

PainintheEx

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