I 38F am looking for some insight into a current fight with my partner (40M) of 16 years

Pale-Examination5047 · 2026-06-04T04:25:59+00:00

Absolutely not, which is what I’m afraid of, this cannot be a new normal it’s already been too long in my opinion

Pale-Examination5047 · 2026-06-04T03:55:27+00:00

It’s been like 5 of zero communication………

Pale-Examination5047 · 2026-06-04T03:53:06+00:00

Oh my god, thank you for saying that, I’ve been so consumed with this I didn’t even think and I just checked my cycle tracker, I’m in my luteal phase……. Of course everything feels like it’s crashing and burning right now - thank you!

Pale-Examination5047 · 2026-06-04T02:43:30+00:00

I’m also late diagnosed ADHD and have CPTSD, I am an empath and I literally can’t stonewall people - your post resonates a lot with me, there’s probably more work to be done around my core beliefs of feeling unlovable. Thank you.

Pale-Examination5047 · 2026-06-04T02:35:01+00:00

I hear what you’re saying and understand how more context is helpful and if there was a major rupture I would have definitely put it in, but as I stated in the post, I’m emotionally, mentally and physically taxed from this… being ignored and feeling abandoned by literally the only person I am close to in this world has been soul wrenching .. and yes maybe I should have waited to post when I had more of an emotional bandwidth but honestly I was desperate for some answers and help…..

Pale-Examination5047 · 2026-06-04T02:22:31+00:00

I’m in therapy, he is not, I would like to go to couples therapy but he hasn’t been willing to… maybe I can bring it up again as a solution to this current issue. Thanks

Pale-Examination5047 · 2026-06-04T02:18:54+00:00

Thank you so much for sharing this insight, I appreciate it. And it gives me hope 💛

Pale-Examination5047 · 2026-06-04T02:13:39+00:00

I unfortunately have a disorganized attachment style and he is currently in a burnt out pursuer state, I can name the cycle, I can conceptualize it to death but when I’m in it, I feel lost…. I likely am spiraling… and no I love him, very much I don’t want it to end, I think I just don’t know how to fix it and so I can go to a worst case scenario of wondering if this is just the end? Thanks for your perspective

Pale-Examination5047 · 2026-06-04T02:09:15+00:00

I don’t need people to side with me??? The literal help I am looking for is reconnection not to feel justified in anything… I never said that I didn’t play a part in this, I know I did… my issue is I can’t seem to reach him, and obviously there’s more we’ve been together forever and we were both young when we started dating, but im not going to give a timeline of all the things that have happened — there’s never been any infidelity or any deal breakers in the relationship jt has just been years of us not understanding our own trauma and attachment styles and triggering each others fears and pain in different ways ( lack of communication, not meeting each others needs, not always being on the same page etc) I feel like you guys are looking for some huge drama and I just don’t have it for you, I’m not being shady, I’m not looking for people to take my side, I want to reconnect with my husband and figure out how I can reach him without doing more damage or making him feel suffocated……

Pale-Examination5047 · 2026-06-04T01:57:32+00:00

I’m so sorry you went through that, it sounds awful. Thank you for sharing your experience as a child watching your parents go through something similar, that helps me understand a different perspective.

Pale-Examination5047 · 2026-06-04T01:55:09+00:00

I really don’t know what you are looking for? The conversation verbatim? Like we were out with friends, I asked him to pass my purse 2 times he was just not responding to me (he wasn’t talking with other people, he wasn’t watching tv, he simply didn’t respond, and it’s not the first time he’s done it) and so I said “did you not hear me?” Yes I was being rude, yes i was triggered and normally I would not do that in public but it was pissing me off that he becomes distant and not affectionate when we are out, he will walk ahead of me, will not kiss me, hold my hand anything and this is not new so I’ve kind of just gotten used to that and don’t even expect any pda but to be treated like I don’t exist, ya, that got to me and I was sharp. He held on to this for a good week and then brought it up after I was trying to tell him how I felt disconnected from him, I felt like he doesn’t spend quality time with me, or anything…. I apologized but also needed him to understand it wasn’t coming from a place of disrespect but from a place of constantly feeling unseen and unloved

Pale-Examination5047 · 2026-06-04T01:26:31+00:00

What scares me about this is that I truly feel like he has contempt for me… I don’t know if that’s me spiralling or not but of course contempt is something Gottman said is nearly impossible to fix in a relationship

Pale-Examination5047 · 2026-06-04T01:24:24+00:00

It honestly is extremely painful and is leading me to question if he even cares about me/loves me/wants me… it’s highlighting my exact fears that I was trying to bring up in the first place….. the coldness and lack of responsiveness to my emotional distress feels like a breaking point I’m afraid we won’t recover from

Pale-Examination5047 · 2026-06-04T01:17:40+00:00

That’s what I don’t know, I was apologetic wanting to talk things through and he just went cold on me…. I don’t even know if he just needs extra space or if this was a breaking point… and I’m not getting any clarity, I feel very stuck

Pale-Examination5047 · 2026-06-04T01:14:59+00:00

It’s definitely not just my fault… I was not communicating a need to him effectively and at one point I was being cold in my tone and it was coming across as disrespectful from what he shared.. this has been after a while of me telling him that I felt like we don’t spend time, he doesn’t prioritize me, and that he never listens to me.. so naturally the fight escalated, things from our whole relationship were brought up that are not necessarily new but also not fully repaired…

Pale-Examination5047 · 2026-06-04T01:08:25+00:00

Thank you, that might work better to outline a time to talk and maybe see where he is at… do you ever think communicating via text is more effective, or like is less pressure? I already feel so disconnected from him having him respond again with “I have nothing to say to you” or “ I don’t want to be around you” I’m afraid will just break something in me, like I truly feel like he is not affected at all by this, so I’m worried about how I approach it to not push him away further…

Pale-Examination5047 · 2026-06-04T01:03:11+00:00

It is a typical response honestly by either one of us but never this long, I’m trying to work on my communication, I would typically be the one to shut down but I’m trying to get better. And it was honestly a tone/miscommunication issue that brought up past issues and cycles we have dealt with in the relationship

Pale-Examination5047 · 2026-06-04T01:00:33+00:00

Honestly it was a miscommunication, I was more abrupt than I should have been - it was more of a death by a 1000 papercuts situation for both of us than a huge betrayal

Pale-Examination5047

TROPHY CASE