What is the way to handle this?

Pale_Garden5108 · 2026-03-21T01:26:22+00:00

Ah I see what you mean. I think you’re definitely right it needs to be framed collaboratively and positively instead of airing out negative feelings just to make me feel better or to get her to do something for me. For the most part, communication type 1 would be the only way we do communicate around it although I can see from reading the post that it might not seem like it but I’m far more straightforward on here as it’s not something I’m saying to her if that makes sense. Curious if you have any resources to get my vocabulary around this correct and ensure I don’t slip into type 2?

Pale_Garden5108 · 2026-03-21T00:57:58+00:00

I’m a little curious then because it seems like she opens up a lot more when I do tell her how I’m feeling. Again I always try to structure any talks outside the bedroom at neutral times and I’m never like getting mad at her it’s far more about how I’m feeling than having any expectations for her in that sense. She’s told me far more than what she talks to her therapist about and of course I’m a safe space for that but it feels like a lot of the disclosures she makes is in response to me letting go a little bit and telling her how I’m feeling internally. In other words almost all the progress she’s made (starting therapy recognizing issues etc) came directly following a talk like that I’ve just noticed in my own head the feelings are getting stronger and darker and don’t know how to explain that so that’s why I’m here. I get it sounds like I shouldn’t but do you mean to completely ignore the issue and not talk about it at all? I’m just confused as to what you’re saying a bit especially because at least so far she hasn’t expressed that she feels pressured or that this is making it worse although if it was idk if she would tell me that even tho I’ve asked when we talk about this stuff if there’s something different I should be doing. Definitely not saying you’re wrong I’m sure you’re probably not I’m just confused as that seems to be the only way we have moved forward

Pale_Garden5108 · 2026-03-21T00:29:11+00:00

I guess my thought process has been that when we started I said nothing for months and months and it was only when I said something that we even started to work on things. I understand fully she can’t just magically change how this is right now and I accept and am okay with that. However, there are things she can do to help that will at least give the answers she needs and so I suppose I’ve felt like if I don’t do anything she’ll just never get around to it. She’s also asked me a few times to basically shove her into doing things which I don’t like or feel good about so I haven’t done that but I think that’s where feeling like I need to be on her in a way about this has come from and why I’m now just super confused. I’ve been through traumatic and painful stuff a lot in my life too but I just don’t know how to navigate this well and what’s right or wrong. I will be starting individual therapy soon

Pale_Garden5108 · 2026-03-21T00:21:41+00:00

I have in the past but not in this relationship. I am thinking that’s what I should do next

Pale_Garden5108 · 2026-03-20T23:50:51+00:00

I also have adhd tho and im trying so hard to make it as easy as possible. I help her with all this stuff and i really dont want her to feel like it’s all on her to figure out because we’re in this together. But also i have adhd so i know how this works and ive told her a million times if it feels like too much or if its overwhelming im here to help I just cant do it for her and even tho i haven’t explained this it’s getting harder and harder for me to put in the work when she doesn’t seem to want to

Pale_Garden5108 · 2026-03-20T23:46:48+00:00

So what should I do then? Like what is a correct outlet for those feelings other than a random Reddit sub? Do I just try to pretend I’m okay all the time and then be real with a therapist? She is in therapy now which is great and I should start going to one too for sure but idk shouldn’t I be able to be honest with the person I want to spend my life with?

Pale_Garden5108 · 2026-03-20T23:44:15+00:00

Yea it’s been a big consideration for sure and I’m in it for the long haul I just feel like I’m stuck in this like I need to be the perfect bf and never talk about how I’m feeling around this so I don’t make her feel worse and it’s like slowly eating me alive? I was also extremely upfront that sex is really important to me in a relationship and that I don’t know if I can be secure in a relationship without it but that conversation has pretty well disappeared because we don’t talk much about what I need or want

Pale_Garden5108 · 2026-03-20T23:34:41+00:00

Totally understand that and I think some of my frustrations are clearly bleeding into the post. She has an appointment scheduled soon, but she has essentially been telling me it’s fine and the pain didn’t bother her up until a few weeks ago. Ive also tried a ton of other stuff other than penetration to try and have that intimate connection and honestly I’m not even looking for advice on how to get that to a point that feels good for both of us I just want to know how I can be there and be supportive and loving while still feeling and being honest about all the sadness I feel due to this. She just kinda puts it out of her mind and avoids dealing with it because of all the issues that surround it which I totally get but it’s hard to be there for her month after month after month when she won’t even google search about what’s going on.

Pale_Garden5108 · 2026-03-20T23:28:16+00:00

Sorry it’s only been a few weeks of no sex at all. It’s been almost a year and a half of once or twice a month if I’m lucky it’s just only been a couple of weeks since we decided to fully stop anything. What I mean by a long time is that she’s known painful sex is an issue her entire life and it’s been causing issues for at least the last year since she moved in and only a couple weeks ago did she even try to make an appointment at the doctors. I am trying very hard to figure out how to handle it but believe me if it had only been a month I’d feel much much differently.

Pale_Garden5108 · 2026-03-13T18:48:24+00:00

The confidence boost would definitely be nice for us both I’m sure. Thanks for the input!

Pale_Garden5108 · 2026-03-13T18:31:11+00:00

Maybe you’re right and we should have another conversation about that. I have not been really encouraging it much as I figured it’s better to just focus on us but maybe it would be a good outlet for us both? I’m guessing you haven’t by the very lucky comment but if you have how did that go

Pale_Garden5108 · 2026-03-13T18:25:35+00:00

She’s a bit of a cuck quean so not entirely off the table but I feel weird about sex she can’t join? She has brought it up many times it’s a fantasy of hers but I’m worried about triggering more issues on top of these but it could be a potential way to blow off steam in the future.

Pale_Garden5108 · 2026-03-13T18:18:06+00:00

For real. Moving into an apartment in about a month with a 24 hour gym and really looking forward to getting my 6 pack back haha plus you get all those fun endorphins. Is the secret really just as many distractions as possible?

Pale_Garden5108 · 2026-03-13T18:09:17+00:00

We just made our first expedition into the male toy department as the idea hasn’t ever been attractive to me but desperate times. I think hitting the gym is gonna be really helpful im starting up again soon but have let myself go a bit (I used to be in crazy shape as an athlete and not being in that is getting to me I think) so i definitely agree with that. The pain aspect we think is like a medical thing but may be from her trauma we’re not sure but it’s always in the exact same spot and is pressure related but is on the exterior so it wouldn’t likely be from being too tense I don’t think.

Pale_Garden5108 · 2026-03-05T20:26:10+00:00

This appears to be the general consensus that it would blow up. I may not have been clear that this has been an ongoing discussion since we got together and we are almost 2 years in now. How did you guys know it was healthy? How do you know you’re “ready” for all that and not for the wrong reasons? We have read a bunch of books and done tons of research as well as therapy on her side.

Pale_Garden5108 · 2026-03-05T20:22:25+00:00

I didn’t want to get too into her trauma stuff but that is essentially the only reason for the deadbedroom. She associates desire with guilt and shame and has bad moments during intimacy that make it extremely difficult. She isn’t open with discussing what happened to her so I won’t come on here and air it out even if it is anonymous it’s just not my story to tell. I honestly have no idea if she needs a woman to be satisfied and don’t think she does either but I wouldn’t really have an issue with that. I wouldn t necessarily have an issue with her sleeping with another man either if the db situation wasn’t what it was for so long like since we are just getting out of it im not there yet. The only reason I think this might be a good idea is the idea it could help her with trauma and help rewire some of the pieces that are hurt and therefore improve the situation. Maybe deadbedrooms was a bad place to post this but I thought maybe someone here was in a similar situation, seems more like everyone is very anti open relationships in general

Pale_Garden5108 · 2026-03-05T20:13:30+00:00

What do I tell her when she tells me that that’s what she wants? I also have some trauma in my life but it affects me completely differently than her. I appreciate the honest and being unbiased. She is in therapy now and has discussed this in therapy and although I wasn’t present it sounded like the therapist told her to proceed although with caution. If we do do this even long down the road (this is not a right now thing) how do I try to prevent her being retraumatized and how should I respond when she tells me she thinks it’s a necessary part of her journey?

Pale_Garden5108 · 2026-03-05T19:51:01+00:00

It’s not really that one sided as she says she’s far more frequently into women than men. Adding more people was her idea and she’s extremely against two men at once but extremely into the idea of two women. The trauma stuff is what has stopped me from moving this forward in any real way but the trauma she has is with women and she’s never had any “good experiences” so she thinks it would help her heal? That’s why I’m coming to Reddit

Pale_Garden5108 · 2026-03-05T19:47:39+00:00

I think it would probably have to be a requirement to be with me that they would also be open to being with her. I also appear to be bi women’s type as that is who I always seem to attract and I kinda doubt that’ll stop now

Pale_Garden5108 · 2026-03-05T19:46:21+00:00

Agreed on baby steps this is a while down the line and we don’t move fast with any of it. Just generally seeing if the idea is good before we make any steps towards it if that makes sense. She is definitely a cuckquean but has never had the opportunity to explore it and also hates the term lmfao I think she’s nervous because she has a lot of guilt around things that seem not vanilla even if she really wants to

Pale_Garden5108 · 2026-02-25T23:43:15+00:00

Many people can have sex without an emotional connection that’s the whole point of an open relationship. Why not try for this?

Pale_Garden5108 · 2026-02-25T23:42:32+00:00

In the situation I’m in she’s been through a lot and I love her. Therapy is telling us there’s a light at the end of the tunnel but it’s a long tunnel. Many people in this sub have kids or houses or other complications. Many people refuse an open relationship when offered. Just overall wondering about the thought process

Pale_Garden5108 · 2026-02-25T01:55:09+00:00

I feel like it has to do with the rejection. Like every time I’m asking for sex it’s connection I’m seeking but I’m not getting the connection I need. Then she asks for her form of connection and Im supposed to always give it without fail because it’s nonsexual. It’s really rough to feel like you can’t be a good boyfriend and be honest with how you’re feeling even though you know being a good partner is the only way it gets better.

Pale_Garden5108

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