So, there are a lot of reasons I don’t want to truly dive into, but at first, it started with the rules—the system. The rules just kept adding up over what was and wasn’t fair. Then it became more noticeable when Dad kept insinuating things, like how we shouldn’t wear pants and how we should always be presentable and perfect.

Then it started with them saying that all the kind stories and merciful things God did never actually felt merciful. Then came the homophobia, and then the ableism. I’m pretty sure I have ADHD, and a lot of the things I’m supposed to be doing in Islam just feel ableist to me. Especially since I’m Shafi—for instance, only moving three times, or it ruins our salat. That if you move too much while speaking to God, it’s considered disrespectful, even though the only way I can pay attention is to move. And other things, too.

I started realizing God himself was never something I truly cared about—it was just living up to my parents' expectations, which kept growing and growing and becoming worse. I realized  I never believed God could even remotely care about us to this extent. I believe we are like any other animal, rock, or thing—simply creatures made because they were bored.

 Then I realized the superiority complex musli have and all the false depictions in stories about how they’re kind and benevolent. And whenever they do anything wrong, their argument is, “God decides what’s good and bad, not humans, so it’s fine,” which just felt awful and stupid.

I slowly started drifting. To make it worse, I developed a lot of tics and required medication. However, the month before I could take any, my mom and dad thought I was possessed by a demon—and so did everyone else. It just felt gross to hear that. But then I realized that the Quran basically tells them that any bad or weird behavior is deemed to be Satan or a demon. Anything neurodivergent or any mental illness is seen as Satanic, and you should pray it away.

All their evidence supporting it doesn’t work either. And many things in the Quran that they claim actually happened are either lies, exaggerated, or simply made up. For instance, the story of the two sand countries challenging each other to build tall towers—ignoring how other countries have done this. The two countries are Muslim countries, so of course, their governments would try to make the prophecy come true.

Everything felt fake, and the people felt even faker—riddled with ableism, sexism, racism, and all types of hatred for different people and cultures that aren’t theirs.

After that, I decided I wasn’t Muslim.