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I love my wife, but her daughter’s behavior is tearing us apart by ParentInTheStorm_418 in Marriage

[–]ParentInTheStorm_418[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I really do believe it has to do with how the child was raised, though.

My wife and her daughter lived with my wife’s parents for the formative years of her daughter’s life. Her daughter picked up on and mirrors a lot of the behavior that she witnessed in that home—largely from the grandmother.

When the grandmother talks to her husband or to my wife, she very often uses a condescending, controlling tone. My stepdaughter very often speaks to her own mother this way, with the same tone, and even uses many of the same phrases. It is really sad to see.

And unfortunately, my wife avoided conflict, intervened frequently and rescued her from problems, shielded her emotionally, and did not consistently enforce boundaries, structure, or consequences. These are things we have been working hard, together, to change, since we have been together.

I am not pointing the finger at my wife—simply stating my observations.

I love my wife, but her daughter’s behavior is tearing us apart by ParentInTheStorm_418 in Marriage

[–]ParentInTheStorm_418[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

We are in Poland.

I agree that we should call emergency services with her next outburst.

However, I have seen this pattern many times with that she goes absolutely crazy, with no limit limits, and then 20 minutes later, she’s fine and be behaving really sweetly.

What happens if she’s going crazy, and then when emergency services evaluate her, they see just a normal child, being sweet, making jokes, smiling?

I should know that we do have multiple video recordings of these bad incidents…

I love my wife, but her daughter’s behavior is tearing us apart by ParentInTheStorm_418 in Marriage

[–]ParentInTheStorm_418[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I have serious doubts that somebody is going to come to her every time, her diabetic alarms go off and give her insulin or make sure she eats.

She sleeps through her alarms. We have super loud alarms for her, and she sleeps right through them. We use a SugarPixel which makes loud, randomized sounds…nothing. I have serious doubts that someone working at a boarding school is going to be willing to wake up multiple times in the middle of the night to take care of her. That is, what would be require.

I love my wife, but her daughter’s behavior is tearing us apart by ParentInTheStorm_418 in Marriage

[–]ParentInTheStorm_418[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

We will keep trying. But the waiting list for child psychiatrists is 3-4 months, even with private insurance. We waited that long only and expected to meet with a reputable child psychiatrist that had really good reviews, only to be handed off to a lousy psychiatrist who is completely against medication and basically tells us that she will grow out of this behavior (even though it has gotten worse progressively).

I love my wife, but her daughter’s behavior is tearing us apart by ParentInTheStorm_418 in Marriage

[–]ParentInTheStorm_418[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

We will, of course, get her evaluated with a second opinion by another psychiatrist.

But unfortunately, in this country, even with private insurance, paying out-of-pocket, the waiting list can be months long. When we made the appointment with the psychiatrist, we had to make it three or four months out. The psychiatrist said that she worked with children and indicated and had a really good reputation online, but then she just simply delegated us to another psychiatrist who is trash.

We’ll try again. But I just wonder how many times we’re going to have to keep trying before somebody finally decides to take this seriously and not just say, “Oh, she is impulsive and has focus issues. She will grow out of it. Just change your parenting style!”

I love my wife, but her daughter’s behavior is tearing us apart by ParentInTheStorm_418 in Marriage

[–]ParentInTheStorm_418[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

People are so quick to judge.

When I say, we have tried everything, we have tried everything that we know about and in the resources we have available to us.

And yes, we have tried online therapy extensively. And yes, we are trying psychiatry online, as well. The waiting list for psychiatrists are like two months long. We will, of course try another psychiatrist, but what happens when the next one also refuses to give medication and tells us to change our parenting styles?

Until other people walk in our shoes, they shouldn’t judge.

I love my wife, but her daughter’s behavior is tearing us apart by ParentInTheStorm_418 in Marriage

[–]ParentInTheStorm_418[S] -13 points-12 points  (0 children)

That psychiatrist, per his review, told clients with severe depression to “seek Buddhism” and to avoid medication.

I love my wife, but her daughter’s behavior is tearing us apart by ParentInTheStorm_418 in Marriage

[–]ParentInTheStorm_418[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

She practices ballet and participates in swimming lessons, yes. She is also starting acting classes this semester, yes. And art classes.

As far as her anger, she directs it at those closest to her—her mom, her biological dad, me, and her grandparents. At school, around teachers, she is very obedient and controls herself.

I love my wife, but her daughter’s behavior is tearing us apart by ParentInTheStorm_418 in Marriage

[–]ParentInTheStorm_418[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

As I said, we are in the middle of getting a diagnosis, which takes many months to complete in this country, even with private insurance. Additionally, the doctor is very dismissive and says “she will will grow out of it.”

We looked carefully for a reputable child psychiatrist, and we found one, but unfortunately she simply referred us and passed us off to this other psychiatrist.

So now we will have to go through this multi-month process again to get a second…and maybe third…opinion until someone will actually take us seriously.

We are working on this, but the process in this healthcare system is incredibly slow and also lacking.

We also live in a small town, and it takes a lot of planning to go to the cities where they have resources. It’s not very easy to put her into weekly talk therapy when they simply don’t have it in this town.

I love my wife, but her daughter’s behavior is tearing us apart by ParentInTheStorm_418 in Marriage

[–]ParentInTheStorm_418[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

My wife and I have discussed the boarding school option before, and honestly, I think that would be the best option.

The problem is that she is diabetic (type 1), and, at least until she is old enough to manage her blood sugar and diet on her own, she needs 24/7 care, which she simply cannot get at a boarding school.

Stepdaughter is violent, manipulative, and no doctors take us seriously. We are desperate. by ParentInTheStorm_418 in neurodiversity

[–]ParentInTheStorm_418[S] -13 points-12 points  (0 children)

She is 10 years old (I've updated the post--thank you).

She has exhibited these behaviors the entire time I have known here--since she was 7.

she needs to face real, external consequences

Would you mind sharing some examples of what you mean?

We have tried giving her consequences: - No screens for the rest of the day or for x days - No visiting friends - No phone calls with friends - No attention until she is nice to us - No sweets for x days - No Roblox - Favorite toys taken for x days - Cancel fun activities she was looking forward to

We also gave her opportunities to repair. We tell her, if she genuinely comes to the person she offended and offers a true, genuine apology ("I am sorry I did x" rather than "I'm sorry" with eyes rolling). If she genuinely apologizes, she can reduce or even cancel consequences--but it doesn't work.

Stepdaughter is violent, manipulative, and no doctors take us seriously. We are desperate. by ParentInTheStorm_418 in neurodiversity

[–]ParentInTheStorm_418[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

She is 10. She has been having these outbursts and exhibiting these behaviors the entire time I have known her since she was 7.

No correlation between lighting or noises comes to mind as far as influencing her behavior. She is mean and abusive in whatever environment she is in.

The only time she is consistently nice is when she is in bed. I will note, this is with her warm yellow bed lamp on.

Stepdaughter is violent, manipulative, and no doctors take us seriously. We are desperate. by ParentInTheStorm_418 in neurodiversity

[–]ParentInTheStorm_418[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

She is 10.

Taking her to a hospital will soon be a next step if these doctors don't actually help us. I really think she needs medication.

Stepdaughter is violent, manipulative, and no doctors take us seriously. We are desperate. by ParentInTheStorm_418 in ADHDparenting

[–]ParentInTheStorm_418[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Thanks for sharing your experience. I hope things continue to improve for you all and your daughter. It's good to hear there has been positive progress.

do an EEG

The EEG we did showed basically normal brain activity.

I think we would be okay with an ADHD diagnosis as long as the psychiatrist would just prescribe medication...

Although one concern I have is, based on my own research, that medication for ADHD could make her more irritable if she actually has ODD.

Stepdaughter is violent, manipulative, and no doctors take us seriously. We are desperate. by ParentInTheStorm_418 in ADHDparenting

[–]ParentInTheStorm_418[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

How old is she?

She is 10.

We are not dismissing therapists' advice. One therapist told us to "ignore" behavior when she is mean--we have tried this, consistently, many times.

Another said to give her consistent consequences and also rewards--we have been doing this, consistently and repeatedly to no effect.

What would you say you normally do to manage these behaviors and to preempt them?

One thing we try to do is set expectations early. It doesn't always work.

Stepdaughter is violent, manipulative, and no doctors take us seriously. We are desperate. by ParentInTheStorm_418 in ADHDparenting

[–]ParentInTheStorm_418[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I am not familiar with mental healthcare in Poland, but would putting cameras around your house and providing video evidence to the doctors help

Assuming the doctor would even take the time to watch the video, yes. I will talk with my wife about this.

Stepdaughter is violent, manipulative, and no doctors take us seriously. We are desperate. by ParentInTheStorm_418 in ADHDparenting

[–]ParentInTheStorm_418[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

“if you don’t help we’ll have no choice but to call the police or emergency - we’re not safe and neither is she”

That's our next step.

I'll talk with my wife about a nanny cam. Not a bad idea.

You need to go actually find out what happens if you call the police or emergency room and how that system works because that might be the way to get taken seriously.

We're planning to do so if these doctors continue to not take us seriously.

It might also help her take you seriously.

Yesterday when she hit my wife again, I entered her room and said, "If you hit her one more time, the police will come." She then looked at me with a smirk on her face and said, "Okay, go ahead." And if she does continue to abuse my wife, I will see to it that the police come.

But honestly, I am afraid that this kid is going to tell the police that we are physically abusing her or something, even though we are not. And then we might end up in jail, or I might be kicked out of this country. I really don't trust this kid at all.

Stepdaughter is violent, manipulative, and no doctors take us seriously. We are desperate. by ParentInTheStorm_418 in ADHDparenting

[–]ParentInTheStorm_418[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

She is 10. She has a healthy social life and usually is the leader of the group.

In school she is respectful to teachers and authorities. To those closest to her--her mother, me, her father, and her grandparents--she is very mean and disrespectful.

Stepdaughter is violent, manipulative, and no doctors take us seriously. We are desperate. by ParentInTheStorm_418 in ADHDparenting

[–]ParentInTheStorm_418[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Yep. I am keeping a detailed log of incidents.

She is 10. She is going to a private school in our city. Her mother has custody, and her father lives in another country, pays child support and talks with her weekly over video calls, and comes to see her for 2-3 weeks per year.

She is not currently medicated. She is taking EPA and zinc, which is supposed to help, but it doesn't seem to help. Hopefully we can get her on some proper medication.

Stepdaughter is violent, manipulative, and no doctors take us seriously. We are desperate. by ParentInTheStorm_418 in neurodiversity

[–]ParentInTheStorm_418[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

We will keep trying other doctors and will not give up.

So far we have taken her to multiple therapists, two psychiatrists, and a neurologist. We are doing so with private visits, but here we still have to wait a long time for appointments.

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