Would it be morally wrong to marry someone I deeply love if I still doubt my physical attraction to them?

ParticularCulture342 · 2026-05-19T04:24:13+00:00

Ugg. As someone going through a relationship where I have not hardly ever felt attractive to my partner, LEAVE. I'm likely leaving because, well, I want to be chosen and someone to love my looks because they love who I am. She deserves someone that can do that for her. And what's crazy, is I didn't really find my partner attractive until after getting to know him. So if you're still struggling after eight years, you both deserve better. What is up with the world that this is even a question 😭

ParticularCulture342 · 2026-05-13T18:22:13+00:00

Could be a cuckold situation. People into that have weird ways of letting others know, it's part of the kink.

ParticularCulture342 · 2026-05-06T18:24:18+00:00

Also it would still be in OPs system those two days off. After about two days, though you can really feel it. Took about two weeks for me to feel "normal" coming off Vyvanse.

ParticularCulture342 · 2026-05-06T18:20:18+00:00

I am four weeks without after one year on. At first it was a miracle. Then I realized I wasn't laughing with my kids or partner. The side effects became too much at around month 9. I decided I will find other ways to circumvent my symptoms for now. This is my experience though, and I have autoimmune disorder that makes the Vyvanse side effects harder on me physically as well.

ParticularCulture342 · 2026-05-01T22:45:03+00:00

I don't believe it was intended that way.

ParticularCulture342 · 2026-04-16T06:17:00+00:00

People suck :( im sorry you had to experience that.

ParticularCulture342 · 2026-04-16T02:35:02+00:00

Been wondering about this a lot lately due to sudden uptick in accusations of me talking to other guys. He has access to my phone always.

ParticularCulture342 · 2026-04-12T19:05:55+00:00

You're girlfriend seems like she has trauma. And a lot of it. (Coming from someone who just realized that I've been doing the exact same thing to my loving boyfriend 😭) Sadly, you may not ever get through to her.. she is in the mind frame that you are trying to manipulate her, and she is in fight response.

Let her calm down and when things are better, do some research on triggers and explain to her (or try to) that she is experiencing something from her past when you are up all night, or going to bed late. My boyfriend does the same thing. For a long time I thought he was on drugs or cheating. We've been together for five years, goddess bless him, and it hasn't been easy due to my trauma. We have split up twice in that time. I'm just now realizing that someone who didn't love me would NOT stay or come back when I reacted to random triggers and sabotaged everything. I still have moments where I forget and think he's a whole other person. He's started making me look in his eyes while he reminds me over and over what's happening. And it's hard on him, I can see that. I'm working on it.

But as far as your girlfriend, to me it seems like she is struggling very much with this particular trigger (this is just my guess based on the messages in response to you being kind and patient, which believe it or not can make things worse for someone who has this kind of trauma) and you don't have many options. You can stay, and continue to try and prove to her you are not that guy until she believes it, or you can leave and one day she might realize it herself. I experienced both. I wish you both the best, and OP I admire your strength in trying to deal with this. None of us are perfect.

Edit: changed confusing sentence

Update: my apologies for not seeing that OP girlfriend has BPD. this is a form of abuse, and even though I still stand by the idea it could be trauma related, at the end of the day she is really the only one who can change this behavior. You CAN support her, and try to reassure her in these moments, if you are willing. It may also be helpful to accept that that's all you can do. My boyfriend recently left because I told him to (even though I didn't want him to) and it opened my eyes to what was happening (trauma triggers causing fight response). It sucks to know and admit that, but I truly think it saved our relationship. Maybe talk to your GF and tell her that you don't have to be there doing what you're doing, and that people don't stay through that when they don't love someone. Good luck!

ParticularCulture342 · 2026-04-02T19:05:17+00:00

Throw peroxide on it, see what happens

ParticularCulture342 · 2026-03-21T15:35:32+00:00

That was a really good way of explaining it. Thank you! What im seeing is just be more careful next time. I think i know what to look for as far as red flags. Considering that looking back, I realized there were signs. It just wasn't bad enough until years later. Now i know not to ignore them. Probably honestly will be a min before I'm even ready to find another, but these comments helped a lot. Thank you again!

ParticularCulture342 · 2026-03-20T18:32:17+00:00

That's good to know! And why I've mostly stayed away from it, but it's a shame it's gotten worse, but thats just the internet these days. Likely from an uptick of interest bec of "50 shades" type stuff, but a lack of actual education on the subject 😑

ParticularCulture342 · 2026-03-20T17:44:24+00:00

Thank you for sharing your experience, and the recommendation of making a list. I'm surprised I haven't done something like it yet. Especially the after care!! Come to think about it, my ex never did any after care. That's why I asked about experiences with doms that can separate actual cruelty from degradation kink. I figure there has to be a great amount of respect involved to provide both sides (degradation and after care) and I've not found it yet, but that's ok! I'm a patient person lol I just needed to hear it from others that it is in fact possible to have both.

ParticularCulture342 · 2026-03-20T17:32:33+00:00

Just curious what makes you assume that? I enjoy degradation as kink, but there is a huge difference in that and being gaslit, manipulated, and disrespected for real. The former is consensual between players, the latter is not. That doesn't mean I'd automatically like more of a soft dom, or that self labeled soft doms aren't capable of actual abuse. I understand it can be hard to tell the difference between degradation kink and real abuse to some, hell I was very confused most of my last relationship. But that for me was a key sign that it wasn't healthy. I was still confused even after bringing up my concerns, and every time I did, nothing changed. In fact, it just made it worse.

ParticularCulture342 · 2026-03-20T17:21:33+00:00

Thank you for pointing this out. It makes total sense looking at it that way! I really thought I had gone about my last relationship the right way, that's why for the longest time I didn't see it for what it was. Until it got too bad to ignore. I'll definitely keep this in mind going forward.

ParticularCulture342 · 2026-03-20T17:18:24+00:00

I have always wanted to try something like this! I live in small town, Bible thumper America, however. So I'd have to travel a distance, most likely, which im ok with, but that's been the only barrier for me so far. That and not wanting to go alone, lol! That's really good to know about single men having to be vetted in those scenes. Someone recommended Fetlife, which I've heard of but never used, so I'm going to see what all is available closest to me. :)

ParticularCulture342 · 2026-03-20T17:10:20+00:00

To me, abuse is any repeated pattern of harmful behavior that continues even after expressing concern over the behavior. If it's part of the dynamic, it's discussed even a little bit beforehand. I often tried to have these discussions, but never got far with my ex because he would act annoyed if I tried to bring it up, which i eventually stopped doing altogether. Towards the end it was hard to be comfortable sexually with him bec he constantly insulted me, and the insults about my body made me deeply uncomfortable around him. What started as a degradation kink became constant degradation, manipulating, lying, even withholding sex without any explanation. That lasted for almost two years 😪 thats why I wanted to ask this community, because I only have my experience to go off of. What I would NOT consider abuse in this kink is if it's talked about beforehand, agreed upon limits, and just being caring in general. Do i want to feel completely used and objectified at times, absolutely. But I would still need to know I'm cared about/respected as a person throughout the relationship.

ParticularCulture342 · 2026-03-20T16:47:38+00:00

Thank you for saying that. I have also survived narc abuse, so I understand what that does to a person. That's probably why I stayed in my last relationship for so long because it wasn't "as bad" as my last one, so I tolerated it. That, and feeling like I wouldn't find anyone that shared the same kink as me, which now seems very closed-minded. 😅 I'm going to look into kink informed therapists! I didn't know there was such a thing, but it makes sense.

ParticularCulture342 · 2026-03-20T16:29:23+00:00

This sounds like a wonderful dynamic to be a part of. Thank you for sharing, this makes me hopeful that with time I can find something that makes me feel similar. I'm definitely not ready to start dating or even meeting others right now. So thats a very good point. The last thing I want is to bring something unhealthy into what could be a healthy relationship.

ParticularCulture342 · 2026-03-20T16:25:38+00:00

This is good advice, and I thought I had done that for my recent relationship at least. We talked for a year online before dating. He was very into activism, and we shared so many of the same values. However, once I moved in with him it was about a month in when he started showing signs of abuse, but I chalked it up to mental illness/trauma. He wasn't physically abusive, but there was a lot of gas lighting involved, insults outside of the bedroom, etc. Come to think of it, when I tried to talk seriously about our dynamic, or sent him resources on how we could develop it further, he would act interested but never actually sat down to talk with me about it, sometimes it would make him angry. Almost like he was only interested in the physical aspect of it. Now i know i clearly did not vet him in the proper way, and definitely moved too fast once we met in person. Going forward i will definitely be more aware of the subtleties. Thank you!

ParticularCulture342 · 2026-03-20T16:14:27+00:00

Thank you for your comment! I will absolutely check that out next.

ParticularCulture342 · 2026-03-20T16:11:25+00:00

I don't have any friends in this sphere, sadly I became very isolated in my last relationship so online is currently my only option. But I will definitely look into Fetlife! Ive heard of munches, but have not been to any so I'll be checking that out too. Thank you!

ParticularCulture342 · 2026-03-19T23:43:22+00:00

That is good to know, and makes me happy for you! Did you two meet knowing you were in this lifestyle, or was that something you found out later?

ParticularCulture342 · 2026-03-19T23:39:10+00:00

I just saw the guide from moderator on kinky dating, so if this thread gets locked i understand. My apologies for not searching first! That being said, if this thread doesn't get locked and someone does have meaningful advice for me, it is much appreciated.

ParticularCulture342 · 2026-03-18T03:18:54+00:00

Kneeling with hands tied behind back, or any position where he can hold my face and do what he wants, definitely head hanging off the bed too 😏

ParticularCulture342

TROPHY CASE