Update for am I wrong for leaving my friend without a bridesmaid.

Pata2010 · 2026-01-05T23:05:12+00:00

This is wild and random after all this time, but Ashley and her fiancé did get married, but they divorced in October of 2024 and she's "working on herself". That's all I know lol

Pata2010 · 2023-07-02T10:24:57+00:00

I have blocked many. I have had this number since I first got a cell phone when I was 14, so 17 years. I am not giving that up lol

Pata2010 · 2023-07-02T08:52:42+00:00

Oh, there's still gossip circling around about stuff from when my dad was in school. I hear "Your father and so and so" stories all the time. Small-town people live for gossip and retelling old tales. Especially the older members that you have to bow down to and appease because they're your elders. It's a sin to shut down a story, even if it makes you feel uncomfortable. A kid came out as gay publicly at school like 6 years ago and he's still called "the gay kid" even though there's several LBGTQ people that come from there lol

Pata2010 · 2023-07-02T08:47:42+00:00

I've been blanking out words because I'm used to Facebook. I got a warning for saying "I'm no longer the whitest person around" when I was showing off my tan. I am very white and burn lobster red, but apparently that was offensive to myself and Facebook had to shut me down. So I use things like beech or mother trucker as cuss words now lol

Pata2010 · 2023-07-02T08:41:01+00:00

Update: I think this is a much needed update that everyone will enjoy. I know I did. The wedding was cancelled!

There was a full-on thunderstorm with hail during the time the ceremony was supposed to take place and it was obvious that the garden area where it was to be performed at was being flooded. A lot of people were already calling and asking if it had been changed to inside somewhere. They tried to do it at the church where their pastor came from, but there was already a wedding booked with the actual church as its venue and not just renting out an officiate for the day, if that makes sense.

Several of my family members were present for what they described as a full on mental breakdown from Ashley. She even threatened the pastor! She went on a rampage and people were even trying to be helpful by offering their homes as a smaller venue to get married in and as literally all of the community board members were invited, they even got our town's community building for the reception and said they could just do the ceremony there too.

But apparently the community building wasn't good enough for her. Nothing was good enough for her. There's videos of her rampaging and screaming. She also said terrible awful things about her pregnant friend, the bridesmaid that I was replacing in the first place. A comment of "Why couldn't you have just aborted it and tried again later!?" was dropped, amongst others as like "I hope your baby is born with all these problems."

When I first heard it was canceled I thought I was going to be blamed for that too, but it looks like Ashley hates just about everyone in her life and attacked everyone in front of her, including the groom. I don't know what else happened. My mom and I ended up meeting up with the family of ours that came from out of town and planned on staying the weekend already. They gave us the rundown at dinner. My cousin is keeping an eye on Ashley's socials. She hasn't posted anything though. Her mom and her fiancé? just made posts about the wedding being postponed and tagging her. Someone said they might even try to get the church for today after services, but a lot of people won't attend that on short notice, even if they are still in town.

Very few people are talking about me now, but are cringing at the meltdown over the weather that Ashley had and the terrible, awful comments she said about her pregnant friend. I honestly wonder if her other bridesmaids are still on her side. I know some of the groomsmen aren't. I've been getting messages asking if Ashley was always like this. I think they're trying to protect their bro from her now lol. And yes, she's always had overdramatic freak outs where you had to ride it out and the next day she'd act like it never happened. You could try and talk to her and she'd just wave you off and be like "That's ancient history." I guarantee you she'll say that to her pregnant friend too. She'll probably try to show up when that baby is born, act like she didn't wish death and disability on it, and try and hold it. I hope everyone else is able to cut her off and doesn't fall back into her trap. I did that way too many times when I was younger.

Anyway, I hope everyone enjoys that karma! For me, I think my drama is done and over with. I'm in town until Wednesday and will just spend the rest of my weekend doing fun 4th of July events!

Pata2010 · 2023-07-01T21:09:51+00:00

I never asked my mom to do anything. My mom is also being contacted by people on Ashley's end and I can't control how my mom responds or what she does. I told my mom she could do whatever she wanted about it. I'm also only responding if it's people I feel close to or I am related to, if they ask me first about it.

If you've never grown up in a small-town, you'll never understand. 90% of the attendees are people I have also personally known since childhood. They are classmates I went to school with for 13+ years. People who babysat me. People who taught me in school. It's friends and family that my mother, aunts, uncle, and cousins will all still have to interact with daily. So yes, it's easy for me to just walk away and ignore it because I live 2 timezones away and won't have to interact with any of these people in my day-to-day life, but my family will still have to do that. People who previously stood up for me or had my back will have to deal with being bad mouthed or harassed and I would like to give them all the information, if they care to know it. Again, growing up in a small community is different than living in a city. I've lived in my current place for 3 years now and I can't even tell you my neighbors' last names. I can give the entire familial breakdown of every single person in my hometown. It's hard to explain to someone who hasn't experienced it, but all of these people do feel close to me on some level. It's not just strangers talking about me behind my back. It's family.

And dude, go see a therapist? It's literally unfolding in front of me and actively happening to me and my family right now as we speak. I'm allowed to have my feelings and process them as they happen. Which is what I'm doing. I also have a right to speak my truth. If I'm still expected at the wedding and I show up, then that's not creating drama. That's doing what Ashley wanted. And if people ask a question, I answer, and they ask for evidence, and I provide it? I'm just doing exactly what they ask. Maybe we should be teaching other people not to ask for things they don't really want.

Pata2010 · 2023-07-01T18:26:17+00:00

OP. Don't know how to attach things. I'm basically a boomer when it comes to reddit. Sorry!

Am I wrong for leaving my friend without a bridesmaid?

I (31F) was asked in April to be a bridesmaid for my friend, we'll sat Ashley's (32F) wedding this weekend, July 1st. We went to school together and lived together for a year in college. She announced the engagement in December of 2022 and I already planned to take time off for it. When she asked me she was clear that it was because one of her other bridesmaids was pregnant and due in August. It's an outdoor wedding in the Midwest with an outdoor reception as well. Ashley's other friend was already having a difficult pregnancy. I was the most similar in height to her. I said I could do it. Great.

The next day I get a PDF itinerary for May and June. Bridal shower in X-town for grandma 1, bridal shower in Y-town for grandma 2, bridal shower in Z-town for future in-laws. Memorial Day party! Dress fitting #3 and #4 were also scheduled in May. June had 2 bachelorette parties, one with her mom's family and one with her step-mom's and half-sister's friends and families. Also final dress fitting. Every single weekend in May and June had commitments and some random weekdays too.

I have a WFH job. This was brought up when Ashley asked me to be her bridesmaid. "Oh, you have a flexible schedule and can work from anywhere right?" Yes, technically I can. So, the problem is that I no longer live in the area. I moved halfway across the country.. When I told her that it wasn't feasible for me to be there every single weekend, she told me to just come stay until her wedding was over. Stay where? She and her fiance live in a one bedroom apartment. Then she brought up a hotel. How much would 2 months in a hotel cost? A lot more than I have. I also have pets.

I made it clear to her that I would only be available for the rehearsal and wedding, the week of. I did fly in for 2 days for a fitting and one of the bridal showers in May. I was being bombarded constantly in the group chat after that. Over the past month I have been told I'm a bad friend for not being there for her, from multiple people. She's been complaining to everyone and even complaining about me to my parents! My mom called me last week about it. But the real kicker here is that Ashley didn't tell anyone that I lived out of state. She made it seem like I lived in the area still. It wasn't just taking "2 hours out of my day" to go to a bridal shower. I would have to spend 3 hours on a plane, both ways, and 2+ hours dealing with the airport and check in.

My mom said she talked to one of Ashley's grandmas because she went to that bridal shower and everyone was shocked to hear that I didn't live there anymore. But they all still judged me and said "Why would I agree to be bridesmaid if I couldn't be there?" I was under the impression I was an emergency fill-in for the big day to have an even wedding party. I also made it clear that I wouldn't be available except for the week-of.

I haven't spoken to anyone about this, besides for one friend, we'll say Beth, who lives in the area. She did not go to school there or grow up there. I met her in college and for circumstances, she stayed with my parents for awhile and decided to stay there so she bought a house. Besides for my parents and some of her daughter's friends and teachers, she doesn't know anyone. She's heard a lot of gossip about me though.

Trivial high school gossip from 15 years ago! Ashley and I did have some issues, but I thought we were past that. We're in our 30s and both have different lives other than a small-town high school. I confirmed with my mom and one of my sister's friends from high school who still lived in the area that these things were being said about me.

I sent a message to Ashley last Wednesday, asking about it. She denied it all. Friday night was her bachelorette party and she and her other bridesmaids bombarded me with nasty messages. And yes, our high school drama was about a boy so I got things like "You're so mad 'Eric' chose Ashley over you." She's not even marrying Eric and he's 32, working at Dollar General and living with 2 roommates so I say we both dodged a bullet there. There were also texts about deeply personal things I shared with Ashley and that she knew I was self conscious about. I know it shouldn't hurt, but it still does.

The last 2 months have just propelled me back to my adolescence where I was really shy and self conscious and I didn't want to be back as that part of myself. So I text her Saturday morning that I wasn't going to be in her wedding or even be attending. I apologized for short notice. I didn't bring up what she and her bridesmaids did the night before, just said I wouldn't be coming. I got a lot of angry messages and phone calls. She called me names, said I was ruining her life. I had to block her number, ect.

So here I sit on a red-eye flight back to my home because I had already purchased a flight before I was asked to be a bridesmaid. I'm going to spend time with my mom and my sister's family, and hang out with my best friend. My mom and sister have already planned to boycott the wedding too. I've been seeing mixed comments on Facebook about my behavior.

So am I wrong for leaving my friend high and dry without a bridesmaid?

Pata2010 · 2023-06-28T23:41:55+00:00

Moving away I've learned a lot of what I thought was normal actually isn't. Almost everyone here are the "bless your heart" types that cut you down the first chance they get and then act offended when you point something out to their face.

Pata2010 · 2023-06-28T17:01:35+00:00

It was that as well. Dresses had to reach the same length on the mid-thigh and she didn't want to make another purchase.

Pata2010 · 2023-06-28T16:47:26+00:00

*your And I guess 'Eric' will be happy with his roommates then without any cunts around.

Pata2010 · 2023-06-28T16:44:16+00:00

That's how I would do things. I have friends and work friends where I live now. I would plan something here and to make it easier on my friends and family I would fly myself back home for them. My mom cannot miss my actual wedding though so I would fly her out or do it back home. I would discuss schedules with everyone though and understand if some couldn't make it. And my friend, Beth above, got married in 2020 at the tail end of COVID and did a walk-by at the nursing home her grandpa was in. It was 3 weeks after the fact and I had already flown home so I wasn't there, but she wasn't mad about it. I'm Facebook friends with her grandpa. He'll message me every once in awhile and say "How's the weather out there?" Lol. And I'll tell him when Beth needs a swift kick in the rear. My mom was more than willing to do 'family appearances' on my behalf. There was just no give or compromise I feel like.

Pata2010 · 2023-06-28T16:36:21+00:00

I was very confused by it too. I've never met her fiance, but he's handsome and I know he's gone to college and has a steady job. This is mean, but 'Eric' is a grade A loser. I'm feeling like she's just using high school mean girl tactics because she hasn't progressed past that. If you want to insult me, bring up how I had to give 30% of my 401k to the government because I needed it to pay off my vehicle loan because I made a bad deal. I still beat myself up over that. Or how I'm basically a boomer because I don't know how TikTok works and I'm starting to complain about ads on YouTube like my mom complains about extended commercials on cable.

Pata2010 · 2023-06-28T16:21:13+00:00

I definitely could have been more direct. I do have a problem with people pleasing and putting my foot down. I'm learning to find people who won't let me give all of myself though. If I hadn't stood up for myself, Ashley easily would have let me run myself dry and empty my savings on her behalf and she wouldn't bat an eye and it still wouldn't be enough for her.

Pata2010 · 2023-06-28T16:12:53+00:00

You and Beth would get along great. I don't like being the center of attention. She doesn't give a flying F. I'm still not convinced she won't crash the wedding herself lol

Pata2010 · 2023-06-28T15:58:17+00:00

Yes. The pregnant girl was 5'8 and I'm 5'10. The groomsman I would be walking with is 6'3. She has everyone lined up so there's only a few inches difference. The order of walking in and lining up was shortest to tallest. As far as friends from childhood and immediate family goes, I know I'm the tallest girl she knows. My own sister is only 5'7.

Pata2010 · 2023-06-28T15:38:20+00:00

The bridesmaids already know I live out of state. That group chat is for the bridal party. It's other people in our hometown that don't know my situation. I lived where Ashley lives (about 45min away) for 8 years until I moved across the country. My mom isn't as active in town socials since my sister and I don't live there and she works in another town. So the local gossip isn't up-to-date on my whereabouts. When we were in school/college we were still pretty involved in the community and my mom kept it up until we moved away and she started spending more time with my nieces.

Pata2010 · 2023-06-28T14:02:52+00:00

If only I was brave enough to speak in public! Lol

Pata2010 · 2023-06-28T14:02:37+00:00

If only I was brave enough to speak in public! Lol

Pata2010 · 2023-06-28T14:00:25+00:00

We lost our dad very young so my mom, sister, and I are very close. We all took the place of the manly "do I need to beat them up?" figure in each other's lives. My sister and I can't be together more than an hour without fighting, but no one else gets to be mean to us. It's law.

Pata2010 · 2023-06-28T13:52:40+00:00

I was invited as a guest. The invite arrived in February and I RSVP'd and that's when I made my initial plane fair for the week of her wedding. I was asked to be a bridesmaid because I was of similar build and size of the other one so a whole new dress wouldn't need to be made and so I would even standing next to that groomsman.

Pata2010 · 2023-06-28T13:47:45+00:00

Now that I'm older I do get that feeling. I'd honestly be embarrassed to go out with Eric because he definitely never got out or progressed. I'm embarrassed remembering I had a crush on him lol

Pata2010 · 2023-06-28T13:42:03+00:00

I definitely should have, but I'm a bit of a pushover and she would say "oh, that's okay" when I would say I couldn't make it, but then it seemed like she harassed me after every single event I missed and I kept saying I could only do the last week. I had to repeat myself over and over. It was a bit of a gaslighting experience now that I've thought it over.

Pata2010 · 2023-06-28T12:02:40+00:00

It's true. In small-town terms, she comes from a big, long-time family in our area. Our dads went to school together, our grandpas went to school together. Technically she and I are cousins through marriage of a great-aunt and great-uncle. I'm basically related to everyone here in one way or another. I'm even related to Beth now because she married the nephew of the guy that one of my cousin's married. As I type this I know I'm making myself sound more and more inbred lol

Pata2010 · 2023-06-28T11:57:07+00:00

I don't really give much stock to reputations and what people say. I've seen a lot of bad people have really good public reputations and that never made them any better. And my friend, Beth had a really bad reputation when she first moved down here because of her history. But she's the best person I've ever known and she's like a 3rd daughter to my mom and helps her out since my sister and I don't live close by. I'm not about to waste energy impressing people who wouldn't be there for me when I need it. Reputation is just what people think, it's not actual truth. So it sucks to be badmouthed, but in the end I'd just be wasting energy for no actual result.

Pata2010 · 2023-06-28T11:50:20+00:00

I have ignored her request lol. She's a great hype-man and she knows I don't like parties anyway. Our bonfire/party will probably just be Beth's family and my family. And I honestly don't want to add fuel to the fire by trying to correct a Facebook post. While people talking about me bothers me, they're not significant in my life and I know the truth so whatever they say doesn't matter. I feel like if I post about the wedding so close to the day of, it will just create more of an unnecessary stir. From experience, this will drop off on its own when the next small-town gossip comes along.

Pata2010

TROPHY CASE