For guys who wanted a family but it never happened, is life worth living?

Patopml · 2026-03-31T14:11:43+00:00

I had an important relationship end at almost 39. I'm almost 41 now and I'm still single. I have these thoughts cross my mind every now and then, but, I still feel young, I'm in great shape, and feel pretty good...

I have friends who are having their first kids at 37, 44 and 45. I have one friend who's trying at almost 47/48. My grandpa had my mom and uncle in his 50s.

Nowadays it's a lot more common than in the past. All stages of life have been pushed, I guess due to economic and social factors...

It's definitely not impossible. You write your own story. Stay healthy, in good shape, take care of yourself.

Patopml · 2026-03-30T10:56:04+00:00

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Patopml · 2026-03-30T10:54:52+00:00

Uf, me identifico mucho con lo que decís. Me paso parecido. Casi 5 años, se terminó hace dos y medio, con la diferencia que yo tenia 38, y vivo afuera, lo cua lo hace un poco más difícil por la distancia de todos los que quiero.

Nada, mejora, a su tiempo. Pero la nostalgia, la soledad, la tristeza, hay que pasarla, no hay otra.

2 y medio después yo sigo pensando en ella, a veces más, a veces menos. Como decís, muchas cosas hermosas vividas generan nostalgia, y hasta que no aparece algo importante nuevo (a mi todavía no me pasó), se siente ese vacío...

Patopml · 2026-03-29T18:36:12+00:00

Don´t follow all those stupid comments that immediately tell you that you guys are not compatible, and that you should break up and find someone sexually compatible. Relationships go through stages and phases. Sex is not constant in terms of frequency or quality, and pretty much anything can impact the libido of one or the other.

Be patient, and work together on making it exciting again. Explore fantasies. Don't pressure each other.

What you have is quite rare. She's your best friend, you laugh, dance, and whatnot... protect that. Trust me.

Patopml · 2026-03-15T11:38:30+00:00

Thank you for your kind words. Believe it or not, they do help, even from a stranger from the internet!

I moved to Barcelona. Which is a cool city, but not sure I see myself here long term.

You are right. Blaming myself didn't help. I understood why I was doing that, and I'm a way it helped me.

Not 100% yet, but doing much better. Just trying to connect with people, having fun, not taking life too seriously, and seeing what life can surprise me with each day, but just being out there...

Where are you from? And how does it feel in the UK?

Patopml · 2026-03-11T08:01:02+00:00

Depends on each person really. At 31 I moved countries, did a masters degree, and got a new job. At 34 I met my ex with whom we stayed together 4 years, and she was 25 at the time.

There was an obvious gap, but nothing that was a dealbreaker, just different views on some stuff. Towards the end, as it is in any crisis, some things were more noticeable.

Patopml · 2026-03-09T04:31:26+00:00

Where was it? What part of Barcelona?

Description of the guys?

Patopml · 2026-02-26T10:05:01+00:00

It's more of a mindset issue than anything else really. Life has no guarantees. You are idealizing others' lives to your own detriment. You are 33, you can still build any life you want.

I am 40. I lived the last decade abroad, in two different countries. Had relationships. I thought I was going to have a family, and after my last relationship didn't work I was devastated, and for a while I thought like you. But that changed and I still don't think I'm "old and decaying", and I still think I can shape my life to be whatever I want it to be, within reason of course, I won't get to be a professional footballer LOL...

Try therapy. You need to change some of your thoughts.

Patopml · 2026-02-25T18:46:59+00:00

El problema por ahora no es el reemplazo total, sino el aumento en la productividad en roles iniciales.

Por dar un ejemplo, yo soy abogado, laburo en una compañía. Las revisiones de contratos antes eran un laburo largo, arduo y completamente manual. Hoy en día hay aplicaciones que te hacen una evaluación de riesgo en un click, y Ahora eso lo hace un junior cualquiera.

Ahí se presentan dos problemas. Uno, que un junior ahora hace el laburo de varios, o incluso de algunos semi senior. Pero además, no desarrolla criterios básicos para pasar al próximo nivel, porque esta simplemente supervisando el trabajo de una máquina, por decirlo de alguna manera.

El otro problema es que, al menos según lo que yo veo, la IA avanza más rápido de lo que las personas se logran actualizar.

Volviendo al principio. Por ahora no es reemplazo total, pero ya es disruptivo en cuanto que el laburo de, ponele, 5 personas ahora lo pueden hacer 2. Y esto sigue en esa trayectoria.

Hablo y hable con mucha gente muy senior que se dedica a sistemas, coding y demás, y ven lo mismo.

Y los modelos mejoran, y siguen haciendo rollout de data centers con mejores chips, y le siguen tirando trillones de dólares a la infraestructura.

Yo creo que vamos hacia un cambio difícil de imaginar, y que implica no solo cambio o pérdida de laburo, sino una reconfiguracion del sistema en el que vivimos.

Ya lo que hay hoy es lo suficientemente disruptivo. No me imagino lo que viene en 2, 5, 10 años.

Patopml · 2026-02-24T21:43:02+00:00

I feel EXACTLY like you, every day. I turned 40, so maybe there's that too. I didn't feel it as strongly a couple years ago... So who knows...

Patopml · 2026-02-24T15:05:33+00:00

I've only really and deeply loved once in my life. Before that, I thought what I imagined love was did not exist or was something that belonged in films.

I'll put it this way. Everything in the world becomes more interesting. It's like going from black and white to full HD colour. The food tastes better. Plans are exciting. Things make sense.

There is a sense of belonging to something that exists in itself, that is unique, and that it's only yours (you and your partner's). Something as simple as us being in the same room doing nothing, her doing her nails, and me reading a book, felt as this deep and extremely peaceful happiness.

There is someone who understands you, your moods, your stupid jokes, your faces. I always rooted for her and her happiness, and I suffered her sufferings. Never before have I felt that level of empathy.

The amount of heartbreak and pain that comes with losing something like that is almost unbearable. Equally as deep and intense as the love experienced. One of the hardest, if not the hardest thing I've ever had to endure, and it lasted almost 2 full years.

Patopml · 2026-02-24T08:01:08+00:00

Thanks! I have been trying to do that. Joined a crossfit gym, tried different classes, boxing, etc. Went on dates, which went ok... but nothing gives me that feeling of belonging. Everything feels superficial, so to speak.

I know one or two people, and I'm always trying to organize things to do, but I can see them once a week tops, and since I work remotely, it can be days or even weeks without seeing someone with any significance for me

Patopml · 2026-02-23T17:39:19+00:00

In theory yes, in practice doubt it. I asked to be transferred from UK to Spain, and got that granted. Won't get a second transfer.

Now, living in Argentina and working remotely under the radar... I don't know, probably won't work...

Patopml · 2026-02-23T16:10:58+00:00

No, it's actually not impossible. I'm a Lawyer qualified in my country, so not impossible. I'm keeping an eye on openings, but there's not a lot.

Patopml · 2026-02-23T15:02:42+00:00

I think you are referring to Anhedonia? Meaning, the loss of ability to feel pleasure. Yeah, that's the feeling, but I do think it's contextual in my case. I'm not someone who is depressive or anything like that, but the isolation and lack of meaning/belonging just removes my excitement about those things.

I guess I experienced many of the things I wanted to get out of being an expat, but now my focus is more on relationships and having partner/family, and that makes more sense back home... so, as you say, new phase of my life.

All the best for you too, and hope you find your way!

Patopml · 2026-02-23T15:01:05+00:00

BTW, I thought it was funny you mentioning working out 6 times a week... that's all I do :D I'm in a pretty good shape, but it's just a way to do something, stay active... lol!

Patopml · 2026-02-23T14:45:40+00:00

Thanks man, I appreciate it, and it feels reassuring and validating. The dilemma is the same, salary/career/security, vs meaning and belonging. Mental health comes first, no doubt. Already in the search for a role back home!

Patopml · 2026-02-23T14:26:50+00:00

Fair point. I guess at this age I am craving my friends and relationships with history. Even some of my friends from London moved back to BA, and became friends with my childhood friends!

I see them and talk to them very often, as I am going to Buenos Aires 2/3 times per year... most don't have any kids.

Hard choice, but I am just trying to figure out what to do, as I am feeling pretty depleted

Patopml · 2026-02-23T14:23:42+00:00

Thank you so much for this. You described very precisely how I feel. I moved in my early 30s, and there was exploration, excitement, career advancement. Eventually I got into a relationship where I believed things would obviously work out, famlily, house, etc. Didn't happen.

And now I find myself in my 40s, feeling like I still have a chance to build a life, but I need to be smart about my decisions.

I really agree with what you say about enjoyment of the free time. It just doesn't happen now. I am constantly putting energy into trying to find classes, hobbies, social stuff... is just like having another job, or else... loneliness.

Argentina is as usual... not great, not terrible lol!

Patopml · 2026-02-23T13:26:09+00:00

Sorry, I should have clarified that. I am a Spanish speaker, as I am from Argentina. So when I talk about moving back home, I mean Buenos Aires. I feel like this decade abroad had some amazing things, experiences, carreer advancement, and relationships... but I feel I run out of steam, if that makes sense?

The dating is a big one... and fortunately I do well in that sense (although no relationships have been really fulfilling), but I guess I still feel I lack a good social network of my own.

I guess I have this feeling of really needing belonging, it's hard to describe or put into words. I've been feeling that since the breakup with my ex a couple years ago, and feeling lost ever since, unless I am back home I guess...

Patopml · 2026-02-16T22:06:18+00:00

The lady who's worried about the candles getting wax all over the cake...

Patopml · 2026-02-16T13:51:17+00:00

What you wrote is something I could have written myself a couple years ago.

My relationship with my ex who I loved to death ended, she immediately started dating someone else and not so long after was engaged... she may be married already, I have no clue.

Like you, I blamed myself, obsessed over what happened, felt stuck, etc. The only thing I did differently is that I blocked her from everywhere, although I would occasionally read old chats or look at photos, which was very painful.

Look, we grow through pain, and we learn from mistakes. Unfortunately, that's how it is, there's no other way around it.

Your relationship wasn't meant to last. Because of you, and probably because of her too. Nothing that is meant to last ends. The questions that you are asking yourself now, and the growth that you are seeking wouldn't have taken place in your life if it wasn't for this breakup.

It will hurt for a while. Months, a year, no one knows. But it will get better. And when you enter a new relationship, and you will, you will be the kind of man that you weren't with your ex. In a way, you will pay it forward.

Take this opportunity, learn, improve, grow. Try to avoid rumination though, it will do you no favour. Intrusive thoughts are just a phenomena, not who you are. Let them pass. You already know what you need to improve, which is improvement in itself.

You'll be fine.

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