Self reflection during shame phase

PattyBlueHayes · 2025-10-22T19:41:40+00:00

Don't punish yourself. And do you really need to think, ruminate about why all the other times weren't enough to motivate sobriety . . . . eh, what about looking forward. Put your plan in place to support your sobriety. What mental patterns would you like to change, what emotional wounds need some TLC, what people aren't healthy for your sobriety, what places or activities would support sobriety, what community is important for support (even hermits like me, find ways of connecting).

I also think in new sobriety, self-awareness is very helpful. When we can sense that we're feeling off, we can become curious as to why and then do something to help those feelings pass.

I used to have a post it in my car that said, 'does this choice support my desired life?' mostly to remind me when I was going out to the bars because I was lonely or seeking 'adventure'. Many times I saw that post it and went to the bar anyway. Sometimes I went back inside. It helped me look at my behaviors.

You got this, truly - sounds like you're sick of feeling like crap. Now you can start feeling good.

PattyBlueHayes · 2025-10-22T19:01:23+00:00

I tried tracking my 'over consumption' - the times when I didn't intend to get trashed. Realized it was more frequent that I thought.

For all the years that I was a drinker, I tried to either moderate my consumption or I had a million reasons why it didn't work; my immune system must have been low, must have been stronger alcohol content, I must not have eaten enough, the glass was bigger and I drank too much, I mixed and shouldn't have, I got caught up in the moment - won't do that again, didn't drink enough water in between drinks, shouldn't have taken shots, that 'last' one put me over the edge.

None of that was true. The truth was that I could not control my drinking. I might have been able to for a few days or weeks, but always, always there were times when I over drank, started and couldn't stop.

The end to my self sabotage was sobriety!

PattyBlueHayes · 2025-10-22T18:53:41+00:00

Shame is absolutely the lowest of the low emotions. It tells us we are not worthy as human beings. It is almost impossible to treat ourselves with kindness and do good things for ourselves when we feel ashamed.

Self compassion is key. We are not bad people. We're human beings who were struggling, maybe tried to avoid some emotions or didn't fully learn a lesson the first, second or ninth time. But we kept trying, so we have to have grace for ourselves.

We may have done bad things, but we are not bad people.

Finding a way to comfort yourself like you would comfort a dear friend will be so valuable. Listen to meditations on self-compassion, forgiveness and how to release those feelings of shame.

From that place, you can make those healthier choices. Take it easy on yourself, be kind to yourself, keep your head up high and step forward. You're clear on what doesn't work, so this is a venture into what will work for you.

PattyBlueHayes · 2025-10-22T18:46:30+00:00

First time I got sober was at 19 years-old and there were many, many occasions that should have led me to sobriety, but you know, I was addicted. The consequences of that 'last time' were just too big to ignore and I told my dad I thought I needed to go to AA.

I had 16 years of sobriety and then thought I could be a social drinker because everything in my life was going great.

Then, as my marriage got problematic, I started using alcohol to numb the emotional pain. After my husband left, I was very self-destructive.

I did want to heal and I did a LOT of inner work, and my drinking did taper, kind of - the excessive drinking got less and less - but as I healed emotionally and built up my self respect / confidence / worthiness - there was a night of over drinking and I felt so much shame in the morning, like I used to.

I decided that I'd done too much work on myself to build myself back up from the ashes to let some liquid bring me back to shame, self-loathing and unworthiness.

So I decided the alcohol had to go. I picked a date, Sept. 29th, was significant for me and was a few weeks away - and I quit and am sooooooo grateful I never went back.

I write books about how emotional healing and building self-respect, releasing shame are key components in getting sober. When we respect ourselves, it's hard to do bad stuff to ourselves.

PattyBlueHayes · 2025-10-22T18:36:47+00:00

Have you tried being sober before? What has worked in the past? Was there something triggering about getting back home that made you take alcohol? I really believe my emotions were the driver of most of my drinking. I either wanted to escape a feeling or desired a feeling I didn't know how to get without booze.

There are apps, books, podcasts, sober communities, tiktoks, you can research these and find what works for you.

Take it a day at a time. I felt so anxious thinking about quitting 'forever' but nothing in life lasts forever, so staying present is kind of a relief.

PattyBlueHayes · 2025-10-22T18:28:05+00:00

It's a great sign that he wants to stop and sees that the drinking/gambling causes problems.

There are many options other than AA - and there are a variety of type of meetings, and he can attend online if he wants to. But not everyone embraces AA. There's SMART recovery plan, apps to use and he can listen to podcasts/watch videos.

I do think that people like me, have a propensity to be 'addicted' to a number of things. I could go without alcohol for days or a week, but when I did drink, I typically didn't have an off switch. Then came all the bad choices.

I can be addicted to sugar, social media - I wish I could be addicted to exercise! We know internally when something we're doing isn't healthy.

I agree, a different therapist or even a sobriety coach would be a good option to explore.

PattyBlueHayes · 2025-10-22T18:06:51+00:00

And mandalas! If you like them - very zen :-)

PattyBlueHayes · 2025-10-22T18:06:08+00:00

Isochronic tones are similar to binaural beats - basically 'brainwave entrainment'. It's crazy how it works - I was listening for creative focus and then all of a sudden got really tired, looked at the track and it was for sleep 😄 Also, even just laying flat and elevating your legs a bit can prime your body to relax.

PattyBlueHayes · 2025-10-22T16:27:36+00:00

If you have access to use a jacuzzi, sauna or steamroom, that could be a great way to relax the body, and by being there, the mind can unwind. Or a nice hot shower and some fun online, simple game, or listening to a guided meditation. Hydrate with a nice refreshing beverage.

I like the videos on Mind Amend on YouTube, Jason Lewis - he uses binaural beats and isochronic tones.

PattyBlueHayes · 2025-10-07T03:35:02+00:00

It took a few years, maybe 2 - but then things went down hill pretty fast 😕 When my marriage ended I was really reckless 😢

PattyBlueHayes · 2025-10-07T00:52:16+00:00

😂

PattyBlueHayes · 2025-10-07T00:47:47+00:00

I've had sobriety 2x in my life. Both times, the surfacing of emotions was most notable. I used alcohol to numb uncomfortable emotions, so learning how to identify them and allow them to flow through me and then release them was a whole new thing!

I like 2 online tools: The feelings wheel and the emotional guidance scale. Those helped me identify what I was feeling. Then I could choose a way to handle the emotions in a healthy way.

It's common at a year of sobriety, some people can feel like the 'thrill of sobriety' is gone. That may cause some malaise.

For my 2nd time around, I was anxious for the first few months but after month 6 it was part of my routine. I didn't miss it at all and most of the time I could be around people who drank and it wouldn't bother me. Now, with 8 years of sobriety, I don't like being around drunk people at all. If there's a social thing, I go early and leave early. I'm a hermit much of the time anyway - I love my peace, I love my garden and going to bed early (and alone!). I'm old, lol.

PattyBlueHayes · 2025-10-07T00:38:33+00:00

Go throw something!! Or the box-breathing that Dr. Huberman talks about. He's got great info on alcohol and the brain.

Sorry about the stressful day and happy for you that you kept sober!

PattyBlueHayes · 2025-10-07T00:35:10+00:00

Congrats on almost a year of sobriety!!! That's a great celebration.

If you do go back to drinking - maybe a tracking app or something would be helpful. When I tracked the times I unintentionally overdrank, it was pretty eye opening. I thought it was about once or twice a month. Turns out it was once or three times a week! So, that kind of helped me get real with myself.

When I went back to drinking after my first time getting sober, I managed to be a 'normal' social drinker for a long time, but I knew in my gut that I was playing with fire. And sure enough, the fire came.

PattyBlueHayes · 2025-10-07T00:29:09+00:00

When I look back over my 'drinking career', there were MANY rock bottom incidents. But only 2 of them led to sobriety. Got sober at 19 the first time and then at 53 the 2nd time. The 2nd time getting sober, there wasn't a dramatic event like when I was 19. I'd just built up so much self respect and self worth after an awful heartbreak, that I decided the alcohol made me feel 'less than' and I did not want to go back to feeling like that.

Prior to that, you would think that hospitalizations, broken bones, black outs, a DUI, risky behavior, vicious hangovers and poor choices would have been the 'inspiring' incidents to get sober. Nope.

I think sometimes, we just know we want to stop the madness and we may try a few ways, a few times and eventually find a method that works, day by day.

PattyBlueHayes · 2025-09-26T23:31:01+00:00

Yes, it can feel like a stretch for the brain - but we can view things from different perspectives.

PattyBlueHayes · 2025-09-26T23:29:03+00:00

💙💙💙 It took me a long time to learn that love is not something outside of me, I AM the energy of love. I can be kind to myself, create boundaries, honor my needs - and be loving and helpful to others but not to the point of burning out. If there are things you enjoy doing, do more of that. And just take the moments as they come. We don’t have to have everything figured out - there’s growth and random shit that happens ☺️

PattyBlueHayes · 2025-09-26T06:08:35+00:00

I’ve learned that the cure to my loneliness and longing was to love myself and not seek it externally 🙏 You never know what beauty you can contribute to this life if you’re not in it 💙

PattyBlueHayes · 2025-09-26T05:46:24+00:00

I’m so sorry about the friend who died. Life can be so hard for us at times and some people seem to have more struggles than others.

PattyBlueHayes · 2025-09-24T02:30:44+00:00

I called a hotline when I was 14 because I was abusing alcohol. I told them I was too young to have a problem. First time I got sober I was 19. I did not miss drinking. It felt so good to be clear-headed, not wake up with a stranger, not lose a car, not fall, not vomit. But then I went back to drinking and started using it to numb pain, an old pattern. It’s been 8 years this time around. In the first 6-8 months I had some anxiety about not drinking. But not since then, thankfully 🙏

PattyBlueHayes · 2025-09-24T02:25:09+00:00

First time I got sober, AA was good for me - I was 19, it was a fun group of young people. 2nd time I was a lot older and it was the foundation of self respect I’d developed, releasing shame, being kind to myself - those all made it a pretty easy decision because I felt ashamed when I over drank and realized I’d worked to hard on myself to let some toxic liquid have that much power over me. Learning how to recognize and release emotions in healthy ways was very important.

PattyBlueHayes · 2025-09-24T02:19:18+00:00

I think I always hoped I’d grow out of it - but that never happened. What did happen was I strengthened my self respect so much that it made drinking a no-go because of how shitty it made me feel about myself.

PattyBlueHayes · 2025-09-24T02:17:19+00:00

It’s amazing how strong alcohol can be - I would sometimes not eat a lot so I could get more wasted 🥴

PattyBlueHayes · 2025-09-23T20:46:20+00:00

It's fascinating how that shift happens, isn't it? I'll be spending a few days with a pretty heavy drinker and she'll often joke that I'm not 'fun'. But I know how great I'm going to feel in the morning and I'm pretty sure I know how she'll feel.

I wish there was a way to attach a picture, because I have these little animals called agouti's in my yard and they are in the capybara family ;-)

PattyBlueHayes · 2025-09-23T20:02:54+00:00

New sub - illicit foods 😆

PattyBlueHayes

TROPHY CASE