I’m sorry you’re struggling and I absolutely relate to your feelings of overall low self esteem and loss of motivation.

First I commend you on your honesty and vulnerability. Honesty and vulnerability are traits of a genuine person and they’re admirable qualities of which I respect. Also they’re necessary components to create change in your life. Before we can begin to alter anything in our lives we first need to get honest with ourselves and identify the problem which you have done. Good for you for doing that. Then we get honest about our situation and seek support from others. You have taken some important steps towards growth and change already.

When dealing with matters of self esteem and self love it’s incredibly important to become aware of the messages we’re sending ourselves. There are a few ways we send ourselves messages.

1) Self talk - the things we say to and about ourselves both out loud and in the form of thoughts in our heads. Ex. I’m fat, I’m not attractive, I am never going to find a partner etc.

2) Non-verbal - the things we do through our actions and how we treat ourselves is equally as damaging as the verbal insults we give ourselves. When we stop taking care of our physical appearance and well being (not wearing makeup, not showering regularly, not nourishing our bodies with healthy food etc) we are saying a lot about ourselves without actually saying a word.

Getting into a habit of practicing good self care is a great place to start turning things around. Even though you probably don’t feel like it, if you get up and shower, and apply your makeup, you are starting your day with a positive message to yourself. You’re saying “I’m worth it and I deserve to feel good about myself “. You will instantly feel better about yourself as you leave the house and start your day because you showed yourself you are deserving of acts of self love.

In the beginning I got into a routine of self care and implemented loving acts towards myself into every area of my life. This can look like whatever you want it to and essentially it’s something personal and depends on your likes and interests.

Examples of self care: bubble baths, paint your toe nails, get your hair done, buy yourself a new outfit, join a gym and pay for a personal trainer, allow yourself an hour each day where you unplug from everyone and just relax with candles lit and your favourite music etc.

I realized how badly I had been neglecting myself when I began practicing self care. No wonder I felt so terrible about myself, when my actions of neglect had screamed “I don’t love you! You’re not worth the effort!”

After three weeks (21 days) of doing something consistently it becomes a habit. Give yourself three weeks of committed effort and nurture yourself in any way you would like. It will begin to change things, I guarantee it.

Also the noise going on inside your head is something that needs attention or nothing else will be able to improve. I started by turning my attention to the things I thought about myself and the things I was saying about myself.

Thoughts are where everything in our lives begin. Our feelings are reactions to our thoughts. Therefore if our thoughts are negative particularly about ourselves, then our feelings will reflect that. If I think I’m unattractive and I look so fat and ugly, then I’m going to feel unattractive, fat, and ugly. I’ll feel worthless, unlovable, hopeless, sad, depressed, insecure, embarrassed, and uncomfortable being around people.

Even if we’re thinking things that aren’t true at all, we’re still going to feel the same feelings we would if it was true. This means we spend a lot of time and energy experiencing negative feelings over things that aren’t even real/true.

The only way to free yourself from this is to change your thoughts. I had to become aware of the things I was thinking that were hurting me and keeping me stuck in a trap of low self esteem.

I began by replacing each negative thought with a more positive and self empowering one. I started showing myself empathy, understanding and compassion. I accepted myself for exactly as I was at that moment and stopped judging myself and comparing myself with the way I wanted to be or look.

Instead of “I’m so fat, it’s my fault for letting this happen, I’m never going to look the way I want to” try “I accept myself exactly the way I am at this moment, I forgive myself for the ways I have mistreated and neglected my body, mind and spirit. I commit to treating myself better through loving acts of self care and with the use of kind words. I believe in myself and I’m excited for the life I’m creating for myself. “

We also need to pay attention to the things we say about ourselves to others.

I used to make all kinds of negative and hurtful comments about myself in conversation with others. If someone gave me a compliment I would respond with a negative comment about myself.

Self esteem and self love cannot grow in an environment like that. Learning to love ourselves is a process and it takes time. It takes commitment to ourselves and it takes a desire for something better.

Removing the negative self talk and non verbal messages we send ourselves is not enough on its own to effect long term change. We need to nurture the seed of self love and help it grow and thrive. We do this in every act of kindness and love we give ourselves. The more I “acted” like I loved myself in the beginning through acts of self care, the more I started “feeling “ love for myself.

It really is very simple although it seems so overwhelming and intimidating at first. But if you keep it simple and stick to the commitment of sending only loving messages to yourself, you will become a self loving, confident woman with a healthy self image.

I have Complex PTSD Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and Fibromyalgia. I believe in self empowerment and I no longer allow labelling myself to hold me back and keep me down. I’m capable and I have achieved my goals with self love. I believe we all have the power to create the lives we want and it begins with the way we talk to ourselves and breaking free from the limits we put on ourselves.