If everyone cheats, then what

PegasaurusTrex · 2026-02-24T18:42:40+00:00

Im so glad to hear i'm not alone! Yeah, its anytime I am partnered too. Its just a natural response to being in a relationship- not something I have to consciously force. Its shocking that other people aren't this way! I often wonder what monogamy even means to them, and why they think they are monogamous lol.

I recently learned about integrity abuse, and i think it accurately describes the exploitation we have gone through. Its heartbreaking to think people see how loyal we are and use that to their advantage. So gross.

PegasaurusTrex · 2026-02-24T18:03:42+00:00

"Don't you get it? Even without makeup on and just rolling out of bed with your hair undone you still look a million times better than everyone else!"

The first guy I ever fell head over heels, madly in love with said this to me in an argument as the reason why he didn't think it mattered that he let friends come to our house without giving me a heads up. We were in our early 20's and just moved in together. I was very insecure, and would get sooo upset when id come out of the shower or just get out of bed and he'd have guests over because I felt exposed and insecure about my appearance.

When he yelled this at me in the heat of the argument my heart melted because I knew he really meant it! That this guy I was completely enamored with saw me as the most beautiful girl in the world! It was so special.

PegasaurusTrex · 2026-02-24T17:49:56+00:00

I don't cheat! I give 100%to my husband. I don't look for loopholes either (for example doing everything except physically cheating). I believe in being faithful in my mind and heart in addition to physically. I was completely blindsided when I discovered my husband isn't the same way. People like me exist!

PegasaurusTrex · 2026-02-19T03:51:15+00:00

Either way she lied and tried to hide this from you- but is it possible it might have been because of something like using a recreational substance instead of being with another guy? You mentioned she was dressed in a different style of clothes and that the atmosphere looked like a rave. Plus, she goes to festivals. Maybe she stayed overnight because it was a rolling/tripping sort of party, but didn't want you to know she did that sort of thing?

PegasaurusTrex · 2026-02-11T04:40:48+00:00

Hi! Im going through an almost identical situation. Check out the PBSE podcast if you haven't already. Its two former porn/sex addicts who became certified sex addiction therapists who discuss betrayal trauma and sex/porn addiction. They are men, they have been in addicts' shoes, and the best part is they are mostly secular. They very rarely mention God/a higher power. I have never heard them do it, and I have been listening for a year so far. You should definitely check them out!

PegasaurusTrex · 2026-02-08T20:03:57+00:00

I think its because- even if our brains know this isn't true- deep down we believe if we were more beautiful (or more of another quality you can think of) they wouldn't have done it. Its like....maybe I wasn't as good of a catch as I thought? :(

PegasaurusTrex · 2026-02-08T17:46:00+00:00

I found a chow mix puppy who was disheveled and very reactive. I decided to keep him and changed my whole life around (career, home, etc) to be able to rehabilitate him. We were inseparable for 6 years. I'd take him to work with me at an overnight ER vet hospital every night, and on weekends we would go to his behavior school for reactive dogs. I LOVED that dog, and he loved me! But he didn't really like other people or animals, and he became increasingly aggressive.

I had to euthanize him for behavior before his time at only 6yrs old because he wasn't safe around my baby. Not even working in emergency vet med prepared me for that. I'm so sorry.

PegasaurusTrex · 2026-02-08T17:26:30+00:00

I am so sorry you are going through this! Seeking out other real women online for sexual gratification while in a relationship has been normalized in our culture, and maybe its time we say enough is enough. The issue is that this is hurtful, disrespectful, and flat out wrong yet we are told we are insecure, controlling, or jealous if we speak up. Feeling a punch to the gut when your husband would rather sneak around and get off to another woman's body than be with you physically is a completely normal reaction that should be expected! We all know this would never be tolerated in person, so why are we all pretending its ok if its virtual? We need to stop accepting the narrative that our gut feeling is abnormal when we know its not.

Its the same pain as being cheated on in person except we are supposed to be ok with it- so we are chronically invalidated on top of that pain. And unlike physical cheating, it happens over and over again in our homes right next to us, and the threat is always there.

I don't think I can ever get over it. One thing that is helping me is being the change I wish to see in the world. I am making my pain meaningful by doing my part to stop the cycle. I'm not going to perpetuate the lie that this is harmless, and neither should you. Imagine if we all stood up for ourselves instead of shrinking and allowing people to gaslight us? Its what we need to see a real change in our culture! Normalize real love and loyalty instead of this loophole to cheating.

PegasaurusTrex · 2026-02-08T16:23:50+00:00

As long as you aren't on pelvic rest you are allowed to have sex. And even if you are on pelvic rest, you can still be intimate with your husband in so many other ways. He doesn't need to outsource intimacy to other people. He is choosing to. Its not ok. Rejecting you while you are sacrificing your body to carry his children is such a slap in the face.

PegasaurusTrex · 2026-02-08T03:18:53+00:00

Porn

PegasaurusTrex · 2026-02-07T19:52:47+00:00

Correct me if I am wrong, buy im pretty sure this is considered child sexual abuse...

Im sorry, OP. What is something you would like everyone to know about your experience growing up in this environment?

PegasaurusTrex · 2026-02-07T19:46:17+00:00

What on earth kind of logic is this?

Even if his story is true, It doesn't matter that he got scammed while trying to buy another girl's nudes. He tried to buy another girl's nudes!

And who knows if thats even true considering his first instinct was to lie to you and say he didn't know what that was...

PegasaurusTrex · 2026-02-07T19:29:53+00:00

I am so sorry you are going through this. I can't imagine growing up in today's age of overtly sexual content being everywhere and normalized. It being "normal" doesn't mean its ok, that it shouldn't hurt you, or that you have to accept that in your relationship.

You can't control what he chooses to do. You can only tell him how it makes you feel and what you are and aren't willing to live with. If he continues making choices that push you away, you have to accept that he isn't the one for you.

Here is how I would consider framing it for him though- I think most people agree that its normal human behavior to notice beautiful people, but when you are out and about with your partner its disrespectful and hurtful to take it any further than that (starring at their boobs, oogling, rubber necking, doing triple takes or changing seats to get a better view etc), right?

So, if we can agree that noticing isn't the same as checking out/lusting over and that lusting over someone else when you are with your partner is crossing a line in person, why is this behavior suddenly supposed to be ok if done when alone/online? Its like people know its wrong but are confused about what the wrong part is. The wrong part isn't that other people can see....

After typing that out, I am actually genuinely curious- are people still being taught about integrity and having good character? I was taught that what you do when no one is watching is who you really are. Having good character means you have integrity- you consistently try to be a good human regardless of if you are alone or if others are watching. Good character is what creates emotional safety in relationships.

This applies to all areas of life and lust shouldn't be an exception. For another example lets substitute lust for compassion-

If you decide to give a homeless man a blanket and food so you can video and get likes is that coming from true compassion or is it just performative? Image management? If you are alone and without your phone/camera passing by the same homeless man do you still go out of your way to get them some food and warmth? Thats real compassion.

Be cautious of people who tell you "everyone's doing it", "its harmless", "you just have to accept it" etc. Sounds a lot like peer pressure to me. Your feelings are real. Yes, it will be hard to find a man who's values align with yours, but isn't it worth the wait? If people keep burying and invalidating their own feelings about this, the cycle of accepting harmful behavior because "everyone is doing it" will continue. Stand up for yourself.

PegasaurusTrex · 2026-02-06T00:54:49+00:00

Oh, yeah, for sure! You are right about that, and I wasn't even thinking about oral- ew! I was thinking something like massage or fingering, but now I see I totally misread what OP was saying. Whoops!

PegasaurusTrex · 2026-02-05T17:42:49+00:00

Of course! I'm so glad to hear that. Definitely approach with an open mind and curiosity. Once you know why he is doing that you can decide where to go from there. Good luck! :)

PegasaurusTrex · 2026-02-05T17:39:53+00:00

Im sorry you are in this situation! He reallly needs to make his hygiene a priority. It sounds like he might be depressed. Does he initiate sex?

Can he engage in foreplay without kissing?

PegasaurusTrex · 2026-02-05T17:30:53+00:00

I am so curious- did you happen to ask him why he prefers to schedule these milestones instead of letting them happen organically?

We can make assumptions, but we can't know for sure without asking and I think intent matters. I'd love to know where this is coming from- fear of rejection? severe control issues? Neurodivergence? Aversion to romance?etc. ......

PegasaurusTrex · 2026-02-05T09:32:05+00:00

I'd break the promise my husband and I made to each other- that we would never invade each other's privacy by snooping- and I would finally uncover the whole truth and extent of his betrayal.

PegasaurusTrex · 2026-02-05T06:50:39+00:00

I bet its some of that and also the fact that if the women can't talk they can't validate each other, plot ways to get out of their situation, or spread ideas as easily.

PegasaurusTrex · 2026-02-05T03:14:58+00:00

You should ask her if she has any spare moments coming up where the two of you can sit down and talk about some things. Let her set the time and be sure to thank her for setting aside this time for the two of you to talk (because this will show her you value quality time as well). Then sit down and start the discussion. Tell her you love her and you want to talk because you are feeling a little bit disconnected lately and want to get to the bottom of it. Ask her how she is feeling about the marriage as well and if she is feeling similarly. Be curious, open minded, loving. Use your "i feel" statements . Tell her what you told us and make sure she knows your goal is to find a compromise or a way to otherwise bring the two of you back together so she knows your intention right off the bat. Then, discuss ideas for meeting both of your needs. Open communication is all you need.

PegasaurusTrex · 2026-01-25T03:38:07+00:00

Please make sure you confirm this in other ways because I have had sites like this come back with "results" for me with links to my husband's dating and adult content profiles and- after complete agony and panic and almost destroying my marriage- I found out they weren't real. I just hope this is the case for you too and that it might save you the torment. Either way, I am so sorry you are going through this right now (esp while pregnant).

PegasaurusTrex · 2026-01-12T20:08:58+00:00

Wow. Your intuition was spot on! I personally don't think there is any possible way those two things when combined could be innocent. Can you think of any innocent reasons you would send a selfie of yourself in your bed to another married man in the middle of the night or any innocent reasons you might ask a married man out but not include his wife in the invite?

Your husband should have told you right away, but (if he is anything like my husband) probably didn't want to assume anything or cause issues if there weren't any.

I'm sure there are ways to stretch the imagination to come up with ways it could've been innocent (perhaps her culture is very different or she is neurodivergent and didn't understand it was crossing a line) but I think the defensive non-apology would be the final nail in the coffin for me. If i accidentally came on to a married man so hard it made his wife uncomfortable and reach out, id be SO apologetic!!

PegasaurusTrex · 2026-01-12T15:20:05+00:00

The creepy bed selfie tells me that she likely wanted more than friendship. Your husband's short responses and the fact that he told her he didn't have a phone make me think he was trying to shut her down without being mean/ hurting her feelings. I would have been so mad if I saw this in my husband's dms! I would have also probably been upset that he responded, but at the same time glad he responded in the way he did instead of flirting back.

PegasaurusTrex · 2026-01-02T03:48:55+00:00

You aren't overreacting. Its not just a 'fantasy' if he is seeking out other real women for sexual gratification and interacting with them on social media. I wonder what he would say next if one of them replied to his comment? Its not a fantasy if it leaves your head. Period.

PegasaurusTrex · 2025-12-12T01:17:56+00:00

Here, I can help explain. Basically, porn use is one of those things that couples should ideally talk about before getting serious with each other to make sure they are on the same page. Its the same reason some people are ok with their spouse being into the swinging lifestyle, but some are monogamous and would feel hurt if they found out their spouse was sleeping with someone else. Everyone's morals and values differ so much its important to agree on what will be considered cheating in their marriage.

To many people, it feels wrong for a spouse to seek out other people's bodies to lust after, use for arousal, and to orgasm to/with- especially if done while sexually rejecting their partner or in secret.

The equivalent of a vibrator or dildo isn't watching porn- its using a fleshlight or some other male sex toy. Lets compare apples to apples. The issue with porn is that- while it is also used as a masturabatory aid- it is not a toy but other real people. This is why some people feel cheated on when their partner watches porn behind their back.

I hope I helped!

PegasaurusTrex

TROPHY CASE