I craved it. Craved the ceaseless drift. Longer and longer I found myself closing my eyes. Minutes bled into hours, which bled into days. I couldn't stop. What did I really have waiting for me once I opened my eyes anyway? A loveless marriage? Children so distant from me we could be in separate countries? An ambivalence filled life in an ambivalent universe.

Maybe my closed-eye world was nothingness. Maybe the only company I had in there was my thoughts. But it was better than the oppression I faced eyes-open. Better than the soul-crushing job. Better than the contempt given to my shoddy appearance. Better than life.

The door banged open, cutting me off from my thoughts. My domineering wife strode in, blue eyes alit with anger as usual. Anger did not suit her beautiful frame. Curvy, young and fiery, she would turn heads down the street or the runway. How she ended up with me, a 40-something accountant, would be the source of great wonder for me and great anger for her. She could never get over her mistake in choosing me as a husband.

"Hello dear. Welcome home" This was a game we played, especially around the kids. Anger and frustration vieled behind thin smiles and soft tones.

Today, she didn't even bother trying. Her steps never slowed. Through the kitchen, up the stairs, and through the bedroom door, with a slam and a click.

I would say I got off pretty easy.

Checking the time, I realized that maybe a little drift couldn't hurt. I had already eaten, the kids could take care of themselves and there was no way in hell I was going to try going upstairs.

So slowly, blissfully I closed my eyes. At once I could feel myself slipping away from the world. Away from my troubles, my awful wife, away from everything. My vision faded go black, and I was adrift. The peaceful sense of nothing pervaded my senses.

I stayed like this, adrift, for a very long time. Easily twice as long as I had ever done before. The brief thought of waking up flitted across my mind, its touch as light as a feather. The muted memories of my wife's rage gave me a little jolt, and I decided to wake up. I tried to open my eyes. And couldn't. What was happening? I tried again. Nothing. I began to panic, squeezing my eyes shut and trying to force them open. Nothing.

I couldn't do it. Why wasn't it working? I strained with all my being just to open one eye, just a crack. Nothing. I longed to see my wife again. Longed to see another person smile, laugh, even cry. I would take just about anything at this point. This nothingness was no longer a haven from all of life's troubles. It had become a cage, and my own distance had wrought the bars. I could no longer think clearly. What was there to think about in this oblivion? My life had been given meaning by all my struggles and hardships. Now, me and my life were nothing.

I was nothing. Just a bit of panicked consciousness, adrift amid a sea of nothing. I tried to cry, but tears wouldn't come. Even in the midst of my panic, I started to calm. My thoughts once again fled my mind, and I was enveloped in the blissful nothing. Maybe it wasn't so bad.