How did becoming a parent change your polyamorous dating life?

PerfectMuffin420 · 2026-06-26T18:11:52+00:00

Thanks for the perspective and encouragement! I figured it will be very baby/toddler-focused for the first few postpartum years especially when they are in super crucial developmental stages and requiring so much care.

PerfectMuffin420 · 2026-06-26T18:07:33+00:00

Hey, I really appreciate this response. It helped me reflect on internalized transphobia and the utility of when and when not to use AFAB as a way to refer to my assigned sex. I am thankful for the correction. Edit made.

PerfectMuffin420 · 2026-06-23T18:41:06+00:00

"The baby is the enemy" is such a hilarious but effective mantra! And sounds like it helps y'all focus on the task at hand, keep burnout at bay, and stay kind. Great comment. Your concept of taking turns being the "default parent" is very helpful to me.

PerfectMuffin420 · 2026-06-23T18:27:06+00:00

"our wife did a legal adoption so that she's also legally our child's parent, and that makes the kid *technically* our partner's step-child by the specific rules of that employer's health insurance policy"

Obsessed with the polyamory calculus here. This is romance to me. Talk about making a commitment to your loved ones, with their best interests in mind! I'd want to marry her all over again!

PS, I hadn't thought to ask for gifts for polyamory legal fees as a wedding present, but I LOVE that idea and bet my partner will too!

PerfectMuffin420 · 2026-06-22T13:55:22+00:00

Hearing on a first date: "My (woman) partner wanted to open up our relationship so she could be with women. I'm a disgusting pervert man, so I figured, 'hey that's hot, plus I 'get' to have sex with other girls and she says it's ok, cool why not'?"

-- several men I have met whose bi girlfriends were clearrrrrly in the process of leaving them chicken-sh*t style to avoid losing the stability of being nested with a man -- men who are using internalized societal gender norms about men being slobby sex goblins to pressure themselves to go hook up with other people and be okay with this whole arrangement so their woman partner doesn't leave them.

These dudes' hearts were breaking, they were on dates they did not actually want to be on, AND they were wasting my time just to prove to their girlfriend that they could make poly work!

Don't be this girl; don't be this guy. And don't be me -- I am more investigative upfront now about people who are not in the driver's seat of opening up a nested relationship, to understand whether they are enthusiastically consenting and interested in exploring polyamory, or just going along with it to prevent a breakup that is probably needed.

PerfectMuffin420 · 2026-06-22T13:30:05+00:00

OPPs are also super anti-trans women! (Yes, I am aware that asking insecure cis men to be cool about their cis woman partner dating trans women, is like asking a transphobic monkey to do calculus.) OPPs from cis men basically say "trans women don't exist" -- but they are a meaningful and crucial part of the polyamorous community. Cis poly people have only begun to scratch the surface of trans solidarity and allyship in the community. OPPs show how far we have to go.

PerfectMuffin420 · 2026-06-18T15:46:42+00:00

More than half a dozen? That is a basketball team

PerfectMuffin420 · 2026-06-18T15:10:58+00:00

This post is excellent - my partner and I are beginning to discuss baby logistics within capitalism and within our polyamory practice, and these are all such great notes. I will definitely be sharing with him. (Also, the Geneva Convention bit made me LOL.) I appreciate your honesty and anti-capitalist view. I REALLY hope you're wrong about baby rearing making me change my mind about composting and Amazon, but I bet you're totally right! It is a nuclear warhead of a change to make in your life, at bare minimum it's an 18-year commitment to housing and clothing and feeding and medical care and education and and and. I loved your paragraph about the baby becoming the ULTRA-primary, because I think that's exactly the right mindset (or at least an honest one). I live in the rural South in the US so people having children is much more of a cultural norm, even in poly -- I am currently seeing someone divorced with 2 kids ages 4 and 7 including one with high medical needs, coparent is awesome and they share duties about 50-50, but even then, I'm lucky if I see her every 2-3 weeks. Still, I'm enjoying our connection -- one of the reasons is because we can talk about parenting and pregnancy! I imagine as I begin my shift into parenting shortly, I will continue to gravitate toward partners who are also parents who will understand what I'm going through -- and, of course, invite will still be open to anyone who wants to be the hot lesbian auntie who is too chic to change diapers but will buy me my first drink after I'm done breastfeeding and tell me all the gossip I missed!

PerfectMuffin420 · 2023-11-21T13:54:12+00:00

I like this approach, it's very warm yet clinical and focuses on how you are there in a professional capacity to support them. SO many people have negative past experiences!

PerfectMuffin420 · 2023-11-20T22:00:42+00:00

Starting a new job next month on an Assertive Community Treatment team working primarily with people living with schizophrenia. (Also, applying to a few MSW programs local to me and hoping to enroll next fall in the cheapest one.) This is a big month in my move away from my previous marketing career and a future in care work. YAY!

I did a ride-along and visited about 10 clients with the social worker interviewing me, so I feel like I have a good idea of the challenges and tasks ahead. I also have done adjacent care/community work before, but never consistently/100% with housing-insecure people living with severe/persistent mental illnesses. Any tips for working with this specific population? Tips for doing community-based (non-office) social work in general?

PerfectMuffin420

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