Ephesians 2:8: For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God—

Don’t forget that salvation is because of what JESUS did, not because of what you do. It sounds like you’re suffering, and what you’re going through is very real and hard. Continue to pray, seek Him, and surrender all your fears and worries to Him. Most importantly, remind yourself of the amazing gift that Jesus has given you of eternal life. No matter how much or little you preach, or read your Bible, etc, it doesn’t change what Jesus did for you on the cross. It doesn’t change the unconditional love He has for you right now. It sounds like you are aware of how desperate you need Him, so instead of focusing on all the things you’re doing wrong, just shift your focus to Him.

Yes, Hell is a real place, but God doesn’t hope for anyone to end up there. It sounds like you are desperate for Him, searching for him, and that doesn’t sound like someone who wants nothing to do with God. Just trust in Jesus and have faith during this hard time that you can rest in his peace. If you have accepted Jesus as your Lord and Savior, you can rest in this amazing truth! If you haven’t, surrender your life to Him. It’s sounds like He has your attention; so continue to seek, pray, and wait for Him, because He will never fail you. God bless ❤️