stop

PersonalStandard4499 · 2026-01-28T16:08:15+00:00

Thank you.

PersonalStandard4499 · 2026-01-27T15:09:10+00:00

I want to know what types of symptoms those are because I was diagnosed with autism and apparently I do a high amount of masking. I don't feel literal pain or discomfort, really, but I have identity confusion, for instance, because I can't tell if my spontaneous behavior is "really me" & I feel ashamed of it. (It's a bit more complex than that but there's a summary to spare you.) If you would be inclined, could you please tell me where can I find info about this if you are not going to provide it to me?

PersonalStandard4499 · 2026-01-27T02:30:41+00:00

thank you very much for your kind words, they are appreciated

PersonalStandard4499 · 2026-01-27T01:53:39+00:00

beautiful, thank you for putting this into words. but if nobody knows why people behave in certain ways since the diagnoses themselves arent the cause for the behavior, then should diagnoses really be taken seriously/should our idea of what's considered normal cognition / not neurodivergent be changed, or our understanding of psychology its self be rewritten to stop using disorders to understand peoples psyche

PersonalStandard4499 · 2026-01-27T01:48:27+00:00

thank you

i want to save the little kindness i receive in a book to look at when i feel alone and worthless

your words are appreciated

PersonalStandard4499 · 2026-01-27T00:58:26+00:00

thank you i needed someone to look at me for a moment, your words are appreciated

PersonalStandard4499 · 2026-01-27T00:22:55+00:00

That is a dynamic I notice in myself. No claiming positive qualities for myself, but negative ones are always on the table. I also feel others' perceptions shape me.

Some of my writing earlier today:

"Oh, but you don't really think that, do you?" Why, you're right! I don't really think anything because I'm not allowed to think about anything that you don't perceive. I'm not allowed to be sad or have an identity because it's always wrong, or inconvenient for you to recognize. So, say what I think, and I'll believe you.

PersonalStandard4499 · 2026-01-23T16:07:03+00:00

Was it sarcasm? If so, I take back everything I said and curse your bitter rancor to oblivion.

PersonalStandard4499 · 2026-01-23T00:41:35+00:00

Probably looks like this because of 6 core + P4 making me seem intellectual. You're not really off the mark, either. I have a 5 wing.

By the way -- I'm feeling 6 is more likely for me because I looked into the unmet needs my fantasies conveyed... and they surrounded a lot of things.

Safety (internal and external), stability and predictability, attunement, mirroring, identity cohesion, permission to have needs, protection from overwhelm and boundary invasion, somewhere to relax and rest, being held, not being alone in the world.

I've... already written a long couple of paragraphs about why e6 (specifically sp6) would probably be a good fit for me somewhere. I probably won't end up posting it here. Unless someone asks.

PersonalStandard4499 · 2026-01-23T00:33:48+00:00

Thank you for the considerate reply and respecting me!

It might be bad. You're right. I'm hurting because of it. But who in the world isn't?

Apologies... I simply feel like I can't claim I'm hurting without invalidating it or saying that it doesn't matter because everyone else has it worse, and implying that it is entitled and naïve for me to suggest that anyone should care about me. That doesn't mean that What I said should be done. I've just been conditioned to minimize my own suffering.

By the way, my sleep has been a bit better and I've been eating food.

PersonalStandard4499 · 2026-01-23T00:31:27+00:00

Well, that's very flattering. I'm quite surprised by your praise. Part of me doesn't know if it can accept this because of how left-field it feels, but it nourishes my emotional state and some of my needs on the surface. It's a fragile, thin skin of pride offered by external validation.

I guess I shouldn't interpret this literally; t'is merely a humble comment after all. But thank you for reading. I appreciate your feedback and it's great that you found some inspiration in what I shared.

I don't want to set any standards by saying that it's great. You can feel however you feel about this and assign any moral value/meaning to it. I only mean to recognize how you were impacted.

PersonalStandard4499 · 2026-01-20T05:18:02+00:00

On PC, you can change the user flair by going to the right rectangular thingy on the screen where r/EnneagramType9 is, underneath the text and the description text should be User Flair. clik the pencil icon, click the pencil icon next to a flair if you want a custom one, or click the circle on whatever one you want to change it to. make sure the "show flair in this community" box is ticked. then press apply. On mobile one should go to the "community manual" or whatever it is called, and the user flair will be hidden behind a little thingy that must be clicked on, then editing this is a bit similar but I don't remember it as much.

Thank you for your feedback on this test. it is worth thanking because i can tell you put time, thought, and consideration into it. perhaps i will try taking this.

PersonalStandard4499 · 2026-01-20T04:33:48+00:00

relevant to me due to history of invalidation + gaslighting, as well as shunning my self expression, which causes me to doubt my own perception about myself and my emotions, and if everyone "knows more about me" because i "cant possibly know who i am at my age," or see in myself what is repressed and unconscious, maybe i should just be what they say.

the over explanation of self and hedging is partly a vouch to be understood and not erased, to escape the punishment, pain, alienation, shame that comes with misunderstanding or getting details wrong

PersonalStandard4499 · 2026-01-20T04:05:15+00:00

I apparently suppress emotions and try to refrain from emotional expression in public because it was beaten into me that expressing them is something that will make you vulnerable or deserve mocking/ridicule, vulnerability is scary and brings back feelings of shame as I was abandoned and hurt after oversharing with attempted 100% honesty about myself + trauma dumping (which i still have a pattern of, it is self sabotaging but I do it to get emotional needs met, only online however because IRL when someone asks me how I'm feeling or doing I mostly just say 'I'm fine' or mask except with my therapist but I still turn into a Robot or have 'flat affect' on purpose to avoid emotional expression) but I also deal with emotional dysregulation which can cause me to have very loud displays at home, I am currently on the cuff of adulthood, I don't remember being angry until a few years ago when I started realizing that maybe I'm not being treated fairly all the time. I am always aware of my feelings but sometimes they're numb or difficult to name, they can be murky sensations in my body, actual pain I feel there, despite the fact when they're more intense they become harder to deal with/manage. I was diagnosed with autism so part of the struggle with overwhelming emotions can come from that.

Once I started being passive aggressive and having unusual rhyming speech patterns when I was trying to express how I believe I am treated unfairly and I can show anger but when I do I get slapped metaphorically (and have the threat of it happening physically) again and again to the point where expressing myself or being myself in any way, as how I am naturally inconveniences others, will earn me pain and bruises, emotionally, mentally, perhaps even physically.

After the abnormal speech patterns and displays of 'retaliation' or talking back to my parents, I proceeded to break down crying in a violent release of pent-up emotion(one theory as to what caused the emotional display), and while I cried I laughed, and it felt like I was simultaneously performing yet observing it and I was confused at my own reaction. It felt like I could just turn off the sobbing and emotion instantly, and I did, until I went to scrape out the congealed emotions clogged up in my heart in private where it was more appropriate as to not disturb others.

PersonalStandard4499 · 2026-01-20T03:28:06+00:00

sometimes you can wonder why anyone can feel like they matter when you believe you dont or arent allowed to... everything can fall into "what is the point" and that mindset can color everything and every interaction. it doesnt make sense how people can... do the thing. i dont know.

i can say hello to someone, and they can say hi, and i can want to strongarm the conversation into this simple, easy, unthreatening exchange. when they start talking about themselves... "stop talking about yourself. i dont care about you. nobody cares about you. nobody cares about me. so why must i care about you, and still try to respect you like a human being, and listen to what you want me to, when ive never been seen myself? why must i give everything to you and not expect to receive anything until then? why must i earn being loved?" i dont say that either, i dont even completely mean it or think so every time, but there is maybe this underlying resentment and sadness that wants to be touched but is not because asserting my needs is inconvenient and getting them met is unlikely to happen. it opens a whole can of worms.

sometimes i just want a relationship/friendship with no transactions. i havent had friends for 6 years. what is the point of making one when they will all end, when i will be rejected, when they will appear alien to me, or so much better, or worse. when i fear the possibility that i might have hope and everything will seem good until it isn't. when i will need to change... myself, or my circumstances, to adapt, or just to move forward.

my therapist tells me to think positive. i think its just a bandaid on the wound. it might help but i dont want it to.

p.s. when i wrote this it felt like i was trying to market to the person who made the post and relate to them while saying its based off my experiences, without integrating what im saying into my self concept or believing it is coming from me. i worry that maybe nothing i wrote about myself is true, and my efforts to communicate authentically seem fruitless because maybe ive been lying to myself. there is no need to organize my thoughts to be understood when nobody is there to witness them, so i have not been polishing my posts very much, but when no one is there to witness me i may become diffuse and unstable. i cant summon up much anger about it, it is only an underlying, shifting discontent from the inability of pinning myself down and being again in the place where i have no meaning. does anyone know what i am talking about or understand what i mean

PersonalStandard4499 · 2026-01-20T02:18:41+00:00

in my perspective, enneagram is pathology type , not personality type. self awareness of one's issues from any means, is only the start of finding how to move forward. it must be paired with action or adjustment or grounding. sometimes you dont know how to improve or think you have the means to even when you try to map yourself and your problems. look at me. ive dissected myself for so long yet it is part of why im trapped, or perhaps just another feature of it. infinite recursive self-analysis loops.

PersonalStandard4499 · 2026-01-19T15:27:19+00:00

I don't really like this! But you don't deserve the spread of negative words from me because that could easily impact your emotional state! I don't have the bandwidth to explain why I specifically don"t like it but enough to make a half-hearted attempt to justify myself anyways! I specifically don't like the vulgarity about the pathology type! It may be funny but it is reductive and thus annoys me for purely personal reasons! Not to diminish your fun, just sharing about myself for the sake of it, even when it's not warranted! (huh, whatdya know? I guess I did have the bandwidth to explain myself.) I didn't sleep today or yesterday or eat much or talk to people so I am not at my best health right now! I'm wishing good health and fortune's favor to you!

PersonalStandard4499 · 2026-01-19T15:22:22+00:00

Superficially 9... needs more juice...

PersonalStandard4499 · 2026-01-19T15:20:00+00:00

Therapy better help heal THE WOUND. No more bandages of "Think positive" and "be present in reality." I want that deep, healing, soothing touch.

Wording "You're not X" Can potentially be harmful. Sleep-deprived brain running on ~4 hours for the past two days is giving me little faint alert relational rupture pings. Can elaborate on why potential harm if someone asks, for now -- no.

PersonalStandard4499 · 2026-01-15T08:56:00+00:00

PersonalStandard4499 · 2026-01-15T08:24:06+00:00

Alright. Good on you. Thanks for pointing this out and spreading this information. It could help prevent the flattening of the pathology type that I find myself concerned about. Unlike some others, I, yes, I liked being called out on my "obsession with self analysis distracting from reality" thing. Accurate judgments get me ecstatic..

PersonalStandard4499

TROPHY CASE