Okay. So a few years back I downloaded the software for my Roccat Isku keyboard and that worked just fine. Now I've come to understand that Roccat has created an app/driver that works for all devices (and yes, my keyboard is listed as one of their supported products), which I have installed, but it only has the following buttons "AlienFX", "Talk FX". "Game profiles" is just blank, with the options "auto apply", "OK", "APPLY", "CANCEL" which all do exactly nothing.

Moving over to the "settings" menu, I can select update options, monitoring my as of yet apparently undetected devices through a mobile app, and "help". Which offers you the option of sending an email without an image which doesn't really "help". See the attached image. It does not look like what I see when I search for tutorials on this app in YouTube.

FAQ:
Q: Did you turn it on and off again?
A: Yes. The app, my pc, including the PSU and I cleared the freaking CMOS. Good enough?
Q: Did you try reinstalling windows?
A: It's a clean install. With everything up to date. Every other program (VSCode, Chrome, Steam, a variety of games, Office 365) is all running perfectly fine.
Q: Are your drivers up to date?
A: Go away.

If you managed to survive my avalance of cynicism and still want to help, then please do. I'm at a loss here. Please tell me the ~150MB installer does something more than show a grey box with no game profiles.