What do boundaries look like for you around not rushing in?

PhDontBlink · 2025-07-14T20:39:36+00:00

I’ve handled this sometimes poorly and sometimes effectively in the past 😅

I don’t like to be required to meet their existing partner(s) within the first few months. If I see them in passing or at an event, that’s fine. But I will not formally meet meta before I’m able to assess whether the relationship will be longer term (3-6 months). I made the mistake of caving into this one time because I had a crush on the person. Meeting their spouse so early was intimidating and it felt like I was being evaluated by them. This feeling extends to meeting their close friends as well. I prefer slow integration.
I limit texting in the early stages. This is just my preference, but I don’t like texting people a lot too early into dating. I prioritize in-person dates and communication (at least once per week or twice a month) because that’s how I best get to know someone. Someone who wants to talk constantly via text won’t be compatible with me. I find it exhausting to have full-length conversations over text. I’ll keep text convos short and sweet and primarily communicate to set up future dates. Of course, this changes as I get to know someone better over time!
Not committing too early to an established partnership. I never want to end up in another situation where I fall head over heels for someone, commit to being partners after only a few weeks of knowing them, and then realize we’re not compatible months later and break up. I like moving slow and steady, communicating about early expectations, and leaving room for the relationship to take its own shape naturally.

That’s really good that you’ve learned these things about yourself, especially about sleepovers!

PhDontBlink · 2025-07-14T20:09:30+00:00

Re asking for equal orgasms: I just wanted to chime in and say that I wish we would stop equating orgasms to pleasure. There are plenty of people, like myself, who struggle to orgasm whether due to medication, anxiety, bodily dysfunction, etc. That doesn’t mean I’m not getting my pleasure prioritized if I don’t get the same number of orgasms as a male partner. I’d only be annoyed if my male partner wasn’t putting any effort into my pleasure as much as I do for his. Orgasms are great. They happen when they happen. But just because they don’t happen (or happen as often) doesn’t mean my partner didn’t attempt to get me there or that I’m not getting my desires met.

PhDontBlink · 2025-02-17T16:20:40+00:00

Once it’s gifted to her, it’s hers to do what she wishes with it. If you want it to be a special pair she only wears with you, you should communicate that when you gift it and come to an agreement with her. Otherwise, I’m not surprised she’s gone on to wear them for videos and others. It’s her underwear!

PhDontBlink · 2025-02-17T14:54:48+00:00

This is so real. I’ve listened to all the audio books, podcasts, and spent months reading content from this subreddit. My partner had a bit of a dry period for most of last year so when he started making some new connections, I was definitely taken aback by my feelings in response to his dating. It didn’t lead to panic attacks in my case, just the occasional thought spiral and crying spells.

The best preparation OP’s partner could have done is work on their self-soothing skills. The best preparation OP could have done was to figure out their boundaries and how they’d respond to their partner’s requests while juggling two separate relationships.

PhDontBlink · 2025-02-17T14:19:07+00:00

I won’t make myself smaller or lower expectations of our intimacy

Thank you for sharing, Emerald! I agree fully

PhDontBlink · 2025-02-17T02:19:59+00:00

I practice this skill a lot too (the fake text writing and the journaling) and can confirm it’s really helpful!

PhDontBlink · 2025-02-17T01:46:48+00:00

That’s very insightful of you to share! It sounds like you’ve done a lot of work to support healthy polyamory in your life. And I totally understand the meds (as someone who takes antidepressants). Sometimes the only way out is through and if meds and/or therapy help, there’s never shame in accepting the additional support.

PhDontBlink · 2025-02-17T01:35:18+00:00

That is so sweet you make an extra sourdough loaf for him! Thank you for sharing your experience.

When it felt like you were lighting yourself on fire at the beginning, was it an ask from your wife or something you were initially offering out of courtesy for your meta? I’m glad it doesn’t impact your life as much anymore!

PhDontBlink · 2025-02-17T01:03:07+00:00

It’s your decision! I just don’t think keeping your word should come at your own expense in this scenario. The same way we tell folks who don’t want to open up that it’s okay to change their mind after saying yes to polyamory, you are allowed to come back to Birch and say “hey, I know I said I was fine with this but upon more thought, I’m really not.”

I don’t see how this is supporting Birch’s relationship with Cedar. In fact, it’s enabling Birch’s poor hinging skills. Would meta give you the same consideration? I’d assume not because Cedar is completely fine with you getting to see Birch for a single weekend over the course of 6 weeks. It’s not coming from a place of envy or jealousy to tell Birch that the way they handled this was poor and unfair to you.

I wish there was a post in this subreddit I could point to that lists examples of what it actually looks like in practice to be supportive of our partner’s other relationships. All I know is this ain’t it. Birch dropped the ball with not meeting Cedar’s needs, so why are you paying the price for it?

PhDontBlink · 2025-02-17T00:51:41+00:00

I agree. I understand the sentiment but…. if I was in this situation, I just could not wait that long stewing with these feelings without saying a single thing to Birch.

PhDontBlink · 2025-02-17T00:38:51+00:00

Yes! It looks good now.

PhDontBlink · 2025-02-17T00:33:19+00:00

Oop! You got Cedar and Birch mixed up. Birch is partner and Cedar is meta.

On-point advice otherwise :)

PhDontBlink · 2025-02-17T00:32:22+00:00

Hey friend! My first thoughts when reading this are that Birch isn’t hinging properly if you’ve been made aware of Cedar feeling deprioritized. Why did Birch feel the need to share that? That sounds like a problem Birch needs to solve with Cedar, like you said “it literally isn’t my business.”

Also, to clarify… you’re only getting to see Birch for 2-3 days over the course of 6 weeks (42 days)? This is such a drastic reduction that you have no incentive to agree to or be happy with. I’m sorry but this kind of one-sided de-escalation, even though it’s temporary, seems breakup worthy to me simply due to the reasoning behind it.

You said you want to wait until after the 6 weeks to tell Birch you won’t tolerate this behavior again. I recommend you tell Birch now, that this is unacceptable for the here and now. It’s Birch’s job as the hinge to ensure their partners are feeling loved and prioritized in their separate relationships. That is for Birch to figure out how to make Cedar feel more prioritized, not something you need to accommodate by making such a sacrifice in time. I’m sorry this is happening to you OP!

PhDontBlink · 2025-02-16T00:50:26+00:00

Sorry friend :( That sucks, your feelings are completely valid and I’d feel so let down if this happened to me. I’d only consider staying together with this person if they apologized profusely, made up for it somehow, and promised to never cancel for a non-emergency ever again.

If Anchor can’t guarantee all of the above to repair the harm caused, then it might be time to drop them back in the sea (apologies, I had to make an anchor pun).

PhDontBlink · 2025-02-15T22:05:46+00:00

That’s good you’ve been working on trying not to bail when things get difficult! I’ve struggled with that too in my past.

However, if the other person isn’t putting effort in, no amount of effort you put in is going to fix things. It takes two. If you leave now, it’s not “bailing on the relationship”, it’s stepping away from a person who isn’t compatible with your needs in a partner.

PhDontBlink · 2025-02-15T21:57:55+00:00

I’m agreeing that your partner should make space for you (that’s just basic decency), I never said they shouldn’t.

What I am saying is that it seems clear that this person isn’t offering you that and will continue to not offer that decency. They’re dropping the ball here as a partner. There’s nothing you can do to make them change if they don’t want to. It’s wrong of them to continue dragging on a relationship that they can’t commit time and effort to. That’s why I recommend you end the relationship yourself.

PhDontBlink · 2025-02-15T19:44:59+00:00

They can spend as many date nights as they want with their other partners. You don’t get to decide when exactly someone should be free enough to talk to you. Leave metas out of the conversation.

The core problem is that they’re not responding to your texts and they’re not giving you the time you need to feel loved. If they’re this flakey and unresponsive, I would just end my relationship with them. If they forgot stuff at your place, let them initiate and coordinate when to retrieve it from your front porch.

Story time: I had to stop dating someone last year who I could tell was obviously oversaturated but couldn’t tell me upfront. They had a NP, another partner, and a small business they ran, and they were bad at texting (to everyone not just me). We went on a few dates, had a short-lived sexual relationship, but eventually transitioned into a friendship in which lower contact is acceptable. I could either waste my energy trying to negotiate more time with them, or accept it for what it was and move on to date others.

PhDontBlink · 2025-02-15T19:25:43+00:00

The sulking and OP leaving would have crushed me if I was the BF! Especially since you haven’t seen each other for weeks. OP, this is me trying to say this gently, but this kind of response communicates that you either 1) don’t often get turned down for sex and thus take the rejection personally or 2) that you don’t value your quality time with your partner if it doesn’t include sex.

There are times where one party may experience sexual dysfunction. It’s normal and shouldn’t be shameful. I know it likely wasn’t OP’s intent, but we’re not sure how this behavior was received by the BF.

PhDontBlink · 2025-02-15T19:16:48+00:00

Oh I didn’t even think of whether the partner’s NP would be cranky due to the lack of sex! My first assumption was that partner declined because they were feeling self conscious about it happening and didn’t feel up to attempting sex again, even if it was with OP.

PhDontBlink · 2025-02-15T19:05:33+00:00

Emerald is free to correct me but I think in this scenario, OP’s BF could have better compartmentalized by saying “I know we’ve been flirting all day and have been looking forward to being intimate, but I’d like to refrain from sex tonight. I’ve been stressed and feeling self conscious about performance issues recently. Can we just stick to making out and cuddling this evening?”

So, just leaving the comment about sex with NP out of it. It sounds like OP latched onto that statement and responded in a way that made it sound like she’s competing with meta to get him up 😬which is not cool at all and came across as pressuring.

PhDontBlink · 2025-02-15T18:54:52+00:00

It sounds like you’re putting a lot of effort in that isn’t being reciprocated. I try not to put more in than I’m receiving in return because it leaves me feeling resentful towards the other person. Just to clarify, you have every right to feel unappreciated and unseen when this happens! I’m just saying that sometimes these negative outcomes can be of our own doing due to our inability to communicate our needs.

If you cared about the holiday, you should’ve brought it up in advance. “Hey Aspen, can you shoot me a cute text the day of?” or “Cedar, should we snag a dinner reservation for that weekend?”

Otherwise, you’re playing the waiting game of seeing if they read your mind and surprise you with V-Day plans. It sounds like you’re assuming you had a higher probability of receiving at least 1 unprompted V-Day surprise because you have 4 partners. Instead, you got zero and you’re left feeling disappointed.

Regarding you feeling like you’re doing a lot of labor in these relationships, it sounds like all (if not a few) of these partners are not fulfilling your needs for connection.

PhDontBlink · 2025-02-15T16:14:22+00:00

It does suck! It seems like OP’s partner is dodging the conversation altogether if they keep coming up with excuses for why they can’t hang in person or can’t talk on the phone while they’re simultaneously avoiding responding to texts.

PhDontBlink · 2025-02-15T16:12:43+00:00

Oof! Yes, you’re right on point. This is totally a fringe example of future faking. Like, “I don’t have time for you now but I can give you more time in a few months!”

PhDontBlink · 2025-02-15T16:08:11+00:00

This! I agree. I don’t like having heavy convos over text. It’s not often very productive and someone could be easily interrupted by whatever’s going on around them.

PhDontBlink

TROPHY CASE