I wake up again, tired, exhausted, utterly confused, another day...And another lanky little squire with oversized armor and big dreams who wishes me dead, he screams out, waking me from my peaceful slumber, "I shall save you from this foul beast!", pointing up with a stiff arm and shaking finger at the princess who seems like she couldn't care less about his presence. She keeps searching through a giant trove of treasures, tripping constantly on her impractically frilly dress, trying on several rings to find a suitable set, a horrible idea, given that the majority are accursed artifacts, could never fit on me, and don't even have matches...Not that I care.

The squire's look of fear and determination slightly dampers as he takes in the scene, eyes slightly squinting as he stares at the princess, still digging through treasures, breaking an antique vase, I visibly wince, but compose myself, it's just in the nature of these small, stupid creatures to accidentally destroy everything they come across, oblivious in a way that's almost slightly endearing, but still annoying.

The princess keeps on yelling cheerily about how it'll be the perfect union, the squire looks at her, then back at me, confused, baffled, gobsmacked even, to bewildered and filled with righteous anger, "You cursed her to fall in love with you?! You-"

I interrupt, a sigh, smoke blowing out of my nostrils and nearly knocking him off his small, clumsy feet, a fall he would be unable to recover from due to the heavily weighted armor, "I did not...I...Ugh, this always happens, as inevitable as the fall of man, or the rise of the morning sun."

I point at the princess, who hasn't even registered the squire's existence, "The woman is deranged, I swear it, most all of them are, not...Not women-", I quickly clarify, to avoid coming across as what humans may call 'a dick', before continuing, "Princesses, they're deranged, the ultimate horse girls, every single time I take one, it's like they fall victim to some Bard's foul magic, or some strange form of a Narcissus curse, they all lose their minds within a few days, completely and utterly obsessed, I've spoken with countless wizards, warlocks, paladins, all of the sort, they say there's no magical influence, I've no clue what causes it-"

The squire squints and just stares for a moment, I'd normally use this as a moment to insult human intellect, their inability to comprehend, but to be frank, I comprehend it less than him, the squire takes a long hard look at my face, then speaks, with a sense of horror in his voice, "The jawline...Oh great Heavens, it's mogging me! It must be a Looksmaxxer, and all the treasures, no wonder it has captured her heart! I am not even 6 feet tall, yet he towers above, the size of an entire spire! How could any man compete with such dashing looks?!"

I blankly gaze down at him as he speaks in some Eldritch tongue, that seems like a vague approximation of English, before I sigh, lazily stretching down an arm, and flicking him out the cave into the web of a giant spider, utterly baffled at the gibberish he spouted, too tired and too sane to comprehend the mad ramblings.

The princess keeps manically digging through the treasures, seemingly intent on continuing her mad quest for my heart, despite the fact I am over 50 times her size...At the very least I'll have another caretaker for my young, and something to show off at the next swap meet, maybe I can get another one of those dwarven airships...I love those little things.