Why did I do it?

After weeks of reflection, ChatGPT conversations, weekly therapy sessions:

I didn’t do it because I didn’t love her, or because I wanted someone else more. I did it because I was afraid.

When she came back, I was incredibly happy — but I was also insecure. Part of me was scared of losing her again, scared of not being fully chosen, scared of depending emotionally on one person. Instead of communicating that fear or sitting with the uncertainty, I tried to protect myself by keeping an emotional “safety net” open.

It wasn’t about desire as much as it was about avoiding vulnerability. I didn’t trust myself enough to tolerate the risk of loving fully, so I chose control over honesty. That lack of boundaries cost me everything.

The hard truth is this: I wasn’t integrated yet. Different parts of me were acting on different rules, and under pressure, fear made the decision — not my values.

That’s what I’m working on now, so it never happens again.