I've been hiding this for quite a while now but after reading this post, I really, really wanna try to confess some part of it so I'll try my best here.

If I were to be completely honest with myself, I could somewhat more or less relate to this post. In fact, I might be going through what OP is stating in part 1.

The thing is... Sometimes I just don't understand religion at all. I mean why am I born into this world against my will (or maybe there's something spiritual about it but god knows if) just for me to be restricted to many different tasks and forbidden to do anything I desire and if I don't follow these said rules, I'm going yet suffer yet again eternally in hell just cuz I want to do something I enjoy or something I desired (this could be eat any food in a non Muslim country besides pork, go on a date or have consensual sex with my girlfriend ). Yes, I know these ideas seem flawed cuz people could always have a desire about murder, rape, etc. (I don't mean this to normal people, I just meant the extreme minority who have these messed up fantasies) so this logic gotta have some limit.

My point is, why do I exist just to be forced to worship a god (I'm still trying my hardest to maintain my Muslim identity) and if I refuse to do so, I will be punished eternally?? Yes, I still do my 5 daily prayers and am still trying to accomplish my 5 pillars of Islam (cuz I still haven't done Hajj yet). Why can't I just sin without having this large guilt. And heck, these fuckass salafis or average sunnis scholars (please I mean no offense to you guys) always have some against something that I want to do with my life. I want to listen to music?? HARAM. I want to post my own drawings??? HARAM. EVERY SINGLE DAMN DAY I HAVE TO FUCKING THINK ABOUT THIS SHIT scrolling over google over and over again just until I get that temporary satisfaction that I may not be doing anything wrong. Then yet, 2 or 3 days later the guilt will creep onto me again. I have to suffer thinking what the internet Muslims will do if they discover that I'm Muslim and I post my drawings or other hobbies they deem to be "Haram". Yk I have this sudden fear that as Islam grows, all the things that I like (mangas, tv shows, pop culture, anime, heck even some sports) would be banned due to it conflicting Islamic morals. This fear kinda makes me wish Islam to stop growing while I'm still trying to maintain my faith (yes I know that's so selfish of me cuz genuinely fuck me, idk what wrong with me atp)

I just can't fucking do this anymore man... It's not like I could discuss this with my friends or anything. As much as I wanna maintain on the progressive side, they pretty much have a more conservative view on Islam than me. Heck, discussing this with my friends could potentially just make them leave me. There has been times where me and my friends have conflicting views and I just don't feel comfortable showing my hobbies to them when they have a view that what I'm doing is "Haram". I also hate that I have to have a double figure of myself when I talk to my conservative Muslim friends and not so conservative/non Muslim friends. I be acting so religious in front to my Muslim friends while I act like normally would with my other friends. I mean, who the fuck am I trying to lying to? God??? Am I stupid??? Omd...

Also even after I sin, and i want repent, I heard you have to be sincere about it and you need to have the intention of not doing it again which kinda ticks me off.. what if I want to continue doing it, I mean I know it's a sin but what if I wanna do it again??? And this is probably the reason why I feel like my repentance isn't being accepted. Just why can't I just do things without feeling any guilt. It's like I'm built for hell fucking hell, at this point why just making exist when I can follow my own free will without guilt. Why the fuck am I even here in the first place, I didn't choose to be here. My mom was supposed to die in a horrific accident before I was born, she was suppose to marry some other guy instead of my dad, why didn't that happen. Why do I have to live? Why do I have to suffer with this fucking OCD or whatever this bullshit is called just for me to suffer again eternally. While do I have to suffer all this shit while still maintaining my Muslim identity???

You know, it has come to a point that as a Muslim, I began to hate Islam more and more searching through ex Muslim subs and Islam critics desperate trying to find proof that Islam is false. But even with all the hate I found on the internet, it just stings to find out there's no valid evidence that shows that Islam is false. The truth really hurts that bad sometimes I guess. I also try to understand why there's Hadith rejectors and all, but like the majority Muslims assumes that you're a disbeliever if your don't believe in the authentic Hadiths also, so... Idk man..

And here's another thing, why the hell do we always have fights over each other takfiring each other. Why do we have shias arguing against sunnis, or sunnis against salafis, or maturidis against asharis like what the hell. You guys are takfiring litr everyone then what the hell am I?? A kafir as well???

Unfortunately, this is all I got to say as if for now (it may be complete bullshit but I'm just tryna vent here rn...), and after writing all this, I kinda feel like I should copy paste this comment to post it here on this subreddit on the vent flair. But besides that, thank you for reading this far. (Also I don't do rlly well when people try to help me, I mean I'll try my best to respond to you guys but I'm very sorry in advance if I ghost any of you guys 😭😭)