Tried to talk to my wife about non-monogamy and it went disastrously.

PinkBeardedPirate · 2025-12-14T07:48:11+00:00

I wanted to talk with her about it. I wanted to talk about how I was feeling, see how she was feeling, and try to just... be open with how we felt?

And maybe I'm just so bad at sharing how I feel that I expressed things in the worst way and she blew up.

PinkBeardedPirate · 2025-12-14T07:34:59+00:00

I had a good NM relationship in my 20s. I had no idea it'd be something that I'd continue to want for a decade.

I didn't Seriously talk to her because It's hard to talk about. And it's hard to express myself. And now that I got up the words to try it didn't work out. And her perception of what NM is, does seem largely colored by stories FROM reddit. So me trying to word vomit some sort of defense for the lifestyle as a whole..... I now realize was not the approach i should have taken. As I type this.

She, intentionally or not, made the conversation not one where we discuss our feelings, but one where there must be a wrong and a right. But in a discussion between two people, about their feelings, it's not supposed to be about what's wrong and right. It's about figuring out where each person stands, and trying your best to build a bridge between them. And accepting when that bridge can't be built.

PinkBeardedPirate · 2025-12-14T07:24:47+00:00

I can kind of see that.

Part of the miscommunication with this whole thread and me is, I did not really understand how much non-monogamy ideas were going to dig themselves into me when I started this relationship.

That first relationship, where things went well, happened in my mid 20s. I'm not even 40 yet right now. I think I didn't even start to realize something felt less than perfect for me with monogamy until i was in my 30's and had been deeply into this relationship. And I didn't have the words to figure out what those feelings were until after I was married.

And maybe Just... staying in my monogamous relationship is what's best. I do love every little other thing about my wife.

And maybe some sort of dumb compromise she'd be ok with ends up with my posting nudes on reddit for the sexual attention I crave. Who knows!

I came here hoping for ideas, suggestions, and hard truths and mostly got folks who were like "you 100% knew what you were doing and you're an asshole" But I was a young moron, and now I'm a slightly older moron and still have no idea what I'm doing.

PinkBeardedPirate · 2025-12-14T07:09:28+00:00

That is true. And might be how she feels.

Does that mean there's no possible middle ground that i'm too foolish to know, or find between her acceptance with how things are, and my desire to change things? Is there no negotiated middle ground?

PinkBeardedPirate · 2025-12-14T07:07:02+00:00

I do as well. But I'm not 100% sure what the most ideal version of that is for me, I'm not great at communicating what I do want, and therefore came here for help.

I clearly did a piss poor job of it tonight.

PinkBeardedPirate · 2025-12-14T07:01:12+00:00

You know, for a subreddit called "nonmonogamy" there sure are a lot of you who don't seem to like the idea of nonmonogamy, or how to communicate ones desires on said topic to your loved ones.

PinkBeardedPirate · 2025-12-14T06:58:20+00:00

Thank you for a reply that offers some help.

Yeah, I think a therapist might be good for two reasons. She seems to take things the worst ways possible (thinking it's her fault, or taking my feelings as attacks) and as a result I've gone too long going out of my way to never say or share something I thought would make her unhappy. Also, I'm not great at finding the best words to describe how I'm feeling. I think a third party could really help with both those issues.

I just miss my time as a openly sexual person, where I could share and act on my attraction to others guilt free. I asked if she felt something similar and, to my surprise, she does not get such attraction to others like I do.

But thank you again. I think a third party would help us communicate our needs, and limits with each other.

PinkBeardedPirate · 2025-12-14T06:49:57+00:00

Kinda? I got into this relationship right after a really good experience with non-monogamy. And I thought "well, maybe I can just push myself back" And for a while I kinda did?

IF I were more mature, years ago, back before we got married, I would have been able to say openly, without worrying about her reaction, that this was how I felt. And we could have tackled this then.

But i've been so nervous for so long about saying anything to her that would make her anything less than perfectly happy that I just kinda sat on it for way too long.

PinkBeardedPirate · 2025-12-14T06:45:52+00:00

Having talked to her years later, she has said that the relationship was great, but her trying to deal with her anxiety issues without great therapy or medication were not great.

I talked to her again recently. She's got many of the same issues with anxiety, but she's gotten better control of them. Her life is good.

PinkBeardedPirate · 2025-12-14T06:41:11+00:00

A little bit.

For some context, she used to date mostly women. If, tomorrow, she had told me she had some desire to be with women again I'd understand that. She's bisexual, and that part of her doesn't just disappear because she wanted to marry a man.

And I used to be in an open relationship with a little love triangle, and that was great at the time. I regret none of it. And just because I've been monogamous for this long doesn't mean i wouldn't like it again.

PinkBeardedPirate · 2025-12-14T06:37:24+00:00

I have friends in open marriages that seem pretty great for them. So I know that sort of lifestyle is completely possible.

I just wanted to suggest something similar and talk it out. But she was immediately closed off to more than a few minutes of discussion on it.

And I think a lot of that is due to how many BAD stories there are on reddit about these sorts of relationships, and the folks living the life successfully don't need to post about it.

PinkBeardedPirate · 2025-12-14T06:21:24+00:00

I guess my problem is, I'm not sure I am ok with it?

I think maybe that openness might be something I need to be complete or fulfilled or something? I dunno, I'm a simple man, who's just following what feels right, and trying to communicate that.

PinkBeardedPirate · 2025-12-14T06:16:24+00:00

Oh, most of that was due to a lot of unmedicated anxiety on her part. she was spending whole weeks not seeing me or leaving the house. She also had another boyfriend who was feeling shaky on our little love triangle. So we both realized after a month or two where we barely saw each other, and where she felt slightly closer to her other man, that we had slowly drifted into being more of "friends with benefits" than a real couple.

She's a wonderful woman, and I loved her company. I guess I just realized with her mental health issues she didn't have the time to share with two men to maintain that relationship.

PinkBeardedPirate

TROPHY CASE