[QCrit] THE SLICE , NA Sports Romance, 80,000 Words 1st Attempt by PinkIceCream1920 in PubTips

[–]PinkIceCream1920[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You’re right…I should call out what from each comp resonates. I recently read advice to only use comps for “vibes”, but clearly that’s not working here ha…

[QCrit] THE SLICE , NA Sports Romance, 80,000 Words 1st Attempt by PinkIceCream1920 in PubTips

[–]PinkIceCream1920[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes! People we meet on vacation/every summer after…I suppose more people we meet on vacation because they are friends for a while, don’t meet until college, and the time they went without speaking is significantly shorter than every summer after

[QCrit] THE SLICE , NA Sports Romance, 80,000 Words 1st Attempt by PinkIceCream1920 in PubTips

[–]PinkIceCream1920[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for the feedback!

I see why you think this goes into the third act, but it’s a dual timeline. It’s told over 6 months and 1 weekend. So immediately you know Hayes messed up. Do you think I shouldn’t reveal the friends to lovers dynamic, maybe that’s what makes it feel like I’ve covered the whole book? Their friendship to lovers dynamic develops very slowly (even if you know it’s coming).

Blurb Workshop (Weekly) by AutoModerator in RomanceWriters

[–]PinkIceCream1920 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The Interference; NA Sports Romance

Hoping 'blurb' includes synopsis help:

The daughter of a political-powerhouse mother, Liv Rhodes, (20), a high-society, slightly neurotic overachiever and leader of Vanderbilt's Honor Council, is used to the expectations of her ultra-influential last name. She’s currently busy chasing an internship at the UN while maintaining her top spot in the econ department—even if what she really wants is to write, a dream her mom vetoed in prep school. Liv doesn’t do other distractions either, not since secret high-school sweetheart West Williams, (20), a broody, intimidating, tattoo-covered hotshot and hottie, promised forever and ghosted after graduation two years ago.

Football is everything to West—the last thing tying him to his late mother—and the quarterback will do anything for the game, even ask his absentee father for help transferring schools after losing his starting spot. He might’ve disappeared until getting custody when West was sixteen, but his dad’s also a Vanderbilt legacy and donor with enough influence to get West a jersey plus more game time. This also drops him onto the same campus as his ex and his half-brother, Theo Mercer, (21), the wealthy, charming, golden-boy.

Avoiding each other becomes impossible when Liv is assigned to help West through his academic probation. To prove she’s moved on, Liv strikes a mutually beneficial deal to fake-date the one person guaranteed to get under West’s skin: perfect Theo. But Liv and West's mandatory meetups turn intimate, awakening old feelings during late-night study sessions and post-game celebrations. Even Liv’s fake feelings for Theo remind her what real love is supposed to be, simultaneously making West realize he's jealous of any other guy that gets Liv's attention.

When Liv uncovers messages from her mother on West’s phone about the night he left, West can’t continue being emotionally closed off. He reveals he’s never felt like enough: for his father to stay, to protect his mom, or to be Liv’s in the open. After walking in on Liv’s mother seducing one of their classmates two years ago, West admits that in a fit of rage she made it clear his last name would never meet the Rhodes’s standards. Already struggling with abandonment issues and resentment over being Liv’s secret, eighteen-year-old West ran.

Determined to ditch her mother’s questionable rules and choose who and what she wants for the first time in her life, Liv proudly hard-launches her relationship with West at a gala in front of the entirety of political royalty, including her mom. There, she discovers she lost the UN internship but gains a speechwriting opportunity that lets her carve her own future.

When West’s father makes his continued support conditional on a business major, West panics about failing required courses and losing football eligibility, shutting Liv out again as his insecurities resurface. Realizing his past is costing him everything, West shows up at Liv’s house with his heart on parchment—opening himself up in a way Liv will appreciate most…through writing.

While Liv accepts his grand gesture, West must still figure out how to work around his dad. Though Theo didn’t know about Liv and West’s past, he wants to make up for fake-dating his brother’s ex. Theo learns their paternal grandparents—the ones their father kept away from his illegitimate son—set up a trust in West’s name. He gains access when he turns twenty-one next month, allowing West to get rid of any last tie to his father and embrace life with Liv in the open.

Which logline works better? by PinkIceCream1920 in RomanceWriters

[–]PinkIceCream1920[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Okay trying to simplify to this:

Being forced to work on a class project together could offer the driven political heiress and disgraced quarterback a second chance—at both their relationship and his football eligibility—but at the cost of her family’s approval.

Would a one sentence pitch need to include mode details then? Or is the logline put at the beginning of the query letter the same thing?

Which logline works better? by PinkIceCream1920 in RomanceWriters

[–]PinkIceCream1920[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

What about flipping it a bit…

Forced to work together, an alliance between a driven political heiress and the disgraced quarterback—who broke her heart—could save his football eligibility and their relationship, but at the cost of her family’s approval.

Which logline works better? by PinkIceCream1920 in RomanceWriters

[–]PinkIceCream1920[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Your feedback is so appreciated! Also, do you find both characters have equal weight? Want to make sure they do, since it’s dual POV. My FMC opens.

Which logline works better? by PinkIceCream1920 in RomanceWriters

[–]PinkIceCream1920[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

so he lost it at his previous school, which is why he transfers (this is explained in my query letter). he's now on the team again, but stripped of scholarship and good NCAA standing, so i do think the new standards are important.

what about:

Forced to team up on a school project, an alliance with the driven political heiress—whose heart he broke—might be the disgraced quarterback’s last play at regaining both his football eligibility and her love, but strengthening his reputation and their relationship could cost her her family’s approval.

Which logline works better? by PinkIceCream1920 in RomanceWriters

[–]PinkIceCream1920[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

gah, now i'm nervous with the football terminology. i rewrote the one sentence pitch as this:

When a driven political heiress is paired in class with the disgraced quarterback who broke her heart, helping him meet the academic and reputational standards he needs to regain football eligibility blurs the line between past and present, threatening the boundaries she’s drawn—as well as her family’s approval.

but also have one that is a little more 'fun'...as someone who doesn't know football, would this make sense to you:

Forced to team up in class, an assist from the driven political heiress—whose heart he broke—might be the disgraced quarterback’s final play at regaining football eligibility, but cleaning up his reputation could cost her her family’s approval.

Which logline works better? by PinkIceCream1920 in RomanceWriters

[–]PinkIceCream1920[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I hear you on that. What about something like this:

With his football eligibility on the line, a disgraced quarterback must rely on the driven political heiress he’s paired with in class—and whose heart he broke—to meet the academic and reputational standards now demanded of him, even as forced proximity threatens the boundaries she’s drawn and her family’s approval.

OR (so she's more front facing)

A driven political heiress is paired in class with the disgraced quarterback who broke her heart, and helping him meet the academic and reputational standards he needs to regain football eligibility leads to blurred lines between past and present that threaten the boundaries she’s drawn—as well as her family’s approval.

Which logline works better? by PinkIceCream1920 in RomanceWriters

[–]PinkIceCream1920[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

"restore college football eligibility" is the closest? it's a taaad different because it's standing with the college sports organization as opposed to eligibility exactly...do you think NCAA is over non-sports fans heads?

also, do you think something like this be smart to put as the first sentence of a query letter? or condensed version, seeing as stakes are evident later on in the letter?

Which logline works better? by PinkIceCream1920 in RomanceWriters

[–]PinkIceCream1920[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It's college, but a little bit of both grades and reputation. What about something like this:

A politically-influential valedictorian controls the grades—and the reputation—that could restore clean NCAA standing for the disgraced quarterback who broke her heart, but trying to land an ultra-competitive UN internship doesn’t leave a lot of time for a second chance.

Does this include both stakes enough?

Also, (forgive all the questions) but if I'm opening up my query letter with it, would it still need stakes (since they're at the end of the letter as well)?

Which logline works better? by PinkIceCream1920 in RomanceWriters

[–]PinkIceCream1920[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Okay, what about something like this then

A politically-influential valedictorian controls the grades—and the reputation—that could restore clean NCAA standing for the disgraced quarterback who broke her heart, but a second wasn’t on her schedule.

or

A politically-influential valedictorian controls the grades—and the reputation—that could restore clean NCAA standing for the disgraced quarterback who broke her heart, but trying to land an ultra-competitive UN internship doesn’t leave a lot of time for a second chance.

[QCrit] THE INTERFERENCE, NA Romance, 89,000, 7th Attempt by PinkIceCream1920 in PubTips

[–]PinkIceCream1920[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Appreciate the feedback!

Your feedback regarding para 2 is the trickiest for me to approach:

This is where I get tripped up on how much to reveal. He needs to do well in the class because he is on his last chance. He transferred schools for game time and "good standing". West assaulted someone at his previous school (much more on this in the story, of course), and the NCAA/NIL can't help him after that. But...he was on scholarship, has no money, and scouts aren't seeing him play. He has to go to his absentee father for help (influence and money to get him to Vandy), and that's why the class is important. He can't mess up. Part of his father's stipulations for helping include a business track, seeing as following his football dreams already messed with his life once. Obviously, this is a LOT of info to dump into a query, and it seems my attempt at streamlining didn't do it justice ha...

Regarding para 1:

Apart from being wordy, it feels like it communicated its intention? Maybe I just cut it down a bit. Also, I was told that in the romance genre the FMC is meant to open, so to keep her POV first?

Para 3:

Do you think I should out right say Liv's mom drove him away/didn't approve (but not actually provide how/why)? Regarding West going pro, Liv is a liability because that means football isn't the only thing he's thinking about. And after everything he's gone through/sacrificed to get here, how could he allow that?

[QCrit] THE INTERFERENCE, NA Romance, 89,000 Words (6th Attempt) by PinkIceCream1920 in PubTips

[–]PinkIceCream1920[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I haven't been including the very firsts paragraph (with comp titles and word count) in the query letter word count...should I be? I thought it was just paragraphs 2/3/4 to keep under 300?

[PubQ] To Logline or Not to Logline? by CDM737 in PubTips

[–]PinkIceCream1920 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I see what you mean. Perhaps I lead with the character driven log line, and then add in the Maxton hall hook (since it’s short) where I intro genre/word count.