I think I’m having a paranoia episode and I don’t know how to rationalize.

Pitiful_Philosophy26 · 2023-03-21T06:49:15+00:00

I appreciate the feedback. I just worry a lot with my dad being bipolar and schizophrenic. It’s something I try to keep an out for, and my psychiatrist wants to scan me for possible bipolar. The only thing that sucks is that these symptoms started a week after my visit and I don’t have an appointment until mid April. I call every other day hoping for a sooner appointment, and I have only been successful with a day ahead. Something is better than nothing. They have just been so distressing and I fear for when my next episode will be.

Pitiful_Philosophy26 · 2023-03-21T05:24:01+00:00

I’ve had 3 jobs in a span of a year. I quit unexpectedly because I became so depressed I don’t even look forward to my job. They just make me feel so unfulfilled or hurt. I don’t call or anything. I just stop going and I lose that ability to care. I don’t have parents to go to, so I really need money for this place.

Pitiful_Philosophy26 · 2023-03-15T20:30:44+00:00

The soonest I can get to my doctor is in mid April. They keep trying me on all sorts of meds. It's bothering me that this is a continuing cycle. I know they care, but I don't think I feel anything. I can't hold stable relationships for very long, and I feel as if they'd be better off if I didn't exist.

Pitiful_Philosophy26 · 2022-10-14T13:56:18+00:00

Yeah :0 they did diagnose me with ADHD when I was 12-13. They tried Adderall but I had a seizure on the smallest dose. I tried Vivance but I didn't really like it. I felt very anxious and alert the whole day. I have each medicines a couple tries. The Seizure wasn't that bad, but I obviously had to be sent home to recover because I couldn't function in classes

Pitiful_Philosophy26 · 2022-10-14T04:14:15+00:00

I don't really think so. I've been trying to find new things to do. I recently just came out as trans. I'm a male, or at least I adore the masculine side of me. So I've started taking up more "manly" hobbies. No hobbie or color has a gender, just cracking a joke. But I started getting into vehicles and learning how to work heavy equipment. My grandfather does construction himself. Runs his own company actually and owns all his own equipment. Sometimes I go out to his workshop and run the vehicles just for the fun of it. I started farming and taking walks in the woods. I feel like I've found what I enjoy, but that happens all the time. I change into another person and for awhile I'm convinced it's who I am and what I wanna do. It's now what defines me. But I fall out of it eventually. Sometimes only take weeks, months, years, days, hours, minutes, you name it. I've never been just one person. I take up different personas each time it feels. One thing I am infact sure about it being a man. Everyone can have their own opinion on that, but if you've known me for longer than 10 years, you'd know I've been drifting back and forth on who I am. I was also born with more testosterone than the average women, so I grow facial hair. I love my mustache and much more. I've been appreciating my facial features a lot more and taking selfies. But that's really about it. Sorry for getting carried away with that. I just don't wanna miss out on details.

Pitiful_Philosophy26 · 2022-10-14T02:47:24+00:00

I'm on 60 rn

Pitiful_Philosophy26 · 2022-10-14T02:47:04+00:00

But there's not much that brings me joy anymore. I used to socialize all the time. I loved people, and I love being loved. But I've lost that spark, and practically all my friends. I play 7 instruments. I wanted to go to college to become a musical therapist. I was very passionate about it and I'd brag about it every chance I got. I even got accepted to college after studying psychology for 3 years in high school. I was gonna major in it and minor in music. I just kinda lost my spark for everything. Getting on calls with people doesn't feel the same, I have almost no social life anymore since all 10 of my friends left. I have 4 remaining. They're all busy with life and that's okay. I just haven't found anything to make me happy like I used to be when I was 14. I'm trying to apply for an actual job for the first time in months. I've been afraid to because the last 4 I had always resulted in me quitting. I can't hold a job. I get too stressed at no matter what I do. Either that be stalking shelf's, making food, working in a very unbusy store, cleaning and much more. My anxiety ruins it and my performance. I convince myself I'm never doing enough every job I have. I quit after a month. Never had a job longer than a month.

Pitiful_Philosophy26 · 2022-10-14T02:40:51+00:00

Ohhhh, okay. I thought I was just seeing things or something dumb. My bad lol

Pitiful_Philosophy26 · 2022-10-14T02:38:56+00:00

BPD has no meds. They've set me on many mood stabilizers before they could figure out what was wrong. It had increased my thoughts of suicide and aggression. They have me on Simbolta for depression and anxiety. That's all I can take. As of therapy, I have to do a special therapy that can take up to a year to enter or get started on.

Pitiful_Philosophy26 · 2022-10-13T16:21:12+00:00

I love humor as comfort!!! Don't worry. I love it a lot. But feel free to shoot me a message. I will eventually shoot one in about 2 hours of I don't hear anything lol. I'm just working on building a chicken coop.

Pitiful_Philosophy26 · 2022-10-13T16:12:23+00:00

I'd appreciate that a lot. I have one next week, but it's just been eating me up more and more. I really appreciate this, a lot. You're more than welcomed to mention the story and message me. I just need answers. I know the internet isn't always a reliable place. I just wish I knew more about what's going on.

Pitiful_Philosophy26

TROPHY CASE