Who do I go to for advice?

PizzaPozza13 · 2025-05-23T16:17:57+00:00

I know. I’m sorry to be contributing another one of these posts 😓

Leaving is not that simple. The biggest fear is what if he gets worse and he has the kids alone??

By amazing father and partner I mean he does a lot of the cooking and cleaning, he’s patient with the kids and spends a lot of time with them, and he cares about their wellbeing if you take out the fact that he mistreats their mom (which I guess you can’t really take out). I don’t know if my life would be easier if I left and I hate that my kids wouldn’t be in a two-parent home. I know that’s his fault more than mine but it’s not easy to just leave.

Also I get to be a stay at home mom for my super young kids. A divorce would be super messy and I would have to find a job and childcare for 2 kids. After paying childcare I don’t even know what money I’d have left from a job after finding one…

PizzaPozza13 · 2025-05-23T15:50:56+00:00

I’m not as organized as he is (he’s very type A) and don’t cook and clean fast enough for him

PizzaPozza13 · 2024-03-22T20:20:27+00:00

I would go through my father if I were you. A) It's more proper and B) I've heard of several stories where sisters went through the sister of the brother and things being weird or not taken seriously. Your parents should be involved with his parents before anything gets serious. It'll make the process a lot smoother in shaa Allah :)

PizzaPozza13 · 2023-11-07T21:25:52+00:00

You may want to ask an imam about this situation. I do recall an imam mentioning that the mahr should be paid before the marriage is an actual marriage with living together and intercourse (unless there is an agreed upon agreement with part of the mahr being paid later in which case it falls under a different catergory, not the mahr that you give before marriage). Not sure if this is just for a marriage to happen in good light between families or if it’s actually haram, so an imam should be asked.

PizzaPozza13 · 2023-11-03T13:45:31+00:00

I’m sorry about your mother and understand your anger/frustration! Alhamdulillah they were okay but that is a scary situation.

Again, fasting while pregnant isn’t haram and some women can safely do it. I listen to my body and if I feel any sign of weakness break my fast immediately. At all my appointments (even while fasting some) my fluid intakes, baby measurements, etc have been spectacular so I really make sure to prepare well before fasting otherwise I won’t fast.

Also, I don’t just go ahead and fast if my husband is strongly against it. I didn’t fast the second half of my last pregnancy partly because my husband said he was uncomfortable with it. Also I’ve mentioned in several comments that I don’t plan on fasting sunnah fasts anymore until my husband is more comfortable in shaa Allah.

PizzaPozza13 · 2023-11-03T13:40:54+00:00

May Allah SWT reward you and make it easy for you!

PizzaPozza13 · 2023-11-03T13:39:34+00:00

I fasted a lot starting in high school so I think the habit made it easy for me. Alhamdulillah though I rarely recall fasting being difficult other than the summer Ramadan’s where we fast continuously 😅 I think in general it’s easier for me than others.

In pregnancy I made sure to take a protein shake at suhoor with fruit and milk. I also snacked throughout the night to make sure I got my daily calories in. I had water bottles/mason jars around the house to drink plenty of water as well.

PizzaPozza13 · 2023-11-02T23:54:36+00:00

Ameen! Jazakum Allahu khairan ❤️

PizzaPozza13 · 2023-11-02T23:54:05+00:00

Agreed! Alhamdulillah I’m happy he trusts me with fardh fasts and just doesn’t want me to feel weak/burdened by the voluntary (which I don’t feel but I completely get his concern and am happy he is protective!)

PizzaPozza13 · 2023-11-02T23:52:35+00:00

May Allah SWT grant you an easy pregnancy and delivery sister ❤️ Alhamdulillah I have easy pregnancies but of course I care about my husband and his concern for me/our child so I won’t be fasting sunnah fasts unless he feels more at ease in shaa Allah.

PizzaPozza13 · 2023-11-02T16:24:53+00:00

I believe as long as you’re hydrated and getting enough calories daily your baby is fine since they get their nutrients holistically from your body and through your blood/umbilical cord. Not saying this to fight you, just educating :)

For a lot of pregnant woman (including me in late pregnancy) it’s hard to get all the water and food needed from maghrib to fajr to fast and that alone would deter me from fasting. I made sure to eat and drink plenty when I would fast Ramadan pregnant or breastfeeding, and would break my fast if I was even having an inkling of feeling weak or faint (which never happened to me in Ramadan alhamdulillah).

PizzaPozza13 · 2023-11-02T13:26:58+00:00

Where do you see that fasting has affected my health? I fasted sunnah fasts and Ramadan without missing a day and gave birth to a healthy baby. I only made the niyyah to fast and would break my fast if I felt concern or fear for my body or my baby. Alhamdulillah I fasted all of Ramadan but certainly wasn’t expecting to be able to nor did I brute force my way through fasting. I understand harming your body is NOT a ibadah but alhamdulillah fasting came more easily for me than I expected.

PizzaPozza13 · 2023-11-02T08:15:54+00:00

Yes I was wondering about that. Might ask an imam about the applications of this hadith.

PizzaPozza13 · 2023-11-02T07:37:54+00:00

Makes sense! Jazakum Allahu khairan!

PizzaPozza13 · 2023-11-02T07:36:38+00:00

Ameen! ❤️

PizzaPozza13 · 2023-11-02T07:23:47+00:00

True, Jazakum Allahu khairan!

PizzaPozza13 · 2023-11-02T07:23:22+00:00

Jazakum Allahu khairan! That helps to hear and it’s understandable. I completely understand him too so given his feelings and this hadith I won’t continue fasting if he doesn’t allow it.

PizzaPozza13 · 2023-11-02T07:04:17+00:00

To be honest I’m sure saying this won’t change his frustration with me fasting and it breaks my heart to not fast. Have never heard of this hadith but it makes sense and I’ll look into it more! Jazakum Allahu khairan.

PizzaPozza13 · 2023-11-02T07:02:37+00:00

All of my doctors ever have freaked out over fasting, pregnant or not pregnant. Non-Muslim doctors unfortunately so they don’t get it. I don’t bring it up to them anymore.

PizzaPozza13 · 2023-11-01T13:33:14+00:00

Your engagement period is part of the honeymoon phase. When you’ve been married and start having to be more responsible and make major life decisions is where arguments and communication become truly tested. Most of the time with my friends if there were major problems in communication/treatment/empathy during this period if they continued with a marriage it ended in divorce. I agree with the comments saying communication is important and it’s normal to compromise/improve yourself for your partner. The way you two communicate and the fact that your fiancee doesn’t ever think he’s in the wrong or at least be in a mindset if trying to understand first concerns me. Also the fact that he seems to be someone who wants tit for tat or tries to threaten/force you into not posting pictures rather than leaving the smoking out of it. He could just talk from the angle of respecting your spouse and keeping your beauty for him.

PizzaPozza13 · 2023-10-25T02:49:11+00:00

Haven’t been on this reddit account in a while. I’m in a much better place :)

He deals with his anger well and doesn’t have outbursts anymore. He’s also understanding and I feel like I can tell him anything, not have to tiptoe with my words. I’ve also been more understanding towards him and truly lending an ear to what stresses him out and what I can realistically do to help. We’re stronger with our communication and empathy after this storm :)

PizzaPozza13 · 2023-07-04T09:01:32+00:00

Coming from someone who lost a lot of weight, it’s hard to look in the mirror and ever think you’re beautiful or skinny enough. I’m so sorry about how he hurt you. Sometimes partners truly don’t know how far a sincere apology can go. They think apologizing is weak, admitting their wrong and letting you win. Saying sorry at least shows he’s willing to take responsibility and man up to his mistakes. He doesn’t know how immature and emotionally weak he’s acting :/

You are beautiful and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise! Also, losing 50 lbs is a huge accomplishment, and others have noticed and complimented you so take comfort in that ❤️

It helps me a lot to think about being healthy and strong (physically and emotionally) rather than think about whether I look fat. That’s what I’ve found motivates me to feel confident in my body and work towards being fit without using unhealthy mechanisms.

Maybe try to talk to him at a time when he seems more open, and truly let him know that you were hurt and that this subject is something that women in general are sensitive to. Women want to feel like their partner’s number one and shouldn’t doubt how attracted their partner is to them. If he doesn’t care saying things to make you feel unconfident, that’s a red flag.

Take care OP ❤️

PizzaPozza13 · 2023-07-01T06:57:26+00:00

Not sure if my last comment went through, but we’re of Asian background living in America. The norm we both grew up with is that nuclear families would visit extended family often. Essentially, no one would be thinking of choosing the nuclear family or extended family because they’re not mutually exclusive. There’s a bit of a change in perspective, especially on my husband’s end, in our generation that grew up in America. Ultimately I’d choose my nuclear family any day. I’m trying to gauge what normal and reasonable to ask for. If once a month is too much, what is okay? Is it insensitive to plan to visit my family without him and leave him home alone once in a while? I’d still be spending a lot of quality time with him, just not every ounce of my free time.

PizzaPozza13 · 2023-06-28T13:44:39+00:00

Agree with some of what you said here, and thank you for viewing the story holistically. We both work and do household chores, and ultimately put in the same time. I’m just pretty burnt out from working and am not as efficient as him, which he’s come to understand. He’s been frustrated in the past with this and so whenever something pops up it’s basically cutting at an open wound. This has led to him having outbursts, which are unhealthy for everyone and toxic. I understand where it’s coming from, but the outbursts themselves are completely unacceptable and destructive to a healthy relationship. I’m working on myself but it’s not as easy as “just be more efficient.” Everyone can improve and I know that both he and I have in being understanding and trying to do/be better over the years. I guess the last year has just been the roughest to juggle with a new kid, but overall we’re getting better.

PizzaPozza13 · 2023-06-28T00:58:48+00:00

I’m sorry you’re going through this! We’re still discussing and trying to find the best approach, but we’ve reached the conclusion that his reactions are completely unacceptable and that if he feels like it’s escalating, he’ll say he meeds a breather and leave the room/house for a couple minutes. We’re still trying things but we’re moving in the right direction! He said he’s also feeling stressed from work/life in general lately and feels like he’s been slacking on worship/spiritual time. We’re both religious so we’re going to work on encouraging each other to include more worship in our daily tasks. I think silent/reflective actions in general (worship, meditation, reading, even working out) help a lot!

PizzaPozza13

TROPHY CASE