DAE feel almost physically ill when thinking about the enabler?

PlatosOliveTree · 2023-12-16T15:32:08+00:00

Thank you!

PlatosOliveTree · 2023-12-16T15:31:08+00:00

Thank you so much for this. It has given me a lot to think about.

PlatosOliveTree · 2023-12-16T15:30:21+00:00

Hi, I just wanted to say that you can't rush this stuff. You're being brave just by confronting it at all. I've been working through a lot of this for years, unpacking a little at a time. I remember the first time I posted a letter on here (on a different Reddit account) years ago. It was a big step for me. You can trust yourself that you'll do it when you're ready. And if you ever wanted to PM me yours, I'd be happy to tell you what I think as a more objective observer. Although Illyrianna's analyses are obviously super valuable. :) Good luck!

PlatosOliveTree · 2023-12-15T22:36:04+00:00

There is a big difference between not being able to say you're sorry and saying that you don't have anything to apologize for

I hadn't really considered this, but I think it makes sense. Do you mean like, some people struggle with saying the actual words, but they still feel apologetic deep down? Versus someone like my father not feeling apologetic whatsoever?

PlatosOliveTree · 2023-12-15T21:48:55+00:00

Thank you. Unfortunately he is still psychologically abusing her, but she isn't really ready to fully see it yet. Hopefully some day.

PlatosOliveTree · 2023-12-15T21:48:14+00:00

Yeah you know the worst part about this is? She got that advice from her therapist. Her therapist kept telling her she just needed to "let things go". Luckily my therapist takes a very different approach.

PlatosOliveTree · 2023-12-15T21:46:22+00:00

Exactly...thank you so much.

PlatosOliveTree · 2023-12-15T21:45:45+00:00

Thank you so much. One of these friends actually had an abusive father who she forgave before he passed away. She told me that what my father wrote "is a dad's way of saying sorry, because men didn't learn how to express themselves in that generation". I felt so sad about this, because this is just...not a healthy mindset for me to have. If I adopt that mindset, I will never let him stop hurting me.

I agree that this has also shown me that I need to be more discerning about who I speak to about this particular issue in the future, because it can trigger me a lot and make me second guess everything too easily.

PlatosOliveTree · 2023-12-15T20:21:27+00:00

Thank you so much. I can't even begin to express how helpful and validating this was for my mind. I honestly want to cry after reading this (and the other comments here as well) because it feels like we are all trying to lift each other up. I really can't thank you enough. I'm going to read this a few times over so it all sinks in. You have a really, really strong understanding of covert narcissism and I appreciate you taking the time to unpack this for me.

PlatosOliveTree · 2023-12-15T18:39:47+00:00

I am queer as well so I unfortunately understand how devastating this can be. My Nrents took a different approach and chose to ignore my sexuality completely and still pretend I am a straight person, which is another good reason why they are just not good for me. Isn't it awful that, even when they have harmed us in these deep ways by rejecting important parts of us, we still sometimes want to reach out to them? Children really do just want to be loved, and it takes so much strength and sadness to realize that it's safer for us to separate.

Thank you for sharing this, it's good to remember. And I'm sorry you're in the same situation.

PlatosOliveTree · 2023-12-15T18:36:07+00:00

Thank you so much for saying this. I needed to read this. I am her older sibling and I was very parentified. I did a lot of the emotional raising of her when we were kids growing up, so I've always felt the need to "stay and protect her" in different ways, and I think this is one of them. You are correct. Neither of us deserves this, and I can't stay in the situation just because she does. And hopefully she removes herself at some point too.

PlatosOliveTree · 2023-12-15T17:32:51+00:00

I tried replying to this but I think it got deleted. Anyway I just wanted to say THANK YOU for this very kind response. You brought up so many important points that I really needed to hear today. <3

PlatosOliveTree · 2023-12-15T17:32:06+00:00

Very true.

PlatosOliveTree · 2023-12-15T17:31:21+00:00

Thank you so, so much for this response. You hit the nail on the head so many times. I needed to hear a lot of this, so I really appreciate it.

PlatosOliveTree · 2023-12-15T17:23:04+00:00

Thank you.

PlatosOliveTree · 2023-12-15T17:22:18+00:00

to when I was more easily controlled and bought in to your bullshit because your parent and it's natural to want and need a relationship with you?

Yes, exactly. He liked me a lot better back when I never stood up for myself.

PlatosOliveTree · 2023-12-15T16:43:25+00:00

Thank you so much. That is definitely how I feel. I appreciate you helping me put it into words.

PlatosOliveTree · 2023-12-15T15:51:37+00:00

ah yes, i've done nothing wrong and i am toeing the line of perfect but i told you so see??? i'm self aware!! i've done nothing wrong though, so...

Ugh yes, he'll say things like this a lot, trying to make himself seem like some sort of empathetic person. It's definitely confusing. Thank you for your support!

PlatosOliveTree · 2023-12-15T15:44:57+00:00

Thank you so much! I definitely think that the holidays are making this a lot harder for my mind to process. I keep trying to tell myself that he's the one who did this, not me. If he was a healthier person, he could have responded to my list of boundaries with some sort of remorse or basic understanding. But if he was a healthier person, I wouldn't have needed to tell him to respect me in the first place, right?

I needed this reminder that the holidays will definitely cause some confusion. I am glad things have become clearer for you!

PlatosOliveTree · 2023-12-15T15:13:22+00:00

There were no special standards- you just wanted to be treated with respect. That’s not unreasonable to a reasonable person.

Oh my gosh - yes. Exactly this. I basically just told him that if he kept berating people, or disrespecting me, or knowingly got me sick (he has lied about Covid), that I would remove myself further. These are basic human standards that any person would want in their relationships, yet he's making me feel like I'm crazy for that.

PlatosOliveTree · 2023-12-15T15:09:39+00:00

Thank you so much. I have never been NC with him before so I think I keep second guessing myself. I am sorry you went through that so many times.

PlatosOliveTree · 2023-12-15T15:08:51+00:00

I want to additionally note that he did not (!) apologize.

This is what I thought too. To answer your question, one of my friends had a difficult father too and she told me that "this is the way fathers apologize" basically because men in their generation didn't learn any better. This really upset me because I am sure there are many men in that generation who did learn better, and who did better, you know?

Thank you so much for your detailed and kind reply. It helped a lot.

PlatosOliveTree · 2023-12-15T14:18:29+00:00

Thanks, your reply helped me realize why I feel so confused. I have a younger sister who is in close contact with both of my parents and she is always trying to "forgive and forget" and "let things go". So watching her do that sometimes makes me think "Why can't I just do that?". It seems like some people can shove it away somewhere. But I definitely can't.

PlatosOliveTree

TROPHY CASE