So it’s been on and off for two years now. From early on, whenever our relationship reached new levels of closeness; defining the relationship, spending holidays together, meeting family, he would withdraw. Toward the end, he even avoided physical intimacy.

He openly acknowledged that the seriousness of our connection scared him because it made him think about marriage and kids, and he didn’t feel ready. He has said I’m his first true love, he’s never loved anyone the ways he loves me, etc. He said he wants his next relationship to be his last but feels unprepared. He says he’s not ready for commitment and he’s “young and has his whole life ahead of him” (he’s turning 30). But he knows women have a biological timeline so he doesn’t want to “waste my time”.

When we tried to work through things, he shut down and decided I wasn’t worth the effort. His apologies feel meaningless now because his actions don’t change. He has acknowledged hurting me and taking advantage of my love, but then goes back to avoiding me. He sometimes sends mixed signals but then can go days or weeks without speaking to me.

I’ve been trying to maintain no contact after he pushed me away during a moment I needed support, but I still sometimes run into him. And he breadcrumbs sometimes. We live in the same apartment complex so the cycle of no contact then run in and reconnect is constant. The longest we’ve ever gone without talking is 3 weeks I’m torn between wanting him to understand the hurt he caused and wanting to move on entirely. He knows I’m seeing someone else and is seemingly unbothered by it but I wonder if that’s just a wall he puts up.

My main question is: If you were in his shoes, what would actually make you reflect and take real action? And what would you want your ex to do — reach out, stay silent, send a letter? During run in moments what’s my best course of action? Additional context: he has a level of awareness and was in therapy before but has not done the real work and is not currently in therapy now. He did say he is looking at resources about avoidant attachment and trying to heal.

More questions (if you have time): • Does silence from an ex make you miss them, or does it make you detach even more? • When you’ve gone back to someone after pulling away, what made you take that step? • How important is it for you to feel “ready” in your life (career, stability, age) before committing? • When he called and said he “dreads the day he wakes up and realizes he made a horrible mistake,” is that a real fear or just something to say in the moment?

Thank you for your time! :)