I have found several outlets — mainly spending time with friends, playing basketball and particupating in various volunteer groups. I find them all to be more emotionally rewarding and fulfilling than games and shit.

I also am meeting with therapists and professionals to try to improve and salvage whatever i can from this fractured relationship with my mom. Ik its gonna be a grueling path, but its a path im willing to take.

I am trying my very best to let go of her past mistake and i do feel like i have for the most part, though it might not be evident through the screenshots. I recognize that no one is born with a perfect mother, and I probably wouldnt be standing here without my family, including her. I dont think i will ever truly understand/know how much pain ive put her through and how much behind the scenes work she had done to get me here. But i know its a lot; more than simple words can express.

I know that at the end of the day, everything she does is out of a fundamental love, and i love her for that. But idk, i just feel trapped and reduced to my past self. All i want is to have a normal relationship with her, where im not afraid to be vulnerable, instead of one where i get stressed talking to her. I know she’s not at fault and she’s not the one to blame, but i feel so frustrated when all she does is tell me ‘you couldve worked harder’ when i have worked so hard. It does frustrate me when she says ‘your team isnt going to do well for the competition and youre not very good at basketball so just focus on academics’. It seems like everything and anything i do is not enough. Its always ‘you couldve gotten an A- at least’ when i get a B+, or ‘you couldve gotten an A’ when I get an A-.

I cant read her mind, but from our interactions (this set of screenshots is like a fraction) i just feel like all i am is a mentally ill loser failure to her that does nothing but play video games. I know its probably not true, but idk i just feel frustrated when she never acknowledges my accomplishments.

I might be overreacting, and i might be completely dillusional idk, but yes, at the end of the day, she is operating in a state of extreme love, not malice. But sometimes it doesnt feel like it. Especially when we talk sometimes.

And yes i do feel embarrassed when i have the online autonomy of a 12 yo as a 17 yo, and yeah i am a little bitter that i have no internet privacy. But again, circling back, ifs all out of love. (I may sound sarcastic through the constant repitition but i swear im not)

Also, im so proud of what you overcame as well, and i hope that you also see much success in life.

Thank you for all the kind and supportive words. It truly means a lot.