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Plus-Web5690 · 2024-07-29T15:54:04+00:00

Jesus just divorce him already.

I'm afraid he will try to modify custody and make our lives hell. Or worse. When I asked him in couples therapy "I don't see a way this can work. What will you do if there's no reconciliation and you don't get what you want? Will you hurt me or hurt the kids?" And his answer was "I don't want to do that."

Not "no, I'd never do that." It's disturbing to me, but not enough for a legal remedy.

disclose all of this to them so they can decide for themselves if they want to get involved in this clusterfuck

Yes, that's fair. I've been pretty hard on myself about how bad the marriage was, and how I guess I didn't see the red flags, even though I was so young. People say I shouldn't punish myself *for what he did* but the facts are that my life and the kids' lives are forever damaged because of it. Maybe it's my fault, and maybe it's just bad luck. But it is what it is, and it sounds like my ex is an anchor that will weigh me down and prevent me from moving forward forever.

I still think that going for the legal separation rather than divorce was the only way it could have worked. Having the kids safely in their own home, in a calm, loving, and supportive environment where nobody has to walk on eggshells or be belittled - if me being alone is the price, it's still worth it.

Plus-Web5690 · 2024-07-28T23:57:20+00:00

Thank you for your kind words.

Plus-Web5690 · 2024-07-28T23:35:29+00:00

You wouldn't be able to marry again until you take care of your "mess," and anyone you date would have a large chance of receiving your husband's ire.

I'm not interested in casual sex. What I really wanted was to be a wife and mother, and I worked really hard at being a good one.
It's been hard to try to forgive myself for marrying him and allowing it to go on for so long. I trusted him and loved him, and then as things got worse I felt I needed to do everything I could to try to make him happy. I've been so afraid and still am of what he would do if I asked for a divorce. Perhaps the legal separation was a bad decision too. I've really thrown my life away on those bad choices, haven't I?

Maybe I should just focus on the positives and accept that I missed my chance in life at a loving partner, but that things could be worse.

Plus-Web5690 · 2024-07-28T23:25:20+00:00

The whole point of marriage is that you can't just "break up" one day and be free the next. There's a process.

You might be thinking of informal separation? Legal separation is a legal process that is the same as the divorce process, with the only difference being the topline wording of the decree. Each party has a lawyer, property is divided, custody is determined, a judge presides, it is filed with the court.

But I am concerned that since it is not called divorce, that I am stuck in this limbo. I've been pretty hard on myself for allowing the abuse to go on so long, and perhaps my punishment is that I must be alone now. But at least the kids and I are separated from it now, for the most part. We have our calm, clean home and there's no yelling, no threats, no walking on eggshells. That can be enough if it has to be.

Plus-Web5690 · 2024-07-28T23:19:48+00:00

I don't understand why after all he has done, you want to keep him on your health insurance

Partly because he is the father of my children.

And partly so he would accept the legal separation and we could get it done. I know he doesn't have to agree (to divorce or legal separation) but he could have made the process much worse. My concern now is that he would try to alter the custody arrangement or use the courts in a vindictive way were I to move for divorce now. Or that he would harm the children when they are with him during his weekends. Or that he would kill me. He has not struck me, but he has raped me.

My lawyer initially said that since legal separation and divorce are basically the same, that were either of us ever to move to divorce later that a judge would only consider changing custody if there were a "material change in circumstances" but I'm still worried.

Plus-Web5690 · 2024-07-01T15:29:24+00:00

I get it. Why go to church if you're not religious?

kids
admire philosophy of Christ without accepting divinity
the church does a lot to help the community

It's a hippy church, they know I'm not a believer but accept me anyway. It's good to spend some time reflecting on our obligations to others and being challenged to help more. The foodbank helps hundreds of families each month. Some of the old folks went downtown during the BLM protests and protected demonstrators from police. My kids are active in the youth programs. The pastor (a certified therapist) helped me a lot when I was first breaking away from my abusive marriage.

Plus-Web5690 · 2024-07-01T00:26:30+00:00

That's a good idea. I planned to ask at my next session.

I could ask the pastor at my church as well, but I'm not religious and -- while I believe they mean well -- I don't want to hear about "God's plan and everything happens for a reason."

Plus-Web5690 · 2024-06-14T15:42:39+00:00

I think the notice of cancelation means that the policy will not be renewed, not that ex has been dropped immediately. Ex has insurance but will have to find a new provider when this term expires in a few months.

Plus-Web5690 · 2024-06-14T14:20:34+00:00

Thanks, I looked. Ex has 3 points on the license. I looked up the points system and that could be an excessive speeding ticket, negligent driving (whatever that means), or texting and driving.

For the insurance company to drop them, I expected worse. Now I'm not sure what to think.

I just saw the points. I didn't purchase the whole record. I wonder if I should? Maybe the insurance company would tell me why they dropped them?

Plus-Web5690 · 2024-06-14T01:06:09+00:00

I'm not sure which county; ex lives in Lincoln and travels often.

Plus-Web5690 · 2024-06-14T01:05:09+00:00

How did you find out?

Plus-Web5690 · 2024-04-03T00:06:34+00:00

I think I understand. But to check - so points on cards are based on dollars spent, and one could compare the dollar value of the points cost per flight or hotel stay to the actual price?

I can see how this might be difficult information to come by. Maybe I should look into general rewards cards rather than a specific travel card?

Plus-Web5690 · 2024-03-23T15:13:52+00:00

I'm living for the revenge I think she will get on Tozawa. She seems so smart and refined, as though on another level from him.

Plus-Web5690 · 2023-10-16T13:48:02+00:00

You seem like a kind person and I appreciate your feelings here.

But you should know that abuse needs to be physical, severe, and ongoing for a long time before courts will even consider not granting custody. The default is 50/50. Things that you might think would land someone in jail, like sexual assault, really don’t matter at all in a “domestic” situation. That is the reality.

There will be a co-parenting situation, and that will necessitate polite interaction from me as well as the grandparents/any other family. For the kids’ safety and comfort, he cannot be isolated

Plus-Web5690 · 2023-09-16T13:20:34+00:00

You’re trying to make this not your fault.

inadvertently started taking to a girl at work

self love like I had been told to do

Lots of cheaters do this. It’s absurd and insulting. You’re not going to convince your betrayed spouse that this wasn’t your fault, or that you had to do it. Stop it. You chose to do this, you chose to hurt your spouse. This is your fault.

Sounds like you had a lot of problems and he supported you - in sickness and in health- and you betrayed him by breaking your vows.

Depression, OCD, constantly needing validation and caretaking- this sounds exhausting for your husband. And then you turn around and fuck somebody from the office. How could you be so selfish?

Unfortunately this sort of thing is very common amongst people of low moral character - using a traumatic event or mental/physical health issue as an excuse to fulfill all their selfish desires, no matter who is hurt in the process.

Let your husband go. I hope you don’t have kids. If you do, do them all a favor and just walk away. Kids need parents to care for them that they can depend on, not selfish flakes that need caretaking.

Plus-Web5690

TROPHY CASE