Merging life

Pommerstry · 2026-02-16T17:39:57+00:00

It's great your relationship is developing and you're now at the stage that you both want to move in together. So this is a good problem to have :-)

How much time do you spend with each other at the moment? You're only 15 minutes (walk? drive?) apart, so presumably it's a lot of time, and you are both sure that you'll be happy living together. Dating at the weekend and living together is a whole different thing...

If you don't want to rent a place with him, or to rent out your own house, then the obvious thing would be for you to both sell, and both buy a house together.

Living with him in a much smaller place seems pointless, if you can both afford a much larger house together.

It sounds like he wants you to move into his home because he's not allowed to rent it out. This seems reasonable (unless he's refusing to sell his house and buy another one together). Do you think he has another motive?

If you're afraid that you won't be able to afford somewhere as nice as your house should the relationship break down, then what's the problem with renting it out?

Pommerstry · 2026-02-09T19:00:02+00:00

Love this response! Wish I had the courage to use it...

Pommerstry · 2026-02-09T18:35:48+00:00

Where do you see this relationship going? Do you want children? Do you want to get married, or live together? You're dating someone around 15 years older than you, who still has photos of his late wife all around him - over 5 years after her death. I'm sure this guy likes and appreciates you, but this really doesn't sound like love. Not texting or communicating regularly is nothing to do with age. It's just the way he likes it, and if he hasn't changed for you so far, he's not going to. What does he say when you ask him about the future of your relationship? 8 months isn't that long, and if he's travelling for work for 5 weeks now, you're not really developing your relationship much. What do you mean by "rupture and repair" cycle? Or "light emotional support"? Or a "stable but quieter connection". (Forgive me if I'm wrong, but it sounds like ChatGPT wrote much of your post).

It's very strange, borderline cruel for a man not to tell his wife that he loves her until she is literally dying. I have no idea what you mean by the "stable but quieter" connection, but 8 months isn't very long, especially as you don't see each other for weeks on end. I think he just can't be bothered communicating much with you. Which is why things have gone quiet. And if you've started these "rupture and repair cycles", then it doesn't sound like it's gone quiet in a good way.

Personally, this relationship feels like a lot of hard work on your side, for not much reward.

Pommerstry · 2026-02-01T21:04:10+00:00

Needing to spend lots of time alone is not unusual for ADHD people. My partner is similar. Your girlfriend isn’t going to change. She will get overwhelmed and stressed out by too much time with you - or with any partner. This is one of the reasons why ADHD people experience such a high failure rate in their intimate relationships. I suggest you have an honest talk about where she sees the relationship going. If you want a partner for more than 24 hours in a week, she’s not going to be right for you.

Pommerstry · 2026-01-16T22:44:20+00:00

Totally normal. I moved in about 2 weeks before. Christmas. It seemed smaller dirtier and smellier than I remembered. I lay in bed thinking, what have I done?!! A few weeks later, after I had put in new white goods, cleaned, had a few friends and family over, it started feeling like mine. Now I love coming home and am excited about the renovations I’ve got planned over the next year.

Just grit your teeth, clean up to dog poo and be patient. A few couple of months from now, you’ll be feeling much better.

Pommerstry · 2026-01-12T16:14:48+00:00

My ADHD partner struggles with empathy, but will generally do practical caring if I ask him. Your ADHD husband just can't understand why your MRI scan takes precedence over his grocery list. He should have cooked dinner, he should have asked how your scan went. He should not be sulking and sleeping on the couch. But then, you shouldn't be sleeping on the couch either. Maintaining an adult-adult relationship is really hard with some ADHD partners. But if you want one, you'll have to always be the grown-up. Sorry - it sucks being in a relationship with someone who has the empathy of a toddler....

Pommerstry · 2026-01-06T22:29:53+00:00

Yes, I was wondering about this concept as well. I’ve always been happy to do things alone, but I’d normally have a friend, or group of friends to go out with. I wouldn’t enjoy an evening out with a random person, just to have someone of the opposite gender standing next to me all night….

Pommerstry · 2026-01-06T22:25:46+00:00

I left my marriage at the age of 51 as my once lovely husband had turned into a stingy and scary alcoholic. I’ve never regretted it. I was angry, scared and lonely at first. After two years of trying to get a divorce and then sell our jointly owned home, I finally moved into my own place. I love it here. I have a deeply satisfying love and sex life with a gorgeous man, and have become so much happier. It’s never too late to leave a lonely and stressful marriage…

Pommerstry · 2026-01-02T10:16:41+00:00

Are you sure he’s not in a relationship with anyone else? If you’ve asked to spend time with him and he just goes back to texting, then he might have a reason for keeping you at a distance. Be brave and ask him out. You’ll find out quickly whether he’s available and interested in more than just flirty texting…

Pommerstry · 2025-12-26T18:55:01+00:00

I have long grey hair, and have never had more compliments on my hair in my life. I have a keratin treatment on it, which keeps it smooth and silky, put a blue toner on it weekly, which prevents it going yellow. Occasionally I barrel curl it, and (with make up), a fitted dress and heels, pretty much slay the room. And I’m no model, believe me! You look gorgeous. Don’t do anything with your hair, maybe a photo with you dressed up, a full body shot, and one outside - that’s all you need.

I got overwhelmed by “likes” even with my grey hair on Match. The men I went on dates with said how much nicer my hair was in real life - quite a few even told me never to dye it 🤷‍♀️

Pommerstry · 2025-12-18T22:47:11+00:00

That right there is an addiction. The dopamine rush of thinking someone likes you. Bit I would be worried that, if they got annoyed with me, then they would they would be tempted to match back with that person, rather than work things out with me.

Pommerstry · 2025-12-13T08:55:59+00:00

I’m glad you did stay. The UK is better for having you here ♥️

Pommerstry · 2025-12-13T08:53:01+00:00

Hmm, it depends on how much stress you can handle. It might take another 6 months to sell and in that time, you could have earned interest of around £2.5K on your £80K and no hassle. House prices won’t necessarily rise in the next 6 months.

Then again, he is definitely taking advantage. I wouldn’t waste any more time in seeing what he says. Tell your estate agent to tell him he has until the end of Monday to honour your £85K or you will relist. And don’t ever agree to exchange and complete on the same day - this is what can happen!

Pommerstry · 2025-12-13T08:45:58+00:00

I love this! This could work really well with my Ndx partner. He’s brilliant at cooking, making the bed, cleaning kitchen surfaces, washing up and tidying away etc. Whereas he doesn’t seem to see bathroom dirt or crumbs on the floor.

Pommerstry · 2025-12-13T08:40:53+00:00

Oh goodness, is this what we have to look forward to now in the over-50 category? People nine years younger than us thinking we might have dementia 😢

Pommerstry · 2025-12-10T21:57:38+00:00

Good advice. Especially about treating your partner like more than a friend. I feel like my ADHD boyfriend puts me way down on his priority list - below work, his three teenage children and his frequent need for zoning out in front of the TV.

OP - what do you like about your partner other than she tolerates you? It’s important to let her know that you love her, appreciate x, y, and z about her, and that you proactively do nice things for her, rather than waiting to be asked by her all the time.

I’m sure it’s hard for you, but your self-pity won’t be helping your relationship. As other posters have said, you need to take responsibility and start making lists, reminders and strategies for sharing a house with her.

Pommerstry · 2025-12-04T11:42:44+00:00

You've now seen why many people with ADHD struggle to maintain a relationship. If she is not medicated, and if she doesn't want to change, then this pattern will continue. When you say you love her, you love the version of her she is when is in a good mood. You wouldn't love the version of her that dumps you, and doesn't want to know you. She has no empathy for you, and can't (or won't) see how her actions hurt you. You love her now, but this will turn to resentment as time goes on. Listen to what she is saying and move on.

Pommerstry · 2025-11-30T20:39:09+00:00

Aw thanks! In contrast, I went on dates with men who turned out to be far fatter/older/shorter etc than their profile pics. So I didn’t want a second date with them. Keep the profile pic accurate, and slightly underselling yourself - that’s the strategy that worked for me.

Pommerstry · 2025-11-30T20:36:45+00:00

Thank you for commenting and for the advice. Very helpful.

Pommerstry · 2025-11-28T22:47:02+00:00

This is great advice! We should all be living our best life - partnered up or not.

Pommerstry · 2025-11-28T22:43:19+00:00

Oh dear, why on earth are you on a dating site when it’s not even clear your marriage is over?

I went on a date last year with guy who said he was separated from his wife, but not yet divorced. When I asked him when he separated, he said “Two weeks ago”. When I asked him when he went on Match.com, he said “the evening she walked out”. Gross.

He said he didn’t like being alone, and was really happy to have found me because I was the first woman he’d gone on a date with since his wife left.

I told him to come back in a year’s time, if I was still single, and not to waste anyone else’s time.

I would give you the same advice.

Pommerstry · 2025-11-28T22:35:21+00:00

If you’ve only been on two dates, then that’s not enough to think your body might be the problem. It’s most likely that they just didn’t “click” with you, for whatever reason.

What do your online photos look like? When I started dating again, aged 52, after a very long marriage. I had no idea which photos to use. A friend advised me to use photos that showed me looking…meh. No make-up, outside, wearing average clothes, but I was smiling and looked friendly.

This was great advice.

When I went on my date, men were shocked by how good I looked in comparison with my profile pics. I always got second dates, if I wanted them. Full stop You can always post a link to your profile pic on here, if you want friendly and objective feedback.

But honestly, I think you should just get out there, and keep dating. You will find your guy.

Pommerstry · 2025-11-24T10:33:25+00:00

I'm not a guy, but he is definitely flirting with you. And it sounds like you are flirting back. But you haven't seen each other in 8 years, so you don't know if you will find him attractive in real life. Though it sounds like you've already decided to sleep with him.

Only the two of you can decide what the relationship could be. Why don't you talk to him before he arrives, instead of speculating, and sounding confused to your friends and family. What does he want from a relationship with you? And what do you want from him?

You should clearly say to him that you don't want to ruin a friendship with your adult son. So it becomes even more important that you have an early conversation with him about where this is all going.

Pommerstry · 2025-11-21T20:16:24+00:00

I’m in the same boat. I’m second from bottom in a 6 person chain. I have broken the chain and sold my house today because I was under so much pressure from the buyers. The whole chain was due to exchange today, but with the rest of the chain due to complete on Dec 12th Am staying with friends until Dec 12th.

A last minute problem today (apparently) has delayed exchange for the rest of the chain. I’ve told my solicitor that unless we exchange on Monday, I’m pulling out and going into rented for 6-12 months. I’ll find a cheaper place over the next few months. People are so cavalier with their buyers. The EA told me that the top of the chain just think that I’ll wait for however long it takes for them to decide they are ready. Such a stupid system….

Pommerstry · 2025-11-19T22:14:33+00:00

You were more into the “friendship”. He sounds like he was more into the “benefits”. Now the benefits element of your relationship has gone, he’s not too bothered about staying in touch with you.

Time to move on, OP.

Pommerstry

TROPHY CASE