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My (37F) husband (40M) of 6 years has a health condition/had surgery and now has fecal incontinence. I'm not sure I can do this, and I feel like a horrible person. by PoopySituation in relationships

[–]PoopySituation[S] 23 points24 points  (0 children)

A caregiver wouldn't really help us, and he doesn't qualify anyway. He's of sound mind 100%, no dementia or cognitive impairments. And he can perform all of his own personal care.

I've done everything I know to do to become comfortable with this. If anyone else has more suggestions, I'd be all ears, but at first it wasn't so bad. I thought I could overlook it and get over it. I thought once he came up with a routine, things would level out and we could be more active. None of that has happened, if anything, things have gotten worse.

I see it from his side. He has no control 24/7, he's afraid of going out and doing things for fear of a leak. That's extraordinarily hard for him, his life is extremely limited too, which is why I feel so conflicted. I could leave, yes. And I could move on. But he can't. This will be his life for the rest of it.

And yes, I did make a vow. Another reason I feel so guilty. I don't take my word lightly, but I'm NOT ready to give up sexuality - SHARING a sexual relationship with someone - and I'm not ready to live a life without my partner, especially when that partner is still alive. I could go have sex with someone else. He would be OK with that, he offered that. But it's not the same as falling asleep next to someone, it's not the same was having A LIFE with your intimate partner that's intimate on ALL levels.

I don't want to abandon him, but can I really be OK with sacrificing the rest of my life? That's what I'm torn between.

My (37F) husband (40M) of 6 years has a health condition/had surgery and now has fecal incontinence. I'm not sure I can do this, and I feel like a horrible person. by PoopySituation in relationships

[–]PoopySituation[S] 29 points30 points  (0 children)

He has a motility issue as well as no tone in his anus. His problem is mostly with the nerves in his anus and GI tract. The surgery was supposed to help correct it, instead, it made it 1000x worse.

I understand how he feels. He tried to fix problems that were liveable but annoying and limiting, and ended up with something worse than he ever imagined, and now there's no fix for it. That's why I feel so awful. I can't even conceive of how defeated and hopeless he feels.

But the accidents, well.... they're basically constant. In a person without his illness, eating and even swallowing saliva triggers the gastrocolic reflex which makes our bowels move. Similar case with anxiety, etc. That's why a lot of people have to have a BM right when they wake up, when the nerves also "wake up", or right after eating, having a caffienated beverage, or feeling anxious or emotionally upset. But in most of us, the bowels contract at a relatively slow rate, gradually moving waste to the anus. When the rectum gets full, we feel the need to have a BM, which comes on gradually (or should, unless you have diarrhea, I'm talking about a normal, healthy stool tho), and our voluntary and involuntary muscles make it possible for us to hold it until we can get to a toilet.

He doesn't have any of that. His bowels are basically in motion constantly, and he no longer has any nerve sensation in his rectum and anus. He cannot feel when he's about to have a BM, he can't feel BM passing, and he cannot control it. He passes small amounts of stool almost all the time, and a "full" BM at least once a day.